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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 22nd day of Hunting, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 107 > Articles > Hey, Security!

Hey, Security!

by c0v2jn

A SAFE PLACE - Why do you think you hardly hear about theft in various instalments in Neopia (we will exclude Neopia Central)? Security! This is also why the evil Rod of Ultranova-snatchin' Pant Devil and the 'That's-not-my-shadow, AHHH!!!' Shadow Usul are reduced to be common pickpockets. Well, actually, Terror Mountain is an exception for the pant devil. His skin is rather sensitive to the cold so he hires his cousin, the Ice Devil to pickpocket for him... but, anyway, that's besides the point. Even the tent flaps in the Lost Desert have extremely intelligent and sophisticated security systems, even though it may just be some nails and a hammer.

LOST DESERT

Don't underestimate this desert. "Oh, sure, it's a desert and they have extremely secure zipping tent flaps," you say. Unfortunately if you bet your Mutated Cheese that it was true, then, unfortunately for me I would have a rather fowl stink problem at my NeoHome. Let's start with the wrongly accused tents. Their first line of defence is interlocking magnetic zip strips that only can be unlocked with the proper magnetic key. This may not sound very... well, powerful, but it works! Don't forget this is the Lost Desert and magic is everywhere. Their last line of defence is magic. With a little help from Coltzan and some insurance, every tent in the Lost Desert could shoot flaming fireballs at bad intruders.

But what about Sahkmet Palace? They don't really feel the need to use much magic so they rely on buff bodyguards, guards, heavy scimitars and a little bit of help from bricks. The lost desert doesn't need very tough security, since the scalding heat puts off a few naughty Neopians.

TERROR MOUNTAIN (ICE CAVES, HAPPY VALLEY)

It is very easy to put on a jacket and frolic to Happy Valley without any frostbite, but it DOES make it slightly harder to be a little thief. There are many houses and installations that don't look alike at all. In Happy Valley there are four kinds. The classic igloo (okay, not exactly 'classic' because of the wooden door.), the gingerbread house (or something that looks like gingerbread), the snowglobe castle, and finally, the gnome hat houses. The igloo has a dome and has only one entrance, so it is rather hard to be unnoticed. If they use a weapon (the carrot of doom) you can't scream (no one can hear you) so you'd have to knock the whole thing down and hope a block of ice knocks the thief unconscious. It isn't exactly the best security system ever -- but it works!

As for the gingerbread house, to put it bluntly, it isn't very secure. However, the thief would probably want to steal the house rather than anything in it, so your POSSESSIONS are safe. Everything in the house is safe. Therefore, the security system (the edible house) is perfect (not really, but close enough).

And then the gnome hat houses, or 'cottages'. They use a basic wooden latch that locks from the inside, but there are no sign of locks outside so it is basically unsafe to leave it unarmed. But the shopkeepers down in the valley live in their shops, so it doesn't really matter.

As for the Ice Caves, there is an igloo, a negg-shaped Neggery and a kiosk - oh, and the Snowager's cave. The igloo is like the igloo in the valley, but the Neggery is unique. It functions just like any other house with a lock. It's basically safe; with the help of the Negg Faerie who lives inside and her many battle neggs. As for the kiosk, it has state of the art reinforced plastic windows that can sustain a blast from the Snowager. The wood is also reinforced so it is basically impenetrable, unless, of course, you manage to bribe the Wocky (AHAHAHA, like you can bribe her.) As for the cave, well, anybody can enter so in that aspect it isn't safe, but with an enormous snow snake ready to blast you with ice shards... well, people would stay clear away.

As for the mountain, the Snow Faerie has thousands of spells at hand to cast at evil creatures so they don't even dare go up there. Security is basically relaxed.

MYSTERY ISLAND

Every single installation is different on this island. But there isn't much to say about their security. Their thief alert works like this:

1) The island guards pick the thief off the harbor and send him to play chess with Pango Pango.

2) If they slip pass, the Island Mystic would have something to shout about.

3) If the Island Mystic is asleep, the 4 guardians of the Training School come into action.

4) There is no number 4. The guardians will get you in approximately 13.98 seconds.

It's pretty straightforward. But any way the thief tries to steal will send him straight to a day of chess with Pango Pango. Talk about scary.

KRAWK ISLAND

A word to all evil creatures - don't steal at Krawk Island. Their security system works a bit like Mystery Island, except... they... they... hurl you... down... the... Wayag Gurgl'r! AHHHHHHHH!!! Whatever that is.

1) The pirates in their boats will hunt you down and shoot quite a lot of cannonballs.

2) You get sent to The Academy.

3) THEY SEND YOU DOWN THE-! Wopag Jigflur? Or was it the Comeg Tooglir?

As you can see, it works very well. Chasing down evil -- or anybody -- is a great pastime of the pirates at sea!

VIRTUPETS SPACE STATION

We were thrown out before we could talk with any official.

TYRANNIA (PLATEAU)

Tyrannia is a prehistoric area, so they have no real need for locks for that matter. Why? Simple. Clubs and spears work much better. There isn't much else to say.

HAUNTED WOODS (DESERTED FAIRGROUND)

Evil feels right at home in the haunted woods. However, the Haunted Woods & Fairground has a lack of security locks and alarms. Why? Probably because everything is haunted and they WANT you to enter. A bit like the Haunted House. You enter. You scream. You try to run out. The door's shut. You jump out a broken window. The same thing would go for everything else.

However, the Brain Tree's defence is intelligence. Why, he's so intelligent that even I have no idea what his defence is... because... it's so intelligent!

As for Edna, she will probably fling a spell to turn you into a frog or a pink spotted mushroom. It's a great defence, though.

There isn't much to steal from anything else except Ssssssssssssidney. However, if anything in the Fairground is stolen, no one has any idea why, but the gates lock shut and won't open until it is given back. Haunting, but effective.

FAERIELAND (FAERIE CITY)

Magic is the security here. And it WORKS! The doors are enchanted and faeries are everywhere, ready to evaporate evil into a sweet strawberry odor (where'd I get that from?! I don't like strawberries. -_-). Unless they got some inside help from Jhudora they'd probably wouldn't make it as far as cloud nine. Maybe Jhudora doesn't like to help silly little thieves that are "no match for her immense supernatural powers", but no one knows.

The hidden tower is the safest place in all of Neopia. It is invisible and only people that the Faerie queen sees that are worthy are let in. If they manage to disguise themselves, there is no shortage of powerful ancient artifacts the Faerie queen could use -- from blowing them away to flinging slices of attack ham.

ROO ISLAND

Well, they are not letting us mention them in this article since they still have construction to do.

MERIDELL (MERI ACRES FARM, ROYAL PALACE)

Everything here is basically latch-and-lock and that's already covered but the castle is a different story. The moat keeps intruders from using anything other than the main entrance to enter. If they decide to swim they will eventually (in 0.5 seconds) know that the hungry fish petpets love nibbling, gnawing, and crunching. The wooden path can be lowered (which it is most of the time) to let friends in. The guards are rather sleepy most of the time so the Monoceraptor could stomp pass them and they wouldn't even notice. However, there is one powerful thing that King Skarl can do. He can unleash the power of the Castle Defender using just a seal like he did in the war.

So, Meridell is very unbalanced in their defence so it isn't really possible to give a very accurate view of everything at once.

----------

So there you have it, an amazing (in a twisted way) review of the security of Neopia. But "HEY!" you say, "What about NEOHOMES and Clanking Cans... and, and, and Satellite Security?!" Well, that wasn't in my contract and I'm not about to work for free so here are the ratings and rankings of the security in every land.

0% = Might as well use dung. 100%=WHOAA!!!!!!!
10 to 1 (1 being best)

9) Tyrannia = 11%
8) Meridell = 30% (ranged average)
7) Krawk Island = 38%
6) Terror Mountain = 45% (ranged average)
5) Haunted Woods = 58%
4) Mystery Island = 67%
3) Lost Desert = 76%
2) Virtupets Space Station = 83%
1) Faerieland = 97%

So there you have it! A review of Neopian security. Some fared well, some fared... well... less than well. Congratulations Faerieland!


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