NEOPIA CENTRAL - Do you have a really cool name like, ummm... I dunno... let's
pick something out of a hat... "Stoneman3x", but you feel like people don't
take you seriously? Do you fantasise about winning a war single-handedly with
nothing better than a Rainbow Gun and a couple of Wet Snowballs? If this sounds
like you, and it certainly sounds like someone I know, you can now train yourself
to be a knight-in-shining-Hypno-Helmet with these seven easy steps.
1. Wear an eye-catching costume: The first thing you need to get is
a very large white hat. Preferably a cowboy hat. With a lot of rhinestones.
And if you have a guitar that plays "Yellow Rose of Texas" all by itself, that's
a real bonus.
If the rhinestone look is not for you, you could also buy yourself a pair of
bright red pyjamas and paint your initial on the front. If your initial is already
taken, like mine was, for example, you could create a nifty logo for yourself
instead. Just about anything will do as long as it has lightning bolts zigzagging
out of it. Even a Lenny looks cool with lightning bolts shooting out of it.
However, if you feel that bright red pyjamas may not offer enough protection
against a mountain-sized Monocerous, you may want something a little more armoured.
Just remember, villains like to wear a lot of metal, so if you are going to
go that route, make sure that it's not only white armour, but shines so brightly
that all your friends have to wear sunglasses just to hang out with you.
2. The catchy phrase: Keep it short and generic. That way it
can be used in almost any situation. Shouting "Good shall prevail" is much better
than shouting "It's against the law to take over the planet you scum-eating
Slorg". It's also a good idea to have several catchy phrases handy just to make
sure they fit the situation you're in. "Taste my cold steel, dog!" may not go
over very well when you burst into a room to rescue a damsel in distress. Especially
if she's in there alone. And if you have your favourite slogan painted across
your shield, it will make it easier to remember in stressful situations. There's
nothing more embarrassing than having Count Von Roo lunge at you with bared
fangs and you forget what you were supposed to say and scream "Happy birthday!"
instead.
3. Get yourself a magical artifact: It's important to have some sort
of gimmick to get yourself out of the nasty predicaments that the evil-doers
will put you in. Super powers are always the best thing to have, but if you
decided to go Koi fishing the day they passed out x-ray vision and wingless
flying, you will have to get yourself a magical artifact instead. Usually anything
with the word "orb", "staff" or "scarab" attached to it will work just fine,
but make sure you get it blessed by a good faerie first. If you have
your secret weapon blessed by a faerie who has the word "Dark" for a first name,
you probably won't have much luck getting it to work when you're in real trouble.
In fact, be prepared to get sucked into another dimension entirely at a very
inconvenient moment. So make sure the item you choose to help get you out of
a jam won't leave you in a pickle. Why am I suddenly hungry?
4. Safe Haven: You need a place where the bad guys can't annoy
you while you try to figure out where they are hiding. This should be located
in a place where no self-respecting villain would ever step foot, like the North
Pole. Or the Health Food Shop. Places with names like "Terror Mountain" or "Haunted
Woods" are not good choices because most of the good real estate has already
been bought up by mad scientists.
If you need a temporary place to stay, because your NeoHome was blown up for
example, then get a room at a classy place like the Astro Villa. You'll be safe
there because crooks and scoundrels always stay at seedy places like the Cockroach
Towers or the Fleapit Motel. I'm not sure why they prefer places with insects
and single bare bulbs hanging from a wire, but even if they've just robbed the
National Neopian Bank of a million Neopoints they still check in at the worst
hotel available.
5. Goal: It's not acceptable for a good guy to simply attack a bad guy
because he has a history of being despicable. Unfortunately you have to wait
until he make the first move. Since you're not exactly sure what he will do,
you need to have some counter-moves planned in advance. The three types of operations
you need to plan are: "Rescue", "Escape" and "Thwart".
"Rescue" usually involves a princess or the daughter of somebody important.
It's always hard to rescue these ladies because they are usually guarded by
several hundred mutants or one really large Snowager-type thing. But it is definitely
worth it because they are required to be (a) beautiful, (b) unmarried and (c)
really really grateful when you show up.
"Escape" usually involves just you and requires you to unchain yourself while
hanging upside down over a vat of molten goo while a candle burns through the
rope you're dangling from. The good news is that the maniac that put you there
never stays to watch and the guards are always playing cards in another room.
"Thwart" usually involves putting bubblegum in his atomic-bomb-launching-computer
or using your handy dandy Scarab Orb Staff to break the spell he has put on
all his zombies. You'll know when you have been successful because he'll shout
something like "Curses! Foiled again!" at you.
6. Faithful sidekick: It's very important to have a buddy along with
you. He won't do anything useful like save you from a pit of rabid Gelerts,
of course. His main purpose is to listen to you while you explain the plot of
the story you're in. Like, "Dr. Sloth has sent his Grundo Commanders to destroy
Coltzan's Shrine so that decent, law-abiding pets will no longer have a place
to get stat boosts for free so we must find a way to stop those evil creatures."
When choosing a faithful sidekick, try to get someone who is a total idiot and
pathetically weak. That way you will look very intelligent and strong by comparison.
If he gets into weird situations or makes wisecracks, it's a real plus. If he
has a funny name-- he's hired.
7. Victory line: Remember - the bad guy will feel the need to make a
long-winded speech when he feels there is no way that you'll be able to escape
from his clutches. Since it's practically a law that you, the hero, will prevail
and evil will be ultimately conquered, there's no need to make your victory
speech a long one. This is especially true if he has shouted, "Until we meet
again" while launching himself into outer space in a rocket. A simple "Let's
get this *insert stolen object's name here* back to where it belongs" is sufficient.
If you have rescued a fair maiden, you don't even have to bother with the victory
line. You can just take off your large white cowboy hat and use it to hide the
fact you're kissing the girl even though everyone knows that's what you're doing.
Of course that's about all the reward you're going to get for saving the planet.
Being a hero doesn't pay as well as being a villain. But it's not too bad being
good, right?
The fine print: Although we stand for truth and justice, we won't stand for
any costs arising from the loss of magical items or from torn capes that occur
because monsters or villains were confronted using this advice. Goody-Two-Shoes,
Inc. is not liable, but has a Help-Me-I'm-Tied-Up toll-free number you can call
when you subscribe to Neo-Heros-R-Us magazine. It's the least we can do.
NOTE: This article is a sequel to the article "Your
Guide on How to Be Evil" by my arch-nemesis, felabba,
who has given me permission to write this sequel but only because I agreed to
be flogged with strands of Mummy Spaghetti first. | 
