The Most Senior of Elderly Citizens (Oldest Weirdo in Neopia)
THE LAND BEFORE THE LAND WAS LAND - Neopia, as we know it today, is as mechanised
as Mechachiazilla, as civil as the Presidential Palace, and as odd as this
little guy. Indeed, Neopia has flourished like Festering Coffee in a the Meridell
Rubbish Dump -- but it had to start somewhere. In fact, it had to start somewhere
before it started. And, in theory, there was a time before the time before it
started. But we'll save that for a good yarn at the Golden
Dubloon, since it really won't suit our purposes much. We'll stick to the
time it began before it began.
What is I'm rambling about? Why, B.N, of course! No, it's not "Boogie Nest",
it's "Before Neopia." Apparently, it's the time all the events in Neopia took
place -- the ones before Neopia, that is. Okay, for all those with their heads
still firm and unimploded (like dexploded, only different), I think what they
mean is before Neopets. Not NEOPIA, per se, but the actual Neopets. Like
the guys in the Invasion of Meridell - 300 B.N.! The land they're fighting in
exists, but they don't! Wow, that really made sense for a second there. I guess
it's time to stop using this
junk. All this existence and non-existence makes you wonder -- what was
Neopia like before Neopia? Who knows, but perhaps in finding the oldest living
being in Neopia, we will know. A legitimate quest? Not in the least. A job for
me? Oh yeah.
The first place I figured a good idea to look would be the Haunted Woods.
After all, there are ancient evils, immortal scourges, and best of all, eternal
terrors of ages past (gets ya' going, doesn't it?). So, after poking
around a bit, I came across this guy with a whole lot of gray matter. Except,
it's red. Er, yeah. Anyway, there were several reasons I thought this guy was
One, being that he addressed me as, "Mortal!" which implies that he is condescending
from the immortal realm. Two, that he has no hair. Three, that he has no teeth.
And of course, the final thing that told me he must be really old, was that
he asked when someone died, who died a long time ago. This means if he
knows they died, then he must've been around, and that he's really old. However,
the only thing he would tell me is to find out when that stupid Jubjub guy died,
so I had no real choice. But no matter how many times I told him exactly what
the gravestone (that I found with much effort, might I add) said, he said it
was wrong. I then did the Esophagor's quest, just because my gut instinct told
me he had something to do with it. Anyway, after I brought this puddle of green
mud some cookies, he told me exactly when the crazy Jubjub died -- which I already
knew. So I went back to the Brain Tree, asked him how old he was ONE last time,
and he asked me when our Jubjub fr iend died. So I told him for the last time,
and he said it was right this time. In my opinion, this shows he's really --
old people forget a lot of stuff. You would too, if you had a leak like he does.
However, no matter how old it may be implied he is, there is no real proof.
In court, they would call all this, um, I think "lame evidence" if you want
the real legal term. But the slang is "circumstantial evidence", which means
there's nothing really hard and solid-- just lumpy and squishy like his brain.
So I decided that before I was ritualistically sacrificed, I should go looking
for someone older.
I decided to go searching somewhere totally different, and to the top of Terror
Mountain I went. The Snow Faerie seemed like a likely candidate for old age,
since after all, she is so old her hands have turned into a marshmallow-- you
don't see that everyday. Also, she has everyone do her groceries for her, since
she's stuck in her house (some nice young man should go shovel the snow out
of her yard like people do for widows!), a sure sign of being old. But once
again, it's all lame evidence, and there's not a whole lot you can do with that.
And I'm getting tired of that. I could, of course, ask her her age, but that'd
be terribly rude. Not that it's beyond me, I just forgot at the time.
I then decided I wasn't going to find the oldest without looking for things
that just cry out OLD. And how do you survive for a long time, hence becoming
old? You've got to be big. Which led me to Mystery Island, home of the Thriheds,
a trio of brothers.
These guys are so old, they can't remember anything. They can't remember where
their bodies are, how they got there, how to talk, or even how to BLINK! They
forgot all that -- that's how old they are. I tried to have a conversation with
them, but it mainly consisted of them ignoring me, and me picking my toe lint.
While it proved to be very unproductive, I made a fortune on these babies. Even though I can't get them to talk, I have compiled some
real evidence on this one. I think they may really be the oldest. The reason,
primarily, is that the Island Mystic said this to me: "You will mistakenly crush
a cool weapon at the Space Station." The fact that he would say that right when
I was searching for their age PROVES he is a genius. Wondering what the connection
is? Unscramble it. See, if you take the words apart, it solves the anagram,
revealing: "They are." All you have to do is get the "they" and the "ar " from
"mistakenly", "crush", and "you", then create an "e." With the rest of the letters,
well, put in them in your soup or something.
Now if that's not Top of the Mountain Crystal clear evidence, then you can
paint me Darigan and shove a Battle Potato up my nose! But really, don't do
that. This guy would appreciate it too much to waste it on me.
But, still not entirely convinced, I continued the search for really, um,
"elderly" folks. I thought for a moment that Fyora, queen of the faeries, might
indeed be old-- Faeries are immortal, and the queen has to be one of the oldest.
But then I remembered that elderly people didn't dye their hair purple, so she
must be a very lucky angst-filled teen. However, through total chance, while
thinking about... umm... Fyora's "features," I stumbled off the cloud and into
the sea below. That was when I really wished I had some of that Yellow Knight
armor. But luckily, I floated to civilization in mere days. Unluckily, said
civilization had been destroyed by an unexplained whirlpool years before. Humph.
Not to let the opportunity to find a senior citizen slip, I swam down to inspect.
I found a relative of mine-- looks just like me, anyhow-- who told me to leave,
and I also found something very interesting. I don't think ANYONE even knew this chick existed before! And she definitely scores high
in the old department.
The reasons, of course, are on their way. One being that she's made of stone.
Last time I checked, there weren't any stone faeries-- dung faeries, but not
stone faeries (figure that one out!). This means that she must be EXTREMELY
old, for her very race to have vanished from not only the face of Neopia, but
the very memory of the oldest Neopians. But wait-- there's more. Order in the
next thirty minutes and you'll notice she is wearing VERTICAL stripes. Yes,
I said vertical. Anybody who's everybody knows you can't wear vertical stripes--
they make you look fat! So obviously she comes from a place so long ago, they
hadn't even discovered fashion. This is further emphasized by the Christmas
ornament around her neck... when was that in style? We can also derive her name
from the title-- he name is A. Statue. That's not a real common name, either.
We can only guess at what the A is, but I have my theories (It's "Abarkacolokamidikaztastiy
III," I think, but that's just a shot in the dark.).
So, looking at the evidence, I think it's by far Miss Abarkacolok Statue.
No way around it. The ONLY candidate for being older than her is the rock by
the Tyrannian Furniture Shop-- but it's a ROCK. Like, made of stone. So it doesn't
Um... why are you looking at me like that?