Bein’ Bad Never Looked So Good! by smudginator |  |
DARK PLACE IN NEOPIA - So, you want to be an Evil Overlord. You've got the walk.
You've got the talk. And you've got the gruesome minions. But what's going to
give you the edge over all those bad boy wannabes? I mean, anyone can say a few
bwahaha's and train an army of Faellies to their command. You've got to have the
Look. You need to project the image that says "Hey, over here! I'm gonna brainwash
you into doing my dirty work!" You can't just play the part of Evil Overlord.
You've got to look it! Trust me, those pink Cybunny slippers aren't helping your
cause. If you want to look your evilest, get out those Lord Kass Quills and get
ready to take notes. This is the guide to success for your Evil Overlording career.
Before we start with the actual 'Look, let's take a moment to prepare ourselves
mentally'. It takes a lot of work to maintain your evil appearance, after all.
First off, eliminate the word "cute" from your vocabulary. Variations of this
word may include "adorable," "sweet," and even (shudder) "fluffy." Eeww. Quickly,
replace them with such words as "cruel," "vile," and "wicked." These should
serve you well throughout your reign of evil. And while you're at it, toss the
pink slippers. Pink should never enter your wardrobe.
Now, are you ready to look your 'baddest'? Excellent. To start, there are
four basic aspects of looking the Evil Overlord: the eyes, the clothes, the
expressions, and the hygiene. Don't worry about taking them all in at once though,
because I've divided it into easy sections for your reading pleasure. Simply
read and incorporate each part into your Look, and you will rule Neopia faster
than a Grundo can say "Yes, Master."
Give the Evil Eye
Ever had a close look at the eyes of an Evil Overlord? Probably not, so check
your Sloth poster to see what I mean. To succeed in looking Very Evil, you must
have the eyes. Giant, sparkling blue orbs will get you laughed out of your space
station! There are two basic kinds of evil eyes you can have. They are:
1. Red Eyes
2. Crazy Eyes
The first option is the most commonly used, as they seem to be effective when
intimidating weak, foolish beings to do your bidding. Glowing red eyes are easily
attained with the help of contact lenses. Check to see if you can get the pupil-less
kind (see Lord Kass), as they are especially frightening. Some famous villains
with red eyes include Dr. Frank Sloth, Eliv Thade, Lord Kass, and Hubrid Nox.
Crazy eyes are not as often seen, but are nevertheless very effective. If
you are an insane type of bad guy, this is a good option to consider. Take our
very own Malkus Vile, for instance! One eye is huge and opened, while the other
is narrow and squinted. The effect is harder to achieve than red eyes, but I'll
give you an idea.
Take a large dubloon and keep one eye propped open reeaaally wide with it.
Keep the other eye closed. Over time, they should change size permanently. Well,
sure it hurts and it's hard to see out of them, but hey, it takes pain to be
evil looking.
On a side note, once you have acquired decent eyes for Evil Overlording, good
eyebrows are a nice touch. Hubrid Nox has a lovely pair, very pointy and jagged
-- perhaps model yours after his as you shape them in the mirror.
A Wardrobe fit for Kings! …of Evil
Picking the right clothes is essential to your success when trying to rule
and intimidate. Have you ever seen Dr. Sloth in a pink grass skirt with an "I
HEART ILLUSION" tee shirt on? Erm… I really hope not. But the obvious aside,
there are so many other things wrong with that picture. First, the colors! Let's
explore the colors that should never be found inside your Spyder Wardrobe.
- Any pastels! Eew. They put in mind things like Easter Neggs, and Poogles.
- Pink. What did I tell you about the slippers?
- White. Oohh, my eyes! Save the white for those Light Faeries.
Your best bets will probably be black, red, and surprisingly -- purple. Alone,
they do well… but combined they're even better! Sloth's cloak is an example
of the typical black and red combination; most the fabric is a mysterious pitch
black, while his collar is a red that sets off the red glow of his eyes very
nicely. Don't shy away from purple simply because it is supposedly a "girls"
color. Purple and black is now in, thanks to Darigan, for boys and girls alike.
Next I'd like to talk about the style of your clothing. You'll go nowhere
with outfits that belong on Usukis. Depending on your type of Evil Overlord,
you may want to go with something mysterious and aloof, something shifty and
menacing, or something sharp and devious.
Mysterious and aloof is a very Sloth style, with his long, sweeping cloak
and the high vampire-esque collar. However, the Malevolent Leader of Darkness,
Havaheart, warns to stay away from copying Sloth's exact look. "Don't go cliché.
The Sloth look is out. Just look at the Halloween Moehog -- Lame, right? You're
way noticeable if you pretend to be Sloth, and if you walk by a group of goody-goodies,
you might well get attacked. The black cape is still a time-honored classic,
just be careful."
For more of the shady, plotting type, a long coat would suit you best. It's
very Malkus Vile: Private Eye. The detective hat is a nice touch as well. Try
to angle the hat so that it casts a shadow over your face, and then pull your
coat very tightly around yourself. Very intimidating.
A third style is the devious businessman. Dress smartly in a tuxedo - bowtie,
collar, and jacket included. The trick is fooling Neopians into thinking you're
a nice guy with your nice clothes before you make them your slaves. You know…
Nigel the Chia seems to fit that description very well. Hmmm.
Evaluate your Evil Overlord type, and you can easily put together a wardrobe
of good style and color. Pick wisely, because it's the only outfit you'll be
wearing for the rest of your career. Hava knows, and has another tip for the
Overlord hopefuls. "Of course, you have to be careful going with fads. If you're
going to be famous, you have to stick with the same outfit, in order to be recognizable,
and you won't want to be stuck with something out of date." Be sure the clothes
you pick suit your evil lifestyle. Once you have assembled the perfect outfit,
force your minions to make hundreds of exact copies to hang in your wardrobe.
That way, you'll never be stuck without something to wear.
Let's Talk Lips
So, you've got a great pair of red-eyed contacts and a spectacular black cloak
with purple undertones -- what could possibly be wrong? Well chances are you're
so pleased with your success, there's a big goofy grin on your face. It looks
like something a Faerie Poogle would wear on its ugly mug. That's right, you
can't hide that from me. No worries, it's easy to fix. Instead of Faerie Poogle
grin, think Malevolent Sentient Plushie Poogle grin. Notice the difference of
silly and maniacal, even between two Neopets of the same species! An important
part of pulling your look together is your expression. Here is where you grab
your Meowclops Mirror and practice the following:
- Smirking
- Sneering
- Grimacing
- Scowling
- Frowning
- Grinning, but only evilly.
Under no circumstance should you ever smile or grin with anything other than
ill intent! This is very bad for the reputation. If all else fails, try to maintain
an air of superiority. You are, after all, the Overlord of the people.
Bad Hygiene Stinks!
Many people don't realize this, but Evil Overlords are some of the cleanest
denizens in Neopia. As they say, cleanliness is godliness… and godliness is
being an Evil Overlord.
Climbing your career ladder from simple baddy to mighty ruler requires a suave,
charming facet to your personality, so leave the gunk to the minions. As an
accomplished team of Evil Geniuses, Skadimundr and Ixiptla suggest, "Always
be meticulously groomed. Varnish your nails, wash and brush your fur and teeth
well. You can't charm you way into or out of situations if you're smelly!"
Remember, Evil Overlords are required to speak publicly to their adoring minions.
It is essential their robes are spotless, their hair is clean and groomed, and
their teeth are gleaming.
To keep your clothes clean, there is one very simple rule: Don't do any of
the dirty work! With brainwashed Neopets as your slaves, you don't have to lift
a finger! However, there's always the chance you could spill coffee on your
cloak. Don't worry; this is why you have hundreds of replicates in the closet.
Simply get out a new outfit, and send the old one out to the dry cleaners.
Putting it All Together
I hope you've been taking good notes! If you follow these four guides and
roll them into one, a shiny new you will emerge. This red-eyed, black-clad,
sneering fiend will finally be ready to make a name in the Gallery of Evil,
to succeed where all other Evil Overlords have failed before. You've got the
minions. You've got the talk. You've got the walk. And now, you've got… the
Look.
Author's Note: Bwhaha! Thanks for reading, as this is my first NT story.
Comments are welcome! Please understand that this guide is a joke. Because,
well, you'd probably get laughed at for going to school with a dubloon stuck
in your eye. A big thanks to the Dark Willers, especially to their Malevolent
Leader of Darkness, Havaheart, as well as Skadimundr & Ixiptla. Celebrate the
evil!
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