LIMITED TOO - Summer is almost here. That means it's time to head for the mall.
I like the IDEA of being able to buy Neopets stuff but the LOCATION of that stuff
makes me very nervous. Maybe it's just me. But frankly I don't think so. I polled
my friends Goober, Mace and Spaz and they all said the same thing; "I don't think
it's fair that Neopets merchandise is in a girlie store" and "How come girls don't
have cool nicknames?"
I'm not going to whimper like a Neopet just zapped by the Lab Ray and turned
into a Mutant Elephante about WHY the Neopets stuff is in stores aimed for female
shoppers. All I know is that summer is here and while the guys are punching
each other on the arm and hanging out at the arcades, the GIRLS are snatching
up Neopets stuff at Limited Too and getting RARE ITEM CODES!
I like to think I'm a fairly average kind of guy. I can bench press 150 lbs.
and my sister doesn't even know what a bench press is. But I'll be darned if
she is going to get FREE STUFF because I'm too chicken to go into a female-oriented
store. Maybe I've lost you on this point, so I'll explain it to you. Whenever
you buy certain official Neopets merchandise at a participating store, the thing
you buy comes with a rare item code. Something like DONT123EVEN456GUESS789 or
something shorter or longer, I can't remember. Anyway, once you get this rare
item code you take it to the Grundo Warehouse in the Virtupets Space Station
and simply type that code in the box and voila... you will have a free prize.
(Just make sure you include the -- sign).
All you have to do is buy real Neopets stuff and you get free virtual Neopets
items. Sounds easy, right? Well, yes-- FOR A GIRL! The drawback is that the
Neopets merchandise isn't being sold in places like "Macho He-Man Shop" or "Guys-R-Us".
In order to get this stuff so you can get rare item codes so you can get free
stuff, you have to go in one of THOSE places. One of those weird places with
huge keyring type racks hanging from chains and wafting perfumey odors you will
never find in nature. One of those places that... actually have nylons... in
the DISPLAY CASE!
OK, don't panic guys. I can talk you through this. First of all, don't take
the cheater's way out. And I think you know what the cheater's way is. You ask
your sister to buy something for you so you don't have to go within fifty feet
of the place. Trust me, that is not a good idea. I thought I would be slick
and go that route the first time. I handed my sister a twenty dollar bill and
asked her to get ANYTHING Neopet-related that had a rare item code with it.
She returned forty minutes later with an enormous bag and handed me a small
pack of Kougra stickers.
"How much was it?" I innocently asked.
"$19.95," she chirped, "Here's your nickel change."
When I demanded to see my receipt, she began pulling blouses out of the bag
and bellowing in a loud voice, "Yours in here in somewhere! It's not as long
as mine!"
So I took my nickel and vowed never to fall into that trap again.
After two more false starts, I finally hit on a system to get in and out of
Limited Too with a minimum amount of humiliation. So guys, here are my six easy
steps to your very own rare item code...
Step #1. Don't sneak in like you're a member of the Mission Impossible
team. The store security will be all over you like grass stains on a soccer
ball. Be cool. Act like you're looking for someone-- you know, bounce up and
down a few times to see over the racks. Screaming, "Mom? Are you in here?" at
the top of your lungs helps. I mean, if you think you're going to get to the
other side of the store without being noticed-- forget it! Girls know the difference
between guys and girls as well as you do. The last thing you want anybody to
think is that you're in there buying something for YOURSELF.
Step #2. The Neopets stuff is on the other side of the store. I think
they do this on purpose because the people working there KNOW that guys are
free stuff magnets and will be in there looking for the Neopets merchandise
because they NEED to get free stuff-- NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT COSTS. And if that
didn't make sense to you then you're not a guy and don't ask me to explain it,
it's just a guy thing, OK?
Anyway, the best way to get to the far reaches of the universe where they
keep the Neopets stuff is to NOT take the direct route. It looks easy at first
but after a few steps you'll realize that there is no such thing as a straight
shot in a women's clothing store. Everything dead-ends into a clothing rack.
You want to avoid clothing racks at all costs. You don't even want someone to
see you LOOK in the direction of a clothing rack. Walk around the outer edges
of the store instead. It may take longer but there is less of an obstacle course
to go through.
Step #3. When you get to the display rack with all the Neopets merchandise
on it-- DO NOT BROWSE THROUGH IT! You are not shopping, remember? Yell really
loudly, in no particular direction, "Mom, can we go yet?" and then pluck at
the stuff on the Neopets rack like you're bored.
Another option is to stand about ten feet away from the display rack and look
really pitiful. You know, that look you have when your favorite team is down
twenty points and there's six seconds left in the game. With any luck a salesperson-type
girl will walk up to you and ask if she can help you. All you have to do is
shrug and say, "I need to get my sister a birthday present but all she likes
is Neopets stuff." The salesperson-type girl will point to the Neopets stuff
and say, "It's over there" and then you can look at her blankly and go "huh?"
just like when your Dad tells you to take out the garbage. And now you're off
the hook. You've PROVED you're not shopping for yourself.
Step #4. Grab anything. Grab the first thing that says there is a rare
item code inside. Do not even compare items to see which notebook has a cooler
cover. JUST TAKE IT. Trust me, it will only make women REALLY stare at you if
look like you CARE what you're buying. It's not natural for a guy to do that.
Even if you DO care what you're buying it's not cool to LOOK like you care what
you're buying. I can't explain that one either. It's just another one of those
guy things, OK?
And if you think you can just COPY down the rare item code and not actually
buy anything-- you can forget that too, cheater! Neopets is not dumb. They made
sure that all items that have a rare item code are sealed in this atomic plastic
wrap that somehow defies all efforts to undo it until the item actually reaches
your house and you can use a blowtorch. With parental supervision, of course.
Step #5. Plan for a quick getaway. Timing is important. The last thing
you want to do is to get stuck in a long line at the check-out counter with
a fluffy blue Aisha plushie. It's better to hang back and wait until the line
is short or there is no one at all in line at the check-out before grabbing
your Neopets merchandise and heading there.
And here's an important tip: make sure your stuff has a PRICE TAG. The only
thing more humiliating than a loud speaker price-check on a Neopets pendant
necklace is maybe having your swim trunks slide off in a public pool. And in
case they might have forgotten about why you're buying the thing in the first
place, remember to say "Gee, I hope sis likes her birthday present-- I never
spent this much on her before." Of course, don't say that last part if you're
only buying a couple bucks worth of stickers unless you WANT to look like a
cheapskate.
Step #6. Beat a hasty retreat. Do NOT look back. You do NOT want to
see them laughing at you because they didn't believe one minute of your act.
Now that we got you in and out of Limited Too with a minimum amount if discomfort,
you can zip home and punch that rare item code into the Grundo Warehouse box.
And when that virtual Aisha Compact Mirror is all yours-- FOR FREE-- you can
be proud to call yourself a real Neopian guy.
|