My Guide To Neopian Culture (In Other Words, How To Be Snooty) by bluescorchio104 |  |
*Note: This article is meant completely in jest, and not to be taken
seriously at all. Everything written here is meant purely for a laugh.
DEEP CATACOMBS- This article aims to learn ya, uh, I mean educate you, on the
basics of sophisticated Neopian culture. In this handy article, you’ll learn
everything from how to fit in with the Gourmet Club members, to how to ponder
the mysteries of life with the deeper-thinkers in the Deep Catacombs. Let’s
start with basic introduction to Neopian culture:
Firstly, not all Neopian culture is snooty -- Shock horror! Secondly, not all
Neopian culture is humble -- Shock horror! Thirdly, I’m not wearing a newspaper
hat at the moment, and haven’t worn one for several hours -- Shock horror!
Okay, I think you’ve been shocked and horrified enough for now. Let’s move
on. We must tackle what you’ll need to fit in with the refined and sophisticated.
I mentioned that not all cultured people are snobs. However, the ones that
are snobs are so big-headed they could be mistaken for weather balloons. Remember,
when dealing with these people, that they were once like yourself, before their
ego inflated to gigantic proportions, and they were forced to have all of their
Neohome doorways enlarged so that their huge heads could fit through. Also remember
that right uppercuts are NOT cultured, so please resist the urge to use them
on snobs. Left uppercuts, rabbit punches and use of banana cream pies are all
fine.
Now, there is a large difference between being cultured and looking
cultured. As I have a short amount of time before my weekly class on how to
burn raisin toast, we’ll take the shortcut, and learn how to look cultured.
Step 1: Conversation
Now, the REAL cultured people will have years of knowledge, while you will
only have this guide. So, whenever you’re in the company of the cultured elite,
and one of them makes a remark, try to understand what they say, and respond
with a type of restrained elegance. If what they’re saying sounds like gibberish
to you, then either I’ve butted into the conversation, or they’re spouting about
some type of fancy thingamajig. In the case of the latter, just nod your head
slowly and thoughtfully. If you have the faint idea that they’re airing one
of their many opinions, nod, stroke your chin thoughtfully, and say “I concur”.
If they look at you strangely, either quickly change the subject, or say something
like “Just look at the time - I really must be going.”. And if anyone presses
you for a proper excuse, just say “My Doglefox ate my Neoschool homework.” Just
trust me on this one. You see, at first they’ll be confused. But a few seconds
later they’ll realize that you’re so cultured and classy that you can attend
Neoschool even though it hasn’t been released to the public yet. Ooooohhh, aaaahhhh.
Now that’s classy.
Always remember that you are the Fisherman Of Social Status Climbing. Conversation
is the wriggly bait on the Hook Of Acquaintance. If a Fish Of Cultured Person-ness
bites, simply reel them in on the Fishing Line Of Social Ladder-ness. If the
fish is simply a dud merely pretending to be snooty (nothing like yourself,
of course) dump them back in the Sea Of Snootiness. If they are genuine, however,
put them in the Bucket Of Friendship, and head back to local Fish Market Of
Snobby Exclusiveness where you can use your new-found friend to improve your
own social standing. Of course, the Fish Of Cultured Person-ness will then be
dead, because we all know that fish need water to survive, and you forgot to
fill the Bucket Of Friendship with liquid of any sort. If you’re wondering why
I’m talking in metaphors, it’s because I have no idea what I’m rambling about,
and lost track of what I meant to say several minutes ago. You might want to
get used to that when talking to snooty people.
Step 2: Lookin’ Classy
This next step is to not only have the knowledge of the refined and elegant,
but to look you ARE refined and elegant. As you’re probably too poor to afford
real fancy jewellery, just buy a few cheap water/fire/earth/air rings from the
Battledome shop, prise off those big shiny gems, and string them onto a necklace.
Another bit of fashion advice -- don’t follow the trends; BE THE TREND! Wear
the most outrageous clothing you own, with random bits and bobs hanging off
it. Anything shiny or made of dung (or perhaps some Robot Skeith dung, which
is both shiny and made of dung) will do just fine. Don’t forget a bizarre hat-
that final touch is essential! Casually drop into your conversation that your
latest clothing was designed by some famous fashion designer. Close your eyes
and count to ten, and open them again. Chances are, in that ten seconds, everyone
would have made their excuses to leave and dashed off, in order to smear their
garments with something shiny, or made of dung, or both.
Step 3: Climbing The Social Ladder
After making some “friends” with Neopia’s cultural elite (they will have been
captivated by your witty conversation and fashion sense), the next step up the
social ladder is to host a fancy party. To avoid your newfound “friends” finding
out that your Neohome is made of cardboard, is furnished with Dung Furniture
and that you are forced to survive on Chewing Dung and Musho Mushy Peas, simply
host the party at a suitable place. This means stalking some pompous well-to-do
Neopian for a little while. Then, merely send them a fake letter (with the most
expensive stamp you can find) telling them they’ve won a free trip to Mystery
Island, and move into the house once they’ve gone. To make sure that they’re
gone for at least 24 hours (the time it takes to prepare for, host and then
clean up after a party), simply sabotage the Mystery Island ferry.
As for the food, just grab anything you find rotting away in your fridge. Mix
it all up, add just a sprinkle of salt (or dirt) and voila, you have the perfect
dish for snooty guests. Make sure that before you serve it to them that you
tell them that this particular dish is not only made with the finest ingredients,
cooked by the finest chefs, served in the finest bowls, and has been exposed
to the finest air, but also requires an extremely delicate and refined palate
in order to enjoy its exquisite taste. Don’t worry if you’re not sure what a
palate is exactly- remember, you’re only pretending to be fancy. Merely
sit back, and watch your guests attempt not to puke, while at the same time
praising your marvellous taste in food. None of them will dare admit that they
don’t enjoy their food at all- after all, that would mean they wouldn’t have
a ‘extremely delicate and refined palate’. No one likes to lose face at a dinner
party. No one likes to lose their lunch either, but well, that’s just a sacrifice
you’re going to have to make after cramming your foul concoction down your throat.
Hey, I never said being snooty was going to be easy!
Step 4: Join the Club
This is the part of pretending to be snooty that begins to become REALLY hard.
All snooty people have passions- some are part of the Gourmet Club, others are
in the Book Award Club, and some are in clubs so exclusive the president is
the only member. Remember that the vast majority of people in these various
clubs are not snooty- they’re ordinary Neopians expressing their passion for
a hobby.
However, it’s often a Lupe eat Lupe world in those clubs. (For those Lupe Lovers
out there, please read that last phrase as ‘a Chia eat Chia world’. For weirdos
like myself who believe in cannibalistic cheese, read that as ‘a cheese eat
cheese world.’). In the Gourmet Club, you have to constantly stuff yourself
with various delicacies to keep up with the front-runners. With the Book Award
Club, you constantly have to purchase large, expensive tomes and pore over them
into the early hours of the morning. Of course, a great part of these clubs
is the fact that you don’t NEED to keep up with the elite. Even if you’re on
the lowest rung, you’re still part of the club. So, just get a free Puntec Fruit
from the Fruit Machine, and stake out the book shop for a cheap novel, and voila-
you already have membership to two very large, important societies. When people
ask you what your hobbies are, just casually mention your numerous club memberships,
and wait for the admiration to flood in. Just don’t mention that millions of
others are ahead of you.
Have you reached the top of the social ladder yet? Well, if your have, don’t
get too comfortable. Soon enough, a hundred other people are going to try and
climb the ladder at once, and consequently the ladder shudder, shake, and eventually
collapse upon itself. Any unlucky person who may have been walking under the
ladder at the time obviously had their bad luck sent Express-Delivery.
Don’t worry if you spend all your time climbing the social ladder, then ultimately
fail. Some people are more suited to stepladders than social ladders. Some people
also refuse to read this article properly, and consequently fail.
Well, I have exhausted all of my knowledge of culture, in order to help you
fake it. Good luck! On second thought, I take that back! This article is so
effective, you won’t even NEED the luck!
*Disclaimer: Terms and conditions apply. Actual outcomes may vary. This
article is non-refundable. Nor is it grounds for lawsuits or offensive action
of any kind. However, you may splat me in the face with banana cream pies if
you wish. I like pies.
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