A Quick and Simple Guide to Becoming a Non-Stereotypical Evil Villain by extreme_fj0rd |  |
GALLERY OF EVIL - As you can probably guess from the title, this article is about
how not to eat asparagus and borovan. Wait, no, that’s not right. How about instead
we talk about how to become a non-stereotypical villain in [insert number of steps
here] easy and simple steps? Hey, wait a second—that’s what the title says! Isn’t
that a coincidence.
Step 1: Paint yourself
Yep, that’s right. Baby, Faerie, Plushie, and Cloud are the best colours for
a potential non-stereotypical villain. Another good one, though one that just
came out, is Royal. Currently only Zafaras can be painted Royal, but if you
aren’t a Zafara, don’t fret! There are sure to be others coming out soon, and
in the mean time just grab a cloak from someone and wear that. No one will be
able to see under it, so they won’t notice that you aren’t painted Royal. If
being a King (or Queen) for a day, or week, or month, year, decade, century,
millennium, etc. doesn’t strike your fancy, try one of the other colours up
there. Baby is nice, as no one would ever suspect a villain, even a non-stereotypical
one, to be disguised as a baby. But this isn’t about camoflaging yourself; this
is about becoming a non-stereotypical villain. Well, Baby is still a nice choice,
as is Faerie. Faerie is the perfect choice—as stereotypical villains are mostly
against Faerieland, no one would ever mistake you for one of those with your
new Faerie coat! Cloud is rather good as well, as it is a peaceful colour. Exactly
right for you Zen masters that want to be non-stereotypical villains. Plushie
is simply squishy. No stereotypical villain would be caught dead like that!
Hmm, actually that’s a nice mental image… Plushie Sloth… hehe. –cough- Well,
back on subject!
Step 2: Change your manner of speech
This one is actually simple; all stereotypical villains invariably punctuate
themselves with one word. This word is ‘Muahahaha’ in varying lengths. So, to
be non-stereotypical (whew, my fingers are getting tired typing that word over
and over again…), avoid Muahaha at all costs. Even when you think it would be
a good idea, it isn’t. Ever. Got it? Good. Another alteration you can make is
to insert the word ‘like’ in its place. Here is an example of a sentence using
Muahaha and one using Like. Both are the same, except those two words.
First: ‘And so, muahaha, I went to, muahaha, the mall, and muahaha, there were,
muahaha, shoes!’
Second: ‘And so, like, I went to, like, the mall, and like, there were, like,
shoes!’
Which sounds more evil? First one, definitely. Evil is –so- stereotyped. So
for a fresh, exciting, new outlook on villainhood, try the second one instead.
In fact, just stick to that sentence. Don’t say anything else! Example conversation:
Other person: Do you want to go to the mall?
You: And so, like, I went to, like, the mall, and like, there were, like, shoes!
O. P. : Yes, I know you went to the mall, but do you want to go again?
You: And so, like, I went to, like, the mall, and like, there were, like, shoes!
O.P. : Yes…
You: And so, like, I went to, like, the mall, and like, there were, like, shoes!
O.P. : -sigh-
See? It fits perfectly. If that doesn’t fit you, try ‘baby talk.’ This is
a stereotype as well, but not a villain stereotype. A sentence in ‘baby talk’:
‘Mommy, may I pwease have a wittwe bottwe of miwk?’ This will guarantee you
a reply like this: ‘Oh of course you can, you darling ickle little baby!’
They’ll never suspect that you’re trying to take over the world… which brings
us to our next hint.
Step 3: Don’t try to take over the world
This one may, at first, seem redundant. But ask yourself—what was Sloth trying
to do? What was Darigan’s plan? And, when you answer yourself, you’ll be crazy!
Congratulations, you’ve achieved the rank of Evil Genius… because along with
all that genius, you have to be a little crazy. And since you haven’t gotten
to all the steps yet, you aren’t not Evil yet. Wow, that even confused me! Cool.
Anyway, all stereotypical villains try to take over the world. Ergo, if you
are a villain but do not try to take over the world, or Neopia, whichever is
closer, you are a non-stereotypical villain. After a few more steps, that is.
Suggested other activities for non-stereotypical villains in the free time created
by not trying to take over the world:
1. Kissing the tops of baby’s heads (which is kind of evil, but, well, just
DO it. –quiet maniacal laugh- )
2. Shaking people’s hands
3. Marching in parades
4. Running for the office of Faerie Queen, King of Meridell, President of Neopia
Central (though as the current Presidents are co- reigners Adam and Donna, that
would be a tricky race to win), Queen or King of Terror Mountain, the Ice Caves,
Happy Valley or the Lost Desert; Spooky King or Queen of the Haunted Woods,
Tribal Chief of Mystery Island, or Pirate Captain of Krawk Island. Another position
you could try for is the Village Elder of Tyrannia.
5. Giving away random items
Well, those are a few things you can do, though number four includes 1, 2,
3, and 5. So, really, 4 is the one you should do. It’s up to you to figure out
what position you’d like to run for; all of them seem to be popular, especially
among the green people who wear black and have a maniacal laugh… wait, that’s
Sloth, and he’s trying to take over the world. Nevermind! Anyway, just one is
sufficiently time-consuming to keep you busy, and no one can say that you’re
trying to take over Neopia. Unless you go for High and Supreme Ruler of All
Neopia, which Adam and Donna also share… then it’s attempting to take over Neopia.
Okay, on with the article!
Step 4: Have Dress Sense
This one immediately makes sense. Hehe, ‘sense’! Get it? Okay, it was a lame
joke. Anyway, as Sloth and Darigan both have no dress sense and they are both
quite obviously stereotypical villains, if one were to be a non-stereotypical
villain, well, shades of pink look very nice together. I think. As I get all
my fashion advice from my completely stereotypical villain pet, Lyrian_, I kind
of doubt that it’s true. Okay, just find some fashion-obsessed pet and get them
to pick out your clothes, makeup (if you –really- want to have paint smeared
all over your face) and such every day. One last tip, and then you’ll be a fully-fledged
non-stereotypical villain!
Step 5: Pick Your Species
Some species of pet look more, well, evil than others. A Grarrl is much scarier
than a Usul, as a Skeith is more fear inspiring than a Uni. A Lupe is probably
more than a tad more frightening than an Aisha, etc.. It’s entirely your call
as to which pet is less scary and evil than others, though I’d enlist the help
of others if you disagree with the above pairs. Morphing potions are easily
obtained (if you have the Neopoints), and so are Transmogrification potions.
If you use a Transmogrification potion, though, you may want to buy a paintbrush
as well; Mutant pets are, by most, considered Evil.
Okay, I lied. One last tip.
Step 6: Don’t do anything illegal
This means what it says, and says what it means. If it needs clarification,
abandon your plans of Non-Evil SuperGeniusdom and…. Well, okay, just Neomail
me.
Author’s note: Muahaha, I fooled you! There is no author’s note… and apparently
I cannot be a non-stereotypical villain, as I just violated the most important
rule. Hehe.
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