Not Quite Judge Hog, Not Quite FuzzleGuy
DEFENDERS OF NEOPIA GIANT HQ THING - I've often thought I should sign up for the
Defenders of Neopia. You know, just as soon as I get into impossibly good shape,
pick up a few superpowers, and suddenly don spandex. Then I'll just head over
and sign up as "The Masked 9" or something. I'm thinking sometime around next
week, but I'm going to be kind of busy, so we'll see.
But as much as I would LIKE to think this is all about me, it isn't, thankfully.
No, this about something else entirely. This is about a bunch of guys who aren't
quite Judge Hog, and are just a tad better than The Amazingly Slow Sumo-Pet.
At least some of them are -- ChewyChomby isn't exactly the most amazing hero
of our time. He's just sort of... chewy.
So I figured, who could be better at making a list of podunk losers than a
podunk losers? While my mind evilly answered that with, "Two podunk losers!",
it was just trying to spite me. One can work just fine -- and here I am.
Now, there are a lot of people that could go on this list. After all, what
makes someone a wannabe, but not a loser? Well, we have a single criteria for
this: attempted-success-to-horrible-failure rate. This means, we measure every
success they've had against a horrible failure they've had, and voila! We just
randomly decide who's on here without any accounting for the ratio.
And this isn't just prospecting superheroes. Oh no, the villains who
wish they'd chase them are listed, too. After all, dark lords with evil clones
need love too! So let us begin the medley of mediocrity.
Evil Things, Freaky Monsters, Things That Go Bump in the Night, etc.
Motives: No one ever listening to him.
Goal: To make everyone think he's more powerful than he really is.
This guy is VERY influential. Sort of. See, there are all these "Captain I
will control your tiny mind - MWAHAHA!" guys, so he figured that that's been
done. Overdone. Like, Burnt Sphinx Links overdone. So he decided that he could
accomplish the same thing, in a NEW and totally exciting way! Or, at least new.
What he does is, instead of demanding things and forcing you to do his bidding,
he suggests it. Like, "Hey, wouldn't it be dandy if you, for no apparent
reason, gave me all your money... very nicely... if you want to... sometime
around now... y'know..." and pretty much does that till you get so tired of
his whining, you're forced to attack him. That doesn't help him much. Which
is, actually, why he's on this sorry little list. Of course, the reason he's
not off the list entirely is because he once suggested someone giving him their
seat on the bench, and through total coincidence, with odds of 3,118,241.4 to
6 against, they got up and left. They were also deaf, I mi ght add.
Motives: Taking too many mind-altering substances can get to your head, man...
Goal: Prove that disco LIVES! And steal stuff, too.
Some people think it's easy to escape with really fast getaway vehicles. Some,
with really big explosions that distract everyone while you run. Others still
believe that a free coupon for everyone at the scene to the best buffet in town
will keep them all silent. And then there are those who want to be invisible.
Undetectable. But invisibility is -- if you'll excuse the terribly bad pun --
elusive. So why not just use the next best thing? Like, say, scrambling light
and particle alignment into a unfocused aura of inexplicable distortion? That's
exactly what Boss Boss is trying to do, the bossiest boss this side of Neopia
Central. While he's not quite smart enough to really understand WHY what he's
doing is working, he knows it works. And what he's doing just sprang out of
really, really bad taste. But so did some of the greatest inventions of all
time -- like the El Picklesaur Plushie. Not sure why it's one of the greatest
inventions of all time. But that's not the point. The point is, this guy just
liked being rad, hip, and groovy. In the process, when wearing multiple prismatic
disco items at once, mixed with gold chains, against his insanely colored disco
hide, the pattern of time and space basically started to break up around him.
While this allows him to slip in and out of consciousness/visibility, he's also
barely able to tell what's going on around him.
In other words, this guy might be able to slip right into the bank unseen,
but he'll most likely bump his head on the vault, then get a horn stuck in the
wall, slip on a wet floor, yank the horn out of the wall, have the wall collapse
on him, activate the security system, and, entirely by accident, rupture the
tomb of an ancient evil long forgotten and hidden by ancient sages. In other
words, his power is perfect-- he just can't do anything with it.
Some will ask why he doesn't just get an invisible paintbrush. This is a very
good question. He just really like colorful stuff, and doesn't really like thinking.
He's groovy on the dance floor, too.
Motives: His mommy didn't love him.
Goal: Clog everything up and spread virulent and pointless chaos!
Scamman, a dark muse of the dark
one himself, some say. Whatever he is, he is one of the most evil beings
in the known universe. That doesn't, however, mean his plans get him anywhere.
For instance, while staying up late one night, stroking his Mutant Kadoatie,
he devised a very simple, yet utterly evil plan to clog up the meddling message
boards forever. It worked like so: create a very annoying, completely fake,
and totally bizarre message, and then tell everyone to go post it everywhere.
A message like,
"COPY AND PASTE THIS ON 100,000 DIFFERENT BOARDS, AND YOU WILL FIND A GHOST
PAINT BRUSH ON THE FLOOR, AND A GIRL IN SOME OBSCURE COUNTRY WILL BE SAVED,
AND YOUR PET WILL BE HEALED OF ALL ILLNESS!"
That's pretty much how they go. But not only do they clog the message boards
like a Lenny Paper Bag in a Dung Toilet, but they get you FROZEN, too. And that's
no joke. Ice, ice, baby. This article might be a big joke, but they WILL undoubtedly
get you put on ice. The question is, why does this advance his nefarious scheme?
He must have factored this in, so why does he want everyone frozen? I personally
believe that he plans to freeze 60% of Neopia's population, then, using a superheated
conductor coil, melt them all simultaneously. This will cause world-wide flooding.
So he either really likes Kayaking, or he's a raving lunatic. Of course, this
is a theory derived from the mind of a guy who invested in collectable cards
around a year and a half ago...
Species: No idea.
Motives: We don't even know what he looks like...
Goal: I told you, we can hardly prove he exists-- we don't have his life story!
The Phantom is so mysterious, nothing is known about him. We believe he may
be a very dangerous criminal. However, he's so elusive, the only piece of evidence
attainable that shows he EXISTS is a used Neopkin. This might provide valuable
genetic information about this Phantom criminal, but everyone's been too afraid
to look inside it thus far. We'll keep you posted. In the meantime, be on the
lookout for a pet that might do something illegal. No other information exists
on this odd... whatever he may be.
Goodie Two-shoes, Heroes of Old, Scary People in Spandex, etc.
Species: Hard to tell. Possibly Koi, Elephante, Grundo, or Cybunny.
Motives: Hero conventions with free food.
Goal: Eliminate evil, piece by piece. Yum.
This Captain's name is no stretch. A blouse-- no, doesn't look good on him.
A Tuxedo? Dung no. Swimming trunks... well, no comment. Nothing? Not really.
Scarf, trousers, glasses, clown shoes, suit and tie, lingerie, really long fuzzy
socks, or an apron? No. Just no. To everything. Of course, a cloaking device
would look awesome on him, but that's aside the point. The point is he has a
gift. He can scare the living daylights out of any criminal being within visible
distance. Trouble is, he scares the living daylights out of EVERYTHING within
visible distance. This is his greatest weakness.
Since he's basically the equivalent of an atomic bomb -- in more ways than
one -- only the most out of control situations call for his... expertise (see
below). The trouble is, since he weighs roughly 500TWID (Five Hundred Times
What I Do... read: a lot.) the only way to get him around is to use machinery
that, uh, "doesn't exist" in Neopia. So that means it takes a REALLY long time.
Which means if it's a really important, they need him there fast, and by the
time he's there, everything's resolved. There's a reason this guy's on this
Here's the part below. I mean, it's not below -- it's actually above the part
below. But it's below the part above it. So it's below. And this is to the right
of what's too the left. But that's not important. I'm supposed to be describing
the monstrous... thing.
To sum him up, his eyes are sunken in like missed cannon balls on a small
sand dune located on the east... no, west -- shore of Krawk Island. His skin
looks like it's been gnawed on by ten thousand slightly dirty Spardels, one
of which was named "Henry". His bloated form is only rivaled by the food shop
itself. Like, the building. His shattered teeth remind you of the ice caves'
wind-blown crystal shards, save the shininess. He is, in short, something of
a natural disaster, incarnated in the form of a pet. Or something that resembles
one, in a way, because it's hard to tell exactly what he is.
Do not dwell on the distaste any longer. He is a good guy, though. He tries.
I think. His speech comes out sort of like dropping two hundred Brain Ice Cream
cones on thirty six Attack Peas, so it's hard to tell what he's saying.
Species: Draik, I think.
Motives: Being dropped from a really high building when he was an... egg. He
landed on hay, though. Slightly scrambled, I guess.
Goal: Catch anything and everything, for the good of pet kind!
Dive-bomb Draik -- a superhero with a REAL power. This guy has a power, and
there are no catches, no hidden fees, and no limits to it. His power is flight.
This is a real power. And he does it all on his own accord. No Anti-Grav wing
holders, no ancient incantations. He can just plain fly. Okay, so many of you
are saying, "So what, he's a DRAIK -- Draik's fly." Well, yes, but that doesn't
mean it's not a super power. I mean, let's look at a list real quick: Laser
eyes, super strength, sticky fingers, night vision, flight, magical growing
hair -- whoa, let's just stop it. Did I see FLIGHT? Oh yes, so I did. Which
means he's a superhero. End of story.
He mainly swoops around the city catching falling objects -- homerun balls,
bird droppings, and "blue ice", but it's a living. Well, it's really not, but
it makes him feel better. He does occasionally catch "falling" pets -- usually
pets dive-bombing for fun, or free-falling for kicks. This doesn't make him
In fact, the only reason he's on here is because his intentions are good,
and he has a real super power. Not unique, but it's real. Probably the only
superhero that doesn't work for the Defenders of Neopia who has a real power.
Motives: Being beaten badly, and desiring vengeance for all petkind.
Goal: Stop the baddest of them all, whoever it may be at the time.
Iron Pet is someone who takes their name VERY seriously. He could've just
got some buff muscles, nice hoof-shoes, and really strong peppermint cologne
and called it a day. But he wanted to be the Iron Pet. The pet that cannot
be harmed, no matter what, and he who slays that which lurks in dark alleyways.
So he had an irreversible process completed on him. He was cast in iron, so
that anything that attacked him would get a sad surprise. There was just one
little, tiny thing he forgot about. Once cast in iron, you can't move.
So he's still standing in his doorjamb in Neopia Central, proudly displaying
his new (at least it was then.), indestructible armor. This doesn't really achieve
his goal of crime-fighting. But he IS indestructible, and that WAS his original
goal, so technically, he achieved just what he wanted. This means he successfully
became invulnerable. That's pretty impressive.
Right now, however, he has only caught one crook. The poor Pteri -- whoever
he was -- sat there whispering in the doorjamb to him for days. No one knows
what he said to him, because Iron Pet cannot talk, but the Pteri was wanted
by authorities for petty crime, and hauled off for to jail for several days.
No one is sure what he was trying to accomplish, but he kept demanding to be
referred to as "Lord" something.
Linguisto Species: Eyrie
Motives: Just for the heck of it. None that he has revealed.
Goal: Prove he's a jazzy, snazzy, Eyrie, dearie.
Linguisto is a self-proclaimed -- and completely correct in his proclamation
-- linguistic genius. Whether it be the ol' pirate-y speak they go a-speakin'
in the isle areas, or the laaaaid-back way of Mystery Island, maaaan -- this
guy can adapt. Perfectly simulating any linguistic style in all of Neopia, he
can blend in with ANY crowd. He can sound like you, your best friend, or your
best friend's Floud. Or even your Floud! His mind is just perfectly suited for
taking on any language style. Oh, and he also speaks sixteen different languages.
If this guy put on a funny nose, he could be the Chia Clown. If he slapped on
a horrendous wig, King Skarl. If he grew funny whiskers on his head -- Sloth.
Almost. There's a little drawback, and that's that he's a Darigan Eyrie. This
makes him unmistakable in any of his guises. He will not, however, change, because
the sum total of becoming himself again would be around one million NPs, and
he's stingy and poor.