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NEOPIA CENTRAL - We’ve all seen them, Darigan pets. Perhaps taking a dark-and-stormy
midnight stroll, we saw one illuminated by a well-timed flash of lightning.
Perhaps winding through the alleyways of the “evil” parts of Neopia, we saw
many of them through a grimy window, cackling evilly to each other. Or maybe,
just maybe, one of your very own pets is Darigan.
In any case, I’m sure we’ve all noticed something that they all have in common.
No, not the colour purple— the Darigan Grarrl, Zafara, Moehog and the legendary
Darigan Pteri (as of which none have been seen, except in ye olde tomes of yore)
have no trace of purple adorning them. Is it the red, glaring, undoubtedly scheming
eyes? Yes, well, they have all those, but I’m talking about something far more
important… Their pointy-ness.
You hear me. Perhaps almost all Neopets are very cuddly, in some way or another.
Yet not once they’ve gone over to the Darigan side. If you try cuddling one
of them, countless barbs, spines, spikes, thorns, claws and teeth get in the
way. Strange, is it not? My question, and no doubt yours, is this:
Why are Darigan pets pointy?
I shall explore a few of my theories, perhaps debunking some of them in the
process.
Theory #1:
They are pointy for self-defense purposes.
Evaluation: True, being pointy can protect one from unwanted cuddling by over-eager
owners. Yet what are a few spikes of self-defense compared to the other methods
of defense Darigan pets undoubtedly have? Let’s face it, Darigan pets are very
expensive pets to have, so their owners must indeed be rolling in Neopoints.
And of course rich owners= well equipped points. So this pointy-ness is redundant,
so it cannot be for self-defense. Scratch that.
Theory #2:
They are pointy in order to make them look more evil and less cute.
Evaluation: First of all, pointy does not mean evil. Second of all, pointy
does not mean less cute. The Darigan Techo is positively shmoogly. Next theory.
Theory #3:
To emphasize the contrast to Meridell buildings and icons.
Evaluation: This does have some merit. Meridell castle is round and square
in different parts, but never pointy. I shall investigate this.
As I gaze upon the landscape of Meridell, scribbling furiously on my round
notebook (which, by the way, is not pointy), I can confirm this theory. The
roundness of the Turdles and the Turmaculus, the round tables, the round houses
in Illusen’s Grove— no points in sight. Yes, so this third theory must be at
least partly the reason why Darigan pets are so pointy. Next theory.
Theory #4:
Darigan’s real enemy is Maraqua, not Meridell. Meridell is merely a decoy.
Evaluation: Now we’re talking! What can be more round than everything about
what Maraqua was? Let’s look at the few surviving items of Maraquan culture:
The Maraquan chef. A Flotsam, one of the smoothest Neopets around. If you’re
about to open your mouth and protest that he has a giant pointy horn growing
out of his head, quiet. I’m on a roll, don’t burst my bubble.
Remember what Maraqua used to look like? Domes, I tell you! Domes! The least
pointy structure possible!
And the “Maraquan Pets”? I haven’t been scuba-diving so I haven’t seen real
ones, but from the pictures they’re roundest, smoothest and therefore least
pointy pets around.
Darigan’s true enemy, as deeply symbolized by their contrast of pointy-Ness
versus roundness, is Maraqua. Darigan is a very powerful enemy to have… and
look what happened to Maraqua! Don’t believe the history books, Darigan did
it. Darigan.
Great theory, isn’t it?
Theory #5:
Lord Darigan is the biggest fan of pointy-Ness around.
Evaluation: This, in fact, is the most valid theory. Look at his citadel— just
gazing at it, floating above the Meridell landscape, I feel as if my eyes are
being assaulted. It is the epitome of structural pointy-ness-icity. (Yes, that
is indeed a word. For now.) Lord Darigan no doubt was the biggest fan of said
pointy-ness-icity that Neopia has ever seen. However, and you must have been
expecting this:
Why does Lord Darigan like pointy-ness so much?
Simply rehashing my last four theories shall never do, so I must go straight
to the source: I must go to Lord Darigan himself.
Donning my anti-pointy suit (which is in fact a blue grass skirt), I shall
make my way to where he currently resides.
And here I am. (Do no ask how I got here, let us just say that Neopian Times
Writers have connections.)
And now for a transcript of the interview:
Me: Lord Darigan, why do you like pointy things so much?
Lord Darigan: What? How did you get here? Guards? GUARDS!
At which point (no pun intended) I was promptly ushered out of his lair, and
kicked out of the very pointy door. Ouch. But a reporter must never give up
their search for the truth, so I shall try again. This time with a disguise:
instead of donning my anti-pointy-blue-grass skirt, I shall don my disguised-anti-pointy-blue-grass-skirt.
I simply found some hair gel and gelled the grass into many points. Effortlessly
and inscrutably disguised as I am as a Darigan supporter, I shall try again.
And now for a transcript of the second interview:
Lord Darigan: Hello there, friend. I do admire your pointy blue grass-skirt.
Me: Thank you very much. I have a question for you.
Lord Darigan: Shoot.
Me: Why do you like pointy things so much?
Lord Darigan: Oh, what a good question! You see, when I was a little child,
all the other children made fun of me. They called me “Dairy-gone Bad.” Imagine
that! Dairy-gone Bad! The worst of those little children was Skarl, the little
rascal. One day, he was chasing me through the fields, shouting all sorts of
horrible things. I happened upon a pit filled with thorns, and I had a brilliant
idea— I covered up the pit with sticks and leaves and hid behind a rock. Skarl
of course fell into the pit, all the while screaming “Ow! Pointy! OW! POINTY!”
And I laughed and laughed. From that day onward, I have always had a love of
pointy things!
So there you have it, good readers. One, no TWO of Neopia’s greatest mysteries
have been solved before your very eyes! Yet I am not nearly finished. There
are so many more enigmas to be solved in Neopia, and I shall not rest until
I have done just that!
Signing off,
Yadoking.
Many thanks to the Neopian Times Writers Forum.
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