A Guide To Writing An Actual Book
BOOK SHOP - Have you ever been restocking in the book shop, seen a cool sounding
book, read it, and thought it was cool? Well, please tell me how you did that,
because I can't find the, "Read to self" option in the drop-down menu. But I'm
not hear to complain about reading, I'm here to complain about--that is, TALK
about--writing those books. Yes, someone IS writing them, and they don't have
magical powers (unless we're referring to Lenny Witchcraft, or Evil
Spells... because if they don't, those books are fake), so that makes them
just like you or me. Which means you or I COULD write a book, right? Funny |I
should you should say that, because that's exactly what we're going to
First we need to get a topic. This actually the easiest part of writing a
book. Your best bet is to pick a subject that's already been done, then add
one word (a good is example is taking something like "Dental Care," and writing
"Krawk Dental Care."), or change one word (an example of this-- "Chomby Pop
Up Book," then "Koi Pop Up Book"). So, for this book we're supposedly writing,
we'll just take a book like "Eye-sha," and change it to... uh, "Eye-blah!" There
might be an uncanny resemblance to the other book, but it's not like you can
sue anyone in Neopia. I think.
Now we have a title, we need to work on the contents, right? Wrong. Not that
your book shouldn't HAVE contents--oh no, indeed it should. I just wouldn't
call what you need to do "work." Mainly because the matter of whether it's well
written or not has nothing to do with the success of your book. Only three things
That your title is at least 11 characters long.
That your description is very vague. That your book is very rare.
Now, before you go Neomailing me about the first requirement, allow me to
explain. Or Neomail me, then read on, then Neomail me again saying "oh heheh
nevermind don't respond go away ur weird ahhhh im scared dont talk to me ever
again or first time or anything yaaaaaah!" Like I was saying.
There's only ONE, yes ONE reason a pet can't read something-- and it's all
about their name. If a pets name is, say, 44455, a book it reads with a title
of ten characters will always be rejected, indefinitely. So when your pet rejects
a book, check your pets name with the name of the book, and you'll always find
a match. Also, as you may know, no pet may have a name over 20 characters. So
if you put 2 and 2 together, you get one thing (well, four things, really, but
overlook that)-- the need for a long title. In other words, if your title is
11 characters or more, every single pet in Neopia will be able to read it. So
let's check our title.
Okay, so it's seven characters. We can change that. All we need to do is add
four letters, and it'll be fine. I think "Eye-blah blah," will work, no? Okay,
so it's a little lackluster, but this whole project is going to be... er, not
really lackluster, per se, just... moving on...
So now, according to the cheap checklist I made universal rules of
book writing, we've completed one third of what there is to do. Oh yeah, and
then you have to write it, but that's just a minor detail.
Let's make our description--the biggest part of actually WRITING the book--for
"Eye-blah blah." Remember--think VAGUE. Really vague. Something like, "This
book contains excitement, adventure, tragedy, and eye balls, with an added bonus
of blah blah!" Hmm, maybe, "If you only read one book this year, read THIS book.
To your pets, that is." Or perhaps, "This is a book about a Nimmo named Eye-blah
blah. Read it." I think any of those work-- and remember, when in doubt, go
read some book descriptions and get an idea of what yours should be like. There's
another third down, one to go... and writing. Sheesh, why do you keep bringing
The last on the checklist is very simple, and very, very easy. See, since
you're an owner, you can't actually read your book. You can't even read the
last sentence you typed into your Dung Typewriter. Nope, there's no drop down
for, "Read to self," as stated before. So there's only one way to check-- have
a pet read over your work. However, there's a catch-- once they read over it,
poof! Everything you just read will disappear in a puff of colored smoke.
So then you have to start over, write what you just wrote again, this time with
the suggestions, PLUS continue writing farther. Then have a pet read it, lost
everything, write it all up again, write it a little farther, and poof
once more. There's a reason there are only a little over 700 books in Neopia.
But I'm getting off topic-- this about RARITY.
If you're still wondering what that has to do with rarity, go read, "X X Y
Y Z Z" and come back. If you still don't get it-- fine, I'll elaborate. As said
above, almost every copy of your book disappears, except for the ones never
read, which are often totally horrible, since no revision is possible. So what
you have to do is write your book one word at a time-- one word in one copy,
same word in another. You just keep repeating this process, until you have two
identically completed books (may take 1 to 3 years, results may vary). Then
you can have a pet read one, tell you what to change, which you can then change
(repeating the word-by-word process once again) and have them read one of the
two NEW copies. Then, if all is well, you've got a book. A book, mind
you-- we're talking one. And no one can repeat it because you have to read it.
This is where mass printing comes in handy, but good luck getting a book called
"Eye-blah blah" published.
So see, now you have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY rare book! Congratulations!
That one copy in Neopia will be worth so much at the book award, they'll be
squabbling to get a hold of it. Unfortunately, you can't sell it directly to
them, you have to sell it to the book shop for something like 1,244 NPs, so
they can resell it for 2,187 NPs. And then whoever gets THAT deal will make
untold millions. But you just get lunch money... but at least your close friends
know you wrote it. Too bad they don't have credits on books...
Well, you've seen the glamorous life of an author, but before you get enthusiastically
writing, let's talk to a few REAL Neopian book authors.
N9 [noremac9]: Hello, Fronds Von Vicktimheimlech, can I ask you a few question?
Note: Turns out Fronds had turned off his brain for two years after finishing
"Counting Potatoes." Ah well...
N9: Hello, Mr. Meir, can I ask YOU a few questions?
MM: Leave... while you... cannnn!
N9: Is that a yes?
N9: Okay, first question-- what was it like writing "The Legend of Count Von
Roo?" did you get any interesting field work? Any tips to aspiring authors?
N9: Well, yes, excersize can be helpful, but what about writing tips?
MM: It's taking me... agghghghg...
N9: I see.
Note: Mr. Meir then proceeded to attempt to bite me on the neck and suck
the life out of me, mumbling about the evil of Count Von Roo, so I left. Humph.
N9: Hello, Sandy Dorkensen, can YOU PLEASE answer some questions PLEASE?
SD: Is that an Attack Fork?
SD: Then yes, I can...
N9: How terribly thoughtful. First question-- did you almost go crazy writing,
"Caring for Peophins," like most authors, or did you keep your cool? Any thing
to say to young authors?
SD: No, I didn't go crazy, because I learned the secret of writing a book--
don't care. If you care about the book, you'll go crazy... if you don't, you'll
only go slightly loony.
N9: So you wrote a book about caring without... caring?
SD: It's 17 characters.
N9: Ah. Any tips for others?
SD: Don't write a book. Write Haikus.
N9: And you've only gone SLIGHTLY mad?
SD: I'm not the one holding the Attack Fork.
Um, so as you can see, being an author is really glamorous, healthy, and enjoyable...
so, uh, I recommend writing a book to anyone with at least one opposable thumb
and a moving arm! And some fingers for the thumb, probably...