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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 25th day of Hunting, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 107 > Articles > Not Quite Judge Hog, Not Quite FuzzleGuy

Not Quite Judge Hog, Not Quite FuzzleGuy

by noremac9

DEFENDERS OF NEOPIA GIANT HQ THING - I've often thought I should sign up for the Defenders of Neopia. You know, just as soon as I get into impossibly good shape, pick up a few superpowers, and suddenly don spandex. Then I'll just head over and sign up as "The Masked 9" or something. I'm thinking sometime around next week, but I'm going to be kind of busy, so we'll see.

But as much as I would LIKE to think this is all about me, it isn't, thankfully. No, this about something else entirely. This is about a bunch of guys who aren't quite Judge Hog, and are just a tad better than The Amazingly Slow Sumo-Pet. At least some of them are -- ChewyChomby isn't exactly the most amazing hero of our time. He's just sort of... chewy.

So I figured, who could be better at making a list of podunk losers than a podunk losers? While my mind evilly answered that with, "Two podunk losers!", it was just trying to spite me. One can work just fine -- and here I am.

Now, there are a lot of people that could go on this list. After all, what makes someone a wannabe, but not a loser? Well, we have a single criteria for this: attempted-success-to-horrible-failure rate. This means, we measure every success they've had against a horrible failure they've had, and voila! We just randomly decide who's on here without any accounting for the ratio.

And this isn't just prospecting superheroes. Oh no, the villains who wish they'd chase them are listed, too. After all, dark lords with evil clones need love too! So let us begin the medley of mediocrity.

Evil Things, Freaky Monsters, Things That Go Bump in the Night, etc.

Lord Influence

Species: Pteri
Motives: No one ever listening to him.
Goal: To make everyone think he's more powerful than he really is.

This guy is VERY influential. Sort of. See, there are all these "Captain I will control your tiny mind - MWAHAHA!" guys, so he figured that that's been done. Overdone. Like, Burnt Sphinx Links overdone. So he decided that he could accomplish the same thing, in a NEW and totally exciting way! Or, at least new. What he does is, instead of demanding things and forcing you to do his bidding, he suggests it. Like, "Hey, wouldn't it be dandy if you, for no apparent reason, gave me all your money... very nicely... if you want to... sometime around now... y'know..." and pretty much does that till you get so tired of his whining, you're forced to attack him. That doesn't help him much. Which is, actually, why he's on this sorry little list. Of course, the reason he's not off the list entirely is because he once suggested someone giving him their seat on the bench, and through total coincidence, with odds of 3,118,241.4 to 6 against, they got up and left. They were also deaf, I mi ght add.

Boss Boss

Species: Kau
Motives: Taking too many mind-altering substances can get to your head, man... totally!
Goal: Prove that disco LIVES! And steal stuff, too.

Some people think it's easy to escape with really fast getaway vehicles. Some, with really big explosions that distract everyone while you run. Others still believe that a free coupon for everyone at the scene to the best buffet in town will keep them all silent. And then there are those who want to be invisible. Undetectable. But invisibility is -- if you'll excuse the terribly bad pun -- elusive. So why not just use the next best thing? Like, say, scrambling light and particle alignment into a unfocused aura of inexplicable distortion? That's exactly what Boss Boss is trying to do, the bossiest boss this side of Neopia Central. While he's not quite smart enough to really understand WHY what he's doing is working, he knows it works. And what he's doing just sprang out of really, really bad taste. But so did some of the greatest inventions of all time -- like the El Picklesaur Plushie. Not sure why it's one of the greatest inventions of all time. But that's not the point. The point is, this guy just liked being rad, hip, and groovy. In the process, when wearing multiple prismatic disco items at once, mixed with gold chains, against his insanely colored disco hide, the pattern of time and space basically started to break up around him. While this allows him to slip in and out of consciousness/visibility, he's also barely able to tell what's going on around him.

In other words, this guy might be able to slip right into the bank unseen, but he'll most likely bump his head on the vault, then get a horn stuck in the wall, slip on a wet floor, yank the horn out of the wall, have the wall collapse on him, activate the security system, and, entirely by accident, rupture the tomb of an ancient evil long forgotten and hidden by ancient sages. In other words, his power is perfect-- he just can't do anything with it.

Some will ask why he doesn't just get an invisible paintbrush. This is a very good question. He just really like colorful stuff, and doesn't really like thinking.

He's groovy on the dance floor, too.


Species: Human!
Motives: His mommy didn't love him.
Goal: Clog everything up and spread virulent and pointless chaos!

Scamman, a dark muse of the dark one himself, some say. Whatever he is, he is one of the most evil beings in the known universe. That doesn't, however, mean his plans get him anywhere.

For instance, while staying up late one night, stroking his Mutant Kadoatie, he devised a very simple, yet utterly evil plan to clog up the meddling message boards forever. It worked like so: create a very annoying, completely fake, and totally bizarre message, and then tell everyone to go post it everywhere. A message like,


That's pretty much how they go. But not only do they clog the message boards like a Lenny Paper Bag in a Dung Toilet, but they get you FROZEN, too. And that's no joke. Ice, ice, baby. This article might be a big joke, but they WILL undoubtedly get you put on ice. The question is, why does this advance his nefarious scheme? He must have factored this in, so why does he want everyone frozen? I personally believe that he plans to freeze 60% of Neopia's population, then, using a superheated conductor coil, melt them all simultaneously. This will cause world-wide flooding. So he either really likes Kayaking, or he's a raving lunatic. Of course, this is a theory derived from the mind of a guy who invested in collectable cards around a year and a half ago...

The Phantom

Species: No idea.
Motives: We don't even know what he looks like...
Goal: I told you, we can hardly prove he exists-- we don't have his life story!

The Phantom is so mysterious, nothing is known about him. We believe he may be a very dangerous criminal. However, he's so elusive, the only piece of evidence attainable that shows he EXISTS is a used Neopkin. This might provide valuable genetic information about this Phantom criminal, but everyone's been too afraid to look inside it thus far. We'll keep you posted. In the meantime, be on the lookout for a pet that might do something illegal. No other information exists on this odd... whatever he may be.

Goodie Two-shoes, Heroes of Old, Scary People in Spandex, etc.

Captain That-Really-Doesn't-Look-Good-On-You

Species: Hard to tell. Possibly Koi, Elephante, Grundo, or Cybunny.
Motives: Hero conventions with free food.
Goal: Eliminate evil, piece by piece. Yum.

This Captain's name is no stretch. A blouse-- no, doesn't look good on him. A Tuxedo? Dung no. Swimming trunks... well, no comment. Nothing? Not really. Scarf, trousers, glasses, clown shoes, suit and tie, lingerie, really long fuzzy socks, or an apron? No. Just no. To everything. Of course, a cloaking device would look awesome on him, but that's aside the point. The point is he has a gift. He can scare the living daylights out of any criminal being within visible distance. Trouble is, he scares the living daylights out of EVERYTHING within visible distance. This is his greatest weakness.

Since he's basically the equivalent of an atomic bomb -- in more ways than one -- only the most out of control situations call for his... expertise (see below). The trouble is, since he weighs roughly 500TWID (Five Hundred Times What I Do... read: a lot.) the only way to get him around is to use machinery that, uh, "doesn't exist" in Neopia. So that means it takes a REALLY long time. Which means if it's a really important, they need him there fast, and by the time he's there, everything's resolved. There's a reason this guy's on this list.

Here's the part below. I mean, it's not below -- it's actually above the part below. But it's below the part above it. So it's below. And this is to the right of what's too the left. But that's not important. I'm supposed to be describing the monstrous... thing.

To sum him up, his eyes are sunken in like missed cannon balls on a small sand dune located on the east... no, west -- shore of Krawk Island. His skin looks like it's been gnawed on by ten thousand slightly dirty Spardels, one of which was named "Henry". His bloated form is only rivaled by the food shop itself. Like, the building. His shattered teeth remind you of the ice caves' wind-blown crystal shards, save the shininess. He is, in short, something of a natural disaster, incarnated in the form of a pet. Or something that resembles one, in a way, because it's hard to tell exactly what he is.

Do not dwell on the distaste any longer. He is a good guy, though. He tries. I think. His speech comes out sort of like dropping two hundred Brain Ice Cream cones on thirty six Attack Peas, so it's hard to tell what he's saying.

Dive-Bomb Draik

Species: Draik, I think.
Motives: Being dropped from a really high building when he was an... egg. He landed on hay, though. Slightly scrambled, I guess.
Goal: Catch anything and everything, for the good of pet kind!

Dive-bomb Draik -- a superhero with a REAL power. This guy has a power, and there are no catches, no hidden fees, and no limits to it. His power is flight. This is a real power. And he does it all on his own accord. No Anti-Grav wing holders, no ancient incantations. He can just plain fly. Okay, so many of you are saying, "So what, he's a DRAIK -- Draik's fly." Well, yes, but that doesn't mean it's not a super power. I mean, let's look at a list real quick: Laser eyes, super strength, sticky fingers, night vision, flight, magical growing hair -- whoa, let's just stop it. Did I see FLIGHT? Oh yes, so I did. Which means he's a superhero. End of story.

He mainly swoops around the city catching falling objects -- homerun balls, bird droppings, and "blue ice", but it's a living. Well, it's really not, but it makes him feel better. He does occasionally catch "falling" pets -- usually pets dive-bombing for fun, or free-falling for kicks. This doesn't make him very popular.

In fact, the only reason he's on here is because his intentions are good, and he has a real super power. Not unique, but it's real. Probably the only superhero that doesn't work for the Defenders of Neopia who has a real power.

Iron Pet

Species: Ixi
Motives: Being beaten badly, and desiring vengeance for all petkind.
Goal: Stop the baddest of them all, whoever it may be at the time.

Iron Pet is someone who takes their name VERY seriously. He could've just got some buff muscles, nice hoof-shoes, and really strong peppermint cologne and called it a day. But he wanted to be the Iron Pet. The pet that cannot be harmed, no matter what, and he who slays that which lurks in dark alleyways. So he had an irreversible process completed on him. He was cast in iron, so that anything that attacked him would get a sad surprise. There was just one little, tiny thing he forgot about. Once cast in iron, you can't move. So he's still standing in his doorjamb in Neopia Central, proudly displaying his new (at least it was then.), indestructible armor. This doesn't really achieve his goal of crime-fighting. But he IS indestructible, and that WAS his original goal, so technically, he achieved just what he wanted. This means he successfully became invulnerable. That's pretty impressive.

Right now, however, he has only caught one crook. The poor Pteri -- whoever he was -- sat there whispering in the doorjamb to him for days. No one knows what he said to him, because Iron Pet cannot talk, but the Pteri was wanted by authorities for petty crime, and hauled off for to jail for several days. No one is sure what he was trying to accomplish, but he kept demanding to be referred to as "Lord" something.

Linguisto Species: Eyrie
Motives: Just for the heck of it. None that he has revealed.
Goal: Prove he's a jazzy, snazzy, Eyrie, dearie.

Linguisto is a self-proclaimed -- and completely correct in his proclamation -- linguistic genius. Whether it be the ol' pirate-y speak they go a-speakin' in the isle areas, or the laaaaid-back way of Mystery Island, maaaan -- this guy can adapt. Perfectly simulating any linguistic style in all of Neopia, he can blend in with ANY crowd. He can sound like you, your best friend, or your best friend's Floud. Or even your Floud! His mind is just perfectly suited for taking on any language style. Oh, and he also speaks sixteen different languages. If this guy put on a funny nose, he could be the Chia Clown. If he slapped on a horrendous wig, King Skarl. If he grew funny whiskers on his head -- Sloth. Almost. There's a little drawback, and that's that he's a Darigan Eyrie. This makes him unmistakable in any of his guises. He will not, however, change, because the sum total of becoming himself again would be around one million NPs, and he's stingy and poor.

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