Poor as Dirt Pie... and Lovin' It! by laurenzoren |  |
NATIONAL NEOPIAN BANK - It happens to the best of us. We're standing at the check-out
counter in the toy shop, eagerly awaiting the look on our Techo's face when she
sees her shiny new yo-yo. After much haggling and ages of waiting in line with
other impatient customers, we finally reach the front of the counter. Sticking
our hands into our pockets we rummage around for a few loose coins, only to find
that we are carrying no more than a rotten berry, a Little Timmy battlecard, and…
a pile of dung? How did that get there??
In any event, you know what I'm talking about. There's nothing worse than
an empty bank account, and there's no telling when this horrible monster of
poverty may sneak up on any one of us. But after many long hours spent wistfully
browsing the Hidden Tower, I realized that there are tons of ways to keep occupied
in Neopia without spending any money at all -- it's just a matter of exploring
a bit! Therefore, both as a manual for those of you who find yourselves in my
situation, and also as a general resource for you multimillionaires who have
no clue what I'm talking about, I offer this fully sincere guide to having a
healthy, enjoyable time in Neopia without a penny to your name.
Ha, ha… okay, you got me, I am never fully sincere! But as long as we're poor
as Dirt Pie and completely devoid of responsibility, we might as well have a
good time frolicking wildly through Neopia! So what are we waiting for; let's
get started!
Alright, first things first. I really hope that you haven't become completely
irresponsible just because you have no money, because even if you're poor, you
need to keep those pets fed!
"But Laurenzoren," you say, "how can I feed my pets when I can't even afford
to buy food?"
Ha, nice try -- don't think you can fool me with those petty excuses! The
soup Faerie is always willing to serve some delicious soup to hungry Neopets
who have only a few Neopoints, and her concoctions come in flavors that range
from Invisible to Cornupepper. In addition, there are tons of free food resources
around Neopia! Now, let us examine these carefully. You have four pets at most,
and each pet only needs to be fed once a day, yes? And between the giant omelette
and the free jelly you get FIVE free servings of food each day… I think you
can do the math. So maybe your cute little striped Kacheek won't be eating everlasting
apple out of a fresh fruit goblet, but I really don't think he will even notice
the difference -- just consider it part of a program to fight pet gluttony.
And as for entertainment… let the fun begin!
The first place we will stop on our Neopointless tour of Neopia (no pun intended?)
will be Mystery Island. You may as well stop by the Tombola as you stroll through
the isle, because it's totally free and if you're lucky you could get a rare
prize! Oh, who am I kidding; you know as well as I do that you always just get
Tombola key rings and tins of sardines, but it's worth a shot! Luckily however,
your misery may soon be over, because we are heading straight for the beach!
Ahhh, what a pleasant place -- I know I could just lounge on that sand all day,
watching the waves lap up on the shore and tasting the salty Neopian water.
But if you're not the lounging type, just take a look around and you should
be able to find some Myncis playing volleyball on the beach. These little guys
can be great fun, although they are very competitive -- and if you "send your
score" when you are done playing, you may just find yourself with a few extra
Neopoints on your hands! Once your game is over, you can just shuffle over to
the Island Mystic for your daily fortune. Hopefully it will be better than mine,
but even if it's not, it should at least provide you with a little entertainment,
especially when you consider that nothing bad can really happen to you since
you have nothing to lose!
Which reminds me -- what if your pet catches ill? You certainly can't afford
any medicinal soap, now can you? It is a good thing our next stop is Faerieland,
home of the Healing Springs. If ever you find that your pet has become ill with
a bad case of Sneezles, just stop by these magical springs and the water Faerie
will be more than happy to help you out. It might take a couple of tries, but
she'll cure your pet sooner or later! And while you're in Faerieland, why not
try out the colouring game? It's one of the only games in Neopia that neither
takes nor gives Neopoints, and your pet will be so flattered when you create
a lifelike, colorful portrait of her that she might even smack you and yell,
"That doesn't look anything like me! I'm a green Techo, not a pink and orange
Blumaroo!" Well, that's what my pet did anyway. However, even if you're not
poor, this game is really quite fun -- well, for a couple minutes at least.
It's not Sutek's Tomb, but then again… what is?
As long as we're in Faerieland, we might as well try our hand at the crossword.
It can be found in Faerie City, and it requires a bit of Neopian knowledge,
but all in all it is quite fun. Actually, it requires a slightly excessive amount
of Neopian knowledge, and anyone who can honestly complete it off the top of
their head and is not a full-time employee of Neopets either has a brilliant
memory or too much spare time, but the good news is that if you do manage to
complete it, there is a small Neopoint reward -- in fact, the faster you go,
the more points you'll get! And on your way out of Faerieland, see if you can
catch a glimpse of the Poogle races. Even if you can't bet any Neopoints on
the match, you can always peek over the wall with your pets and try to guess
which Poogle will win! (Although as a Poogle owner, I think this is Poogle cruelty,
but who am I to stop you from having a little free fun?)
We now make our way over to the Haunted Woods. Oooh… creepy… I hope you're
not afraid of the dark, because we have to go straight into the middle of the
forest for our next stop. Just keep trampling through those leaves until you
find a place to make some pretty neato masks. Okay, so maybe people won't actually
think that you are a Lupe, but it will be awfully fun to pretend! After you're
done, if you are feeling really daring and adventurous you can try climbing
the Brain Tree, although it might try to shake you off. Still, I've heard that
the view from up there is pretty cool… but the tough part is getting back down
(hey, I don't blame that Warf rescue team for refusing to rescue pets from the
Brain Tree!) If you're still up for more, try checking out the haunted house,
where you can go on a pretty frightening adventure. It might not be as creepy
as your Lupe mask, but I think you may still be a little spooked.
Luckily, the Lost Desert is situated right next to the Haunted Woods, so when
you've had enough eeriness you can just make your way over to the burning sand.
Now make sure you brought some (tap) water, because the lost desert can be a
little dry, and the last thing you want is a couple of parched Neopets asking
you if they can drink out of that dirty river. Now that the Usurper game is
over, you are free to wander around Sakhmet's palace -- and you don't even have
to worry about being murdered! Be sure to admire the fine jewels adorning the
inside and the fine sand adorning the outside. And if you like numbers, you
can have a little fun with the cool golden Lost Desert Calculator. Here's a
problem for you to work out: if the lost desert is nine miles wide and over
nine miles long, and contains a million billion grains of sand and no water
whatsoever except for in the very center, how are there palm trees growing all
over the place? Think about that for awhile…
Anyway, we don't want to get sunburned, so we probably shouldn't spend all
day there. In fact, let's return to my absolute favorite part of Neopia for
the last leg of our Neopointless sojourn: Neopia Central. Ah, smell that fresh
air, sweet with blossoming trees, and taste that fresh Neopian breeze on your
tongue. Of course, the first place to which you feel drawn is the Arts Centre,
my favorite spot in all Neopia. Despite its dank, stony atmosphere, these catacombs
are actually quite invigorating. You can start off by browsing the art gallery,
home of Neopia's finest homemade artwork, to find inspiration for your next
masterpiece. From there you can head on over to the blue Blumaroo who will teach
you how to draw all your favorite pets, petpets, and faeries. Bet you feel pretty
artsy, huh? But don't stop now, because the poetry contest is just next door
-- for those of you with a poetic flair, your big break could happen right here!
Of course, the story telling contest is also fun, and even if you're not much
of a writer, nothing gets the imagination churning like a few tales from Neopia's
legendary narrators. This, of course, brings us to the last free hot spot in
the Catacombs: the Neopian Times. But I needn't tell you about this treasure
trove of stories, comics and articles, because clearly you have already found
it! Good work.
Okay, so let's go back out into the daylight -- ooh, that sun is bright! If
you are the educational type, you can take a guided tour of the hospital, where
a friendly Gelert will explain to you how the many Neopian illnesses are diagnosed,
and how all these ailments can be cured. Or, you can browse the book shop. Of
course, you can't buy anything, but nobody is stopping you from pulling a couple
of novels off the shelf and leafing through a few pages. Feeling smart yet?
I bet you are!
Well, I think that brings us to the end of our journey. You may not be any
richer; you may not be any wiser; but you are certainly at least two minutes
older than you were when we started out. Yay! But, oh dear, you must be exhausted
after all that traveling. Now why don't you just go back to that Neohome and
curl up in that Beauty Bed to get a good night's sleep -- and don't worry, your
empty bank account will still be waiting for you when you wake up!
|
