|There are lots of horrible natural disasters that could happen in Neopia.
We talked about them in my last alarming article. But bad weather isn't the only
thing out there that could devastate the Neopian countryside. There are other
nasty things that could happen that the Neopian insurance company wouldn't pay
you for if they happened. Because they aren't technically "An Act of Adam". They're
Okay, maybe I should have talked about this last week as a "natural" disaster.
But for some reason, this just seems like more of an invasion than a freaky
weather pattern. What I'm talking about are Petpetpets. It's a cute name, but
I think they're trying to confuse us with positive propaganda here. If you get
one as a random event, it will say something like: Something has happened!
Ohhh how cute. It seems Turmaculunch has got a Mootix in its mouth. Have you
been feeding it lately?
They may SEEM like a great thing to have, but what's really the deal with
Mootix? Are they disease-carrying vermin? Isn't "tix" another way to spell "ticks"?
Isn't Mootix just another name for "Kau Pox"? If you aren't worried yet, check
out the different Petpetpets and their descriptions:
Mootix: Ewwww! Your petpet has fleas!
Cooty: Its not such a cutie when your petpet starts getting a rash
all over its body!
Moach: Ewww, is that a moach walking up your petpets leg?
Vernax: If your petpet has itchy feet, there is most probably a Vernax
Breebly: You need to get your petpet a flea collar!
Veespa: Ewwwwwww! Why is your petpet covered with red lumps?
Zytch: Zytchs love to suck your petpets blood!
Ummm... maybe it's just me, but I think someone is trying to tell us something...
and the something doesn't look good. At best this Petpetpet phenomenon is an
insect infestation. At worst it sounds like a some sort of pixelated plague.
So what happens if all of the Mootix in Neopia actually DO make all the Petpets
sick and the disease spreads to the Neopets and then... well... I hope you have
all your shots. Especially since according to the Round 57 Lenny Conundrum the
only known cure is for Mootix is "Mootox" and it hasn't even been invented yet.
It's true that when the Tax Beast showed up in Neopia, everyone pretty much
got their panicking out of their system over this kind of unnatural curse. So
obviously the gods and goddesses of Neolympus felt it was time to give the couch
potatoes of Neopia another thorough baking. Recently this little bit of cheeriness
popped up on the News page:
Worst Random Event Ever...
|Something has happened!
||King Skarl appears and orders his guards to collect 580
Neopoints from you. Who knew there was such a thing as Marrow Tax?
But what would happen if taxes were no longer just a random event? What if
there were regular taxes on just about anything? Take NeoHomes, for example.
Let's say that you bought land for your NeoHome and the first thing you get
smacked with is a property tax. A snarling Skeith tax assessor in a black coat
and a black hat knocks on your Neodoor to tell you that you have to pay 500
Neopoints a month. That's because you live in Faerieland and weren't smart enough
to buy land in Neopia Central where the property tax is 100 Neopoints a month.
If you don't have the Neopoints in your bank account to pay, you get slammed
with back taxes the next month. If you haven't paid your taxes in a year, the
snarling Skeith tax assessor in a black coat and a black hat seizes your property
and tosses your pets out on the street. There's nothing like a healthy jolt
of reality to get our little hearts a-pumping, huh?
Of course, that isn't the only kind of tax that could pop up. What if there
was a personal tax on your items or a sales tax on everything you bought from
a shop? What if there was an income tax on your bank account? Terrified yet?
Ready to join me in rushing out of your NeoHome and running down the street
screaming in panic? Just be sure you've paid your taxes though, so you have
a NeoHome to rush screaming out of.
I know there have been wars in Neopia, so this isn't exactly a frightening
idea. In fact, a lot of people look forward to war because they like winning
war trophies. But what if there is a whole different kind of war than we are
used to? What if there was another war but you weren't given a choice about
fighting? Let's say that the evil Emperor Asparagus invades Jelly World and
destroys it because he thinks vegetables are a healthier snack. He is so convinced
that he is right that he drafts your Neopet into his asparagus army. If you
refuse to fight, he takes your pet prisoner and tosses him into the Parsnip
Prison. As long as your pet is there, you can't play games or do quests. The
only way to break him out is to eat through the broccoli bars of your celery
cell. Of course, this gives your pet Bloaty Belly, and you actually have to
buy Flat-U-Less Tablets to cure him. That's because the Healing Faerie is all
for healthy eating too and won't help you out of this mess. But you figure buying
the cure is worth it, so you fork over the 50,000 Neopoints people are now charging
for it and sigh with relief. The next day, Emperor Asparagus drafts your pet
AGAIN. So you are forced to actually fight on his side in the war or get locked
up again. War is heck, huh?
School hasn't even opened yet and I'm already nervous about it closing. If
Neoschools are anything like real schools, then all it takes is a water pipe
to break and school is shut down for a week. We've lived without Neoschool until
now, so why would this cause alarm? Ummm... I don't know. But I'm sure something
bad will happen like your Neopets will start forgetting books they've read or
something. If you're an idiot like me that's spent hundreds of thousands of
Neopoints reading books to an ungrateful Lupe, this is a scary thought.
Of course, school doesn't have to close down with stuff like this happening...
|Something has happened!
||Uh oh! Some mean-looking bullies approach you, hold you upside-down,
and steal the 894 NP that falls out of your pockets!
If this isn't a supersonic transport to the real world, nothing is.
Then again, Neoschools aren't the only schools that could close down. The
Mystery Island Training School and Cap'n Threelegs' Swashbuckling Academy on
Krawk Island could suddenly put up signs that say, "closed for the holidays".
If a couple of weeks of vacation doesn't sound too bad, what if the training
academies were closed during a war or when a new Defenders of Neopia mission
was released? Last minute trainers like me would definitely click into panic
The Shadow Usul and the Pant Devil attack unsuspecting people at random and
steal an item. But what if a whole new bad guy showed up? What if the Aisha
thieves broke into the bank and stole a certain percent of everyone's money?
What if you weren't allowed to use your safety deposit box or the bank for days
while the Chia police were investigating the robbery? Insert high-pitched screams
of terror here.
Stock Market Crash
Okay, so maybe you could survive these little setbacks. Maybe these unnatural
disasters aren't too bad. Well, muahahaha! I've saved the best, or should I
say the worst, for last. Since nothing in Neopia is safe, it's possible that
the Neopian Stock Market could crash. If you think that just because you don't
own any stock that this catastrophe won't affect you, think again. If the stock
market goes belly up, the whole Neopian economy collapses. Prices for things
could go completely haywire. Codestones could sell for 15 Neopoints and Tchea
Fruit could sell for 15,000 Neopoints. Anything could happen. You could be a
multimillionaire one day and all of your Neopoints could be virtually (literally)
worthless the next day. Maybe now is a good time to invest in Poisonous Jelly
since there are no tall buildings in Neopia to jump off of.
So there you have it. A whole bunch of disasters that could befall Neopia
at any moment. If you haven't started yet, now is an excellent time to gallop
down Main Street in Neopia, babbling in horror-stricken panic. I'll already
be there waiting for you with a Half Eaten Poisonous Jelly in my hand. Unless
the Pant Devil steals it, of course.