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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 19th day of Hiding, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 107 > Articles > How To Be a Master of Disaster: Doing What Comes Unnaturally

How To Be a Master of Disaster: Doing What Comes Unnaturally

by stoneman3x

There are lots of horrible natural disasters that could happen in Neopia. We talked about them in my last alarming article. But bad weather isn't the only thing out there that could devastate the Neopian countryside. There are other nasty things that could happen that the Neopian insurance company wouldn't pay you for if they happened. Because they aren't technically "An Act of Adam". They're even worse.

Pestilence

Okay, maybe I should have talked about this last week as a "natural" disaster. But for some reason, this just seems like more of an invasion than a freaky weather pattern. What I'm talking about are Petpetpets. It's a cute name, but I think they're trying to confuse us with positive propaganda here. If you get one as a random event, it will say something like: Something has happened! Ohhh how cute. It seems Turmaculunch has got a Mootix in its mouth. Have you been feeding it lately?

They may SEEM like a great thing to have, but what's really the deal with Mootix? Are they disease-carrying vermin? Isn't "tix" another way to spell "ticks"? Isn't Mootix just another name for "Kau Pox"? If you aren't worried yet, check out the different Petpetpets and their descriptions:

Mootix: Ewwww! Your petpet has fleas!
Cooty: Its not such a cutie when your petpet starts getting a rash all over its body!
Moach: Ewww, is that a moach walking up your petpets leg?
Vernax: If your petpet has itchy feet, there is most probably a Vernax to blame.
Breebly: You need to get your petpet a flea collar!
Veespa: Ewwwwwww! Why is your petpet covered with red lumps?
Zytch: Zytchs love to suck your petpets blood!

Ummm... maybe it's just me, but I think someone is trying to tell us something... and the something doesn't look good. At best this Petpetpet phenomenon is an insect infestation. At worst it sounds like a some sort of pixelated plague. So what happens if all of the Mootix in Neopia actually DO make all the Petpets sick and the disease spreads to the Neopets and then... well... I hope you have all your shots. Especially since according to the Round 57 Lenny Conundrum the only known cure is for Mootix is "Mootox" and it hasn't even been invented yet.

Taxes

It's true that when the Tax Beast showed up in Neopia, everyone pretty much got their panicking out of their system over this kind of unnatural curse. So obviously the gods and goddesses of Neolympus felt it was time to give the couch potatoes of Neopia another thorough baking. Recently this little bit of cheeriness popped up on the News page:

Worst Random Event Ever...

Something has happened!
King Skarl appears and orders his guards to collect 580 Neopoints from you. Who knew there was such a thing as Marrow Tax?

But what would happen if taxes were no longer just a random event? What if there were regular taxes on just about anything? Take NeoHomes, for example. Let's say that you bought land for your NeoHome and the first thing you get smacked with is a property tax. A snarling Skeith tax assessor in a black coat and a black hat knocks on your Neodoor to tell you that you have to pay 500 Neopoints a month. That's because you live in Faerieland and weren't smart enough to buy land in Neopia Central where the property tax is 100 Neopoints a month. If you don't have the Neopoints in your bank account to pay, you get slammed with back taxes the next month. If you haven't paid your taxes in a year, the snarling Skeith tax assessor in a black coat and a black hat seizes your property and tosses your pets out on the street. There's nothing like a healthy jolt of reality to get our little hearts a-pumping, huh?

Of course, that isn't the only kind of tax that could pop up. What if there was a personal tax on your items or a sales tax on everything you bought from a shop? What if there was an income tax on your bank account? Terrified yet? Ready to join me in rushing out of your NeoHome and running down the street screaming in panic? Just be sure you've paid your taxes though, so you have a NeoHome to rush screaming out of.

War

I know there have been wars in Neopia, so this isn't exactly a frightening idea. In fact, a lot of people look forward to war because they like winning war trophies. But what if there is a whole different kind of war than we are used to? What if there was another war but you weren't given a choice about fighting? Let's say that the evil Emperor Asparagus invades Jelly World and destroys it because he thinks vegetables are a healthier snack. He is so convinced that he is right that he drafts your Neopet into his asparagus army. If you refuse to fight, he takes your pet prisoner and tosses him into the Parsnip Prison. As long as your pet is there, you can't play games or do quests. The only way to break him out is to eat through the broccoli bars of your celery cell. Of course, this gives your pet Bloaty Belly, and you actually have to buy Flat-U-Less Tablets to cure him. That's because the Healing Faerie is all for healthy eating too and won't help you out of this mess. But you figure buying the cure is worth it, so you fork over the 50,000 Neopoints people are now charging for it and sigh with relief. The next day, Emperor Asparagus drafts your pet AGAIN. So you are forced to actually fight on his side in the war or get locked up again. War is heck, huh?

School Closings

School hasn't even opened yet and I'm already nervous about it closing. If Neoschools are anything like real schools, then all it takes is a water pipe to break and school is shut down for a week. We've lived without Neoschool until now, so why would this cause alarm? Ummm... I don't know. But I'm sure something bad will happen like your Neopets will start forgetting books they've read or something. If you're an idiot like me that's spent hundreds of thousands of Neopoints reading books to an ungrateful Lupe, this is a scary thought.

Of course, school doesn't have to close down with stuff like this happening...

Something has happened!
Uh oh! Some mean-looking bullies approach you, hold you upside-down, and steal the 894 NP that falls out of your pockets!

If this isn't a supersonic transport to the real world, nothing is.

Then again, Neoschools aren't the only schools that could close down. The Mystery Island Training School and Cap'n Threelegs' Swashbuckling Academy on Krawk Island could suddenly put up signs that say, "closed for the holidays". If a couple of weeks of vacation doesn't sound too bad, what if the training academies were closed during a war or when a new Defenders of Neopia mission was released? Last minute trainers like me would definitely click into panic mode.

Bank Robbery

The Shadow Usul and the Pant Devil attack unsuspecting people at random and steal an item. But what if a whole new bad guy showed up? What if the Aisha thieves broke into the bank and stole a certain percent of everyone's money? What if you weren't allowed to use your safety deposit box or the bank for days while the Chia police were investigating the robbery? Insert high-pitched screams of terror here.

Stock Market Crash

Okay, so maybe you could survive these little setbacks. Maybe these unnatural disasters aren't too bad. Well, muahahaha! I've saved the best, or should I say the worst, for last. Since nothing in Neopia is safe, it's possible that the Neopian Stock Market could crash. If you think that just because you don't own any stock that this catastrophe won't affect you, think again. If the stock market goes belly up, the whole Neopian economy collapses. Prices for things could go completely haywire. Codestones could sell for 15 Neopoints and Tchea Fruit could sell for 15,000 Neopoints. Anything could happen. You could be a multimillionaire one day and all of your Neopoints could be virtually (literally) worthless the next day. Maybe now is a good time to invest in Poisonous Jelly since there are no tall buildings in Neopia to jump off of.

So there you have it. A whole bunch of disasters that could befall Neopia at any moment. If you haven't started yet, now is an excellent time to gallop down Main Street in Neopia, babbling in horror-stricken panic. I'll already be there waiting for you with a Half Eaten Poisonous Jelly in my hand. Unless the Pant Devil steals it, of course.

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