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LENNY LIBRARY - Despite the fact that I have already written "A
Neopinglish Dictionary" and "More
For Your Neopinglish Dictionary", I have come back to haunt you with another
instalment of the Neopinglish Dictionary with even more Neopinglish definitions,
whether you like it or not.
DEFINITIONS
2 Gallon Hatz : Exactly like 3 Gallon Hatz, only smaller.
Back To School Shop : A place where you can spend thousands of Neopoints buying
up school supplies for your Neopet. It is not technically a "Back To School
Shop" because you can't go back to school if you have never been to school in
the first place. But it is called that because Jacko the Phantom Painter convinced
the Techo shopkeeper that a sign that says "Back to School Shop" would be cheaper
to paint than the one that the Techo originally wanted. The one he originally
wanted was "School Supplies For the Neopian Central Elementary School That Hasn't
a Prayer of Being Built Anytime Soon Because the School Board is Obviously Locked
in a Land Dispute With the Art Centre Shop".
Bathroom Furniture : Magical things that you can put in your NeoHome like
toilets, bath tubs and sinks that seem to work despite the fact that there is
no water company in Neopia.
Beauty Contest : A free weekly notice board that not only allows you to show
off your Neopet but it also gives your 2,000 member guild a chance to show its
appreciation for you. It even has the magical ability to make the Lab Ray change
the species of your pet.
Bendy Desk Light : An item so important to all Neopians everywhere that an
entire article in the Neopedia is devoted to it for the sole purpose of telling
you to wear super hip Jazzmosis glasses if you use it to do your homework.
Brucey B : A famous "Cheat!" player and thief who is not very good protecting
himself from other thieves because someone successfully stole the period after
the "B" in his name.
Cliffhanger : A really fun Neopets games where, if you lose, the Tuskaninny
will laugh at YOU just before HE falls off of the mountain.
Darigan : A country that invaded and destroyed Meridell because they became
horribly mutated when their orb was stolen. But they are happy now because,
thanks to the Darigan Paint Brush, everyone can be horribly mutated too for
less than 200,000 Neopoints.
Defenders of Neopia : Neopet superheroes with cool costumes, advanced technology
and amazing powers who for some odd reason need YOU to whip a total wimp like
the Pant Devil in the Battledome for them.
Draik Egg : A bizarre creature called a Draik hatches from a Draik Egg into
a full-sized adult, so you have to paint him with a Baby Paint Brush if you
want him to experience childhood.
Dubloon : The official currency of Krawk Island, which only accepts Dubloons
in the shops there. So it makes perfect sense that that only place that you
can find any are in the Lost Desert.
Earth Faerie : A totally ditzy green Faerie that wants you to give her an
earth Faerie in exchange for bloating one of your pets even though the Soup
Faerie will bloat all of your pets for free.
Editorial : The most important and informational part of The Neopian Times
newspaper where Neopets players can ask Donna vital questions like, "Where can
I get that mutant Faerie cloud Kacheek plushie with all the stuffing ripped
out of it that's sitting on Adam's desk? It's soooooo cute!"
Faerie Acorns : A powerful Battledome weapon that appeared out of thin air
because there are no trees in Faerieland, oak or otherwise. When the faeries
realized this, they stopped making them.
Faerie Petpets : Petpets that are called "Faerie petpets" even though you
still have to paint them with a Faerie Petpet Paint Brush like any other petpet
in order to make them "Faerie".
Giant Omelette : A large food that appears out of nowhere on the Tyrannian
Plateau each day and bakes in the sun. This is a miraculous event because Tyrannia
is described as being "a prehistoric world far under the surface of Neopia"
so there is no sun.
Golden Dubloon : Exactly like a Silver Dubloon, only tastier.
Grundo : An alien creature brought to Neopia by Dr. Sloth because their antennae
and toejam make yummy snacks. When mutated they look like professional wrestlers...
even the females.
Haunted Woods : An extremely scary place that turns perfectly good witches
into pointy-hat-wearing Zafaras for absolutely no reason at all.
Lenny : The brainiest type of Neopet. It is also very skinny and the least
popular of all Neopets. Obviously the English translation of "Lenny" is "Nerd".
Lenny Conundrum : A trigonometry/quantum physics game that lasts a week because
not only does a complete Lenny think these things up, but they have to find
ten other complete Lennies in all of Neopia to solve them before they can declare
them over.
Maraqua : A Neopian world that used to exist but doesn't anymore because a
giant sea slug swallowed everything in it except a sign that says "Go Away!"
Neolodge : A place where your Neopet can spend a vacation in something called
"The Fleapit Motel" that still manages to have extras like a swimming pool,
a fitness center, maid service, laundry facilities, a jacuzzi/spa, a sauna,
a beauty salon, a video arcade and tennis courts in it.
Neopia : A planet at the center of the universe that not only has just one
side, but is smaller than Hawaii.
Neopian Times : The weekly Neopian newspaper that holds such high standards
that it only publishes articles and stories that are first approved by a Nimmo
in a donkey suit. If you don't believe me, you're reading THIS, aren't you?
Niten Hiroru : Who?
NTV : A giant corporate monopoly that successfully sells stock in the Stock
Market because it is Neopia's only television station. However, expect the value
of this stock to gradually go down some time in the distant future when at least
one person finally realizes that there aren't any TV's in Neopia.
Pirate : A really cool color for a Neopet unless that Neopet is a Kyrii. If
you get a Pirate Kyrii angry, it will pick its nose with its hook.
Poptart : A fruit-filled breakfast pastry that ends virtually every sentence
with a smiley :)
Post Office : A place to buy very expensive stamps which you can't put on
your Neomail, which is a good thing because Neomail is free anyway.
Puntec Fruit : A Gourmet Food Club item that is so ultra rare that you can
expect to pay more than 25 Neopoints for one.
Safety Deposit Box : A private personal vault in the bank where you can keep
all the clothes, books, toys and food you buy from the shops because you can't
put totally weird stuff like that in your NeoHome.
Terror Mountain : The most terrifying, scary and horrible place in all of
Neopia. You can tell this is true simply by the names of the places there: Happy
Valley, Merry Outfits and the Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop.
Turdle : A type of petpet that luckily doesn't follow the rule that if a Pickulsaur
looks like a pickle and a Screwtop looks like a screw then a Turdle should look
like a... ewww...
Turmaculus : A large Meridell creature that will help you get rid of your
125,000 Neopoint Halloween Flizzardo petpet absolutely free of charge.
Utility Fish : These are the Maraqua petpets like the Hammerfish, Plierfish,
Sawfish, Shovelfish, Wrenchfish and Toolboxfish that are now extinct. Maraqua
sank under the sheer weight of these petpets. They went extinct because the
Maraquans were too dumb to realize that metal + water petpets = rust.
Water Faerie : A very nice but odd Faerie who not only heals your pets, but
also has her ear is growing out of the side of her neck.
Webcam : A camera that films the staff members sitting at their desks all
day staring at their computer screens and barely moving for the thrill that
it gives the average Neopets players to be able sit all day staring at their
computer screens and barely moving to watch it. This is a vital part of Neopets
because without it, people would not be able to ask editorial questions like,
"Where can I get that mutant Faerie cloud Kacheek plushie with all the stuffing
ripped out of it that's sitting on Adam's desk? It's soooooo cute!"
Wheel of Excitement : A spinning rainbow that charges you 100 Neopoints for
the privilege of getting a rare disease.
Wheel of Mediocrity : Exactly the same as the Wheel of Excitement except it
only costs you 50 Neopoints for the privilege of getting a rare disease.
Wheel of Misfortune : Exactly the same as the Wheel of Excitement and the
Wheel of Mediocrity except it gives you a plushie that looks like it has a disease.
Word of the Day : The only place in the world that actually expects you to
use the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" in a caption or storytelling contest.
Yellow Knight : A member of King Skarl's army who was captured by Darigan's
forces, held prisoner in the Citadel, escaped and almost single-handedly saved
all of Meridell from destruction by the Orb-crazed Lord Darigan but who doesn't
appear in the Neopedia, so he's obviously not as important as the Bendy Desk
Light.
This concludes this instalment of the Neopinglish Dictionary, my very own
glossary of terms that are unique to the wonderful world of Neopia. I can't
promise you that I won't torture you with even more Neopinglish definitions
in the future. I will try really hard not to, but as long as Neopia keeps cranking
out really silly stuff, I don't know if I can hold myself back.
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