DARIGAN CITADEL - I was walking past the Citadel the other day and I saw this
hand-painted cardboard sign hanging off of it:
"For hire: one deranged, deposed despot, will work for food or orbs."
I didn't have a clue what that sign meant, so I went home and consulted my
dictionary. Translated into more basic English, the sign says:
"For hire: one nutty as a fruitcake, overthrown power-mad leader, will
work for food or orbs."
I can see why Lord Darigan wrote that sign the way he did instead of my way.
My way would have needed a LOT bigger piece of cardboard. And maybe it was kind
of a delayed reaction, since I had to go home and read my dictionary first and
all, but I suddenly felt sort of sorry for Darigan. I mean, there just aren't
that many job openings in Neopia for deranged, deposed despots. Even if there
was a job opening for one, I'm sure Lord Darigan would find himself in line
behind Dr. Sloth.
So I decided to help Lord Darigan out. I figured I would try to think up some
employment opportunities for a guy with his specific... ummm... talents. So
I wrote down a list of all his qualities. Here is the list:
2. Really tall.
3. Extremely tall.
I could see that I was having trouble thinking of his qualities, so I decided
to take a different tactic. I decided to take a look at Dr. Sloth. After all,
he is also a total-loony-world-dominating-but-got-defeated kind of guy. And
he didn't simply slink off into the sunset. He's still around. So what did Dr.
Sloth do when he was defeated?
I did a little research and I discovered that although Dr. Sloth probably
doesn't hang out in the Virtupets Space Station as much anymore, he still owns
it. This means that a fair amount of the profits from Grundo's Cafe, Space Armour,
Space Weaponry and the RoboPet Shop goes to him. Not only does Dr. Sloth still
own the Virtupet Space Station, but he sells stock in his huge Virtupets Company
on the Neopian Stock Market. If you don't believe me, his ticker symbol is VPTS.
Dr. Sloth also owns some real estate. The Ski Lodge on Terror Mountain belongs
to him and has a handy laboratory in the basement for him to use when he is
in the neighborhood.
So if Dr. Sloth can make a career change after being defeated, there is no
reason that Lord Darigan can't do the same thing. So here I am, ready to help
the poor deranged, deposed, despotic Darigan find a new job. Here are a few
of the job opportunities I thought might be just the ticket for him:
It seems to me that if Dr. Sloth still owns the Virtupets Space Station even
if he was defeated, then that means Lord Darigan must still own the Citadel
too. A whole bunch of possibilities leaps to mind when you own your own floating
Now that a lot of Darigan's ex-minions are migrating to the mainland of Neopia,
so to speak, that means there are a lot of vacant rooms available in the Citadel.
If Dr. Sloth can own the Ski Lodge, there is no reason why Lord Darigan can't
open the Citadel Hotel. Just think how many Neopians would flock to spend time
in a sort of air-cruise-ship with a great view of the world! Lord Darigan really
would be nutty as a fruitcake to pass this one up. He could even conduct official
tours of the dungeons and show the shattered Orb in a lovely display case. The
Neopoints would just roll in for that.
If he feels running a big resort hotel is too big a job to handle just starting
out, he could try something on a smaller scale. Transportation is really sorely
needed in Neopia. There are no cars, buses, airplanes or anything except a few
boats to get people from one island to another. I think Lord Darigan could make
a hefty profit starting up the Citadel Taxi Service. Just think of it, he could
transport thousands of people all at once and just float all over Neopia all
day long. Now that would be a cool way to travel that I would definitely buy
a ticket for.
There must be a zillion things that Darigan could slap his name on and they
would sell faster than Fluffy Faerie Hot Cakes. With the popularity of the new
Darigan Paint Brush, I think Lord Darigan needs to get himself a piece of this
action. That's why I think he should sell a line of foot care products for all
those Neopets who have been painted with the Darigan Paint Brush. He could sell
heavy duty toenail clippers that work like little chainsaws or something. Or
maybe a line of odor-absorbers called "Orber Eaters". There is a wide open market
for door-to-door salesmen in Neopia. He would have to work on his people skills
though. "Buy my stuff or feel my wrath!" might not be a good opening line.
If he doesn't feel he would be suited for door-to-door selling, Lord Darigan
could always open a shop. "The Bad 'N Beautiful Boutique" might be pretty popular.
He could sell tattered black capes and skull masks. I know Count Von Roo would
I think Lord Darigan could make a lot of Neopoints selling something that
everyone in Neopia desperately needs. A real hot-seller would be a mini-Orb
zapper that completely disintegrates the Bits of Barbed Wire, Pieces of Wool,
Rotten Berries, Old Boots and Piles of Dung that you get from the "Pick Your
Of course, if Lord Darigan wants to go with a shady Neopoint making scheme,
seeing how it would suit his personality, he could run a great scam too. He
could sell ten million bogus pieces of the Orb. All he would have to do is convince
everyone that the Orb may be broken but it still has magical powers and he could
just sit back and watch the Neomail orders roll in.
There's an old saying that goes, "Those who can't do, teach." I think there
is a golden opportunity here for Lord Darigan. Think about it. The guy had 5,000
Hit Points and was virtually unstoppable one-on-one in the Battledome. My Lupe
went up against him and I still can't remember what happened because I think
I blinked at the time. Lord Darigan could definitely go on the lecture tour
circuit talking about his Battledome tactics. A good title for his seminar could
be, "How You Got Slaughtered in One Millisecond."
Another popular way to go for has-been celebrities is to write a book. A good
possible self-help manual could be something like, "How To Fly With Holes in
Your Wings," or "Ten Easy Steps to Glow-In-The-Dark Teeth." Of course, he could
also write a biography. A good title for that might be "Never Trust a Cellblock-Playing
Mynci". All he would have to do is declare himself the long-lost father of Jeran
and Lisha and it would be an instant best-seller.
He could even put out an instruction video like "Torturing Yellow Chias For
Fun and Profit." I know my Lupe would buy a copy.
With all the different academies and planned schools for Neopia, Lord Darigan
could open his own little university. It could be a sort of "School For Minions."
I can even see the great courses it could offer:
How To Grovel Effectively
The Importance of Staying Loyal Even if Your Leader is Insane
Mindlessly Marching Into Battle 101
What a Great Rack! How To Keep Your Torture Chamber Tidy
Backstabbing Your Way To the Top
100 Ways To Keep Awake If You Have the Prison Keys
If Dr. Sloth can have games like Toybox Escape, Korbat's Lab, Splat-A-Sloth"
and "Carnival of Terror," I don't see any reason why Lord Darigan shouldn't
be able to market a few games of his own.
Smack the Drackonack: Club the Drackonacks running amok in the Meridell
Petpet Shop. The uglier you make them, the more points you earn. Since it's
almost impossible to make Drackonacks uglier than they already are, this game
is rated "hard".
The Really Grumpy Old Tyrant: This game is similar to "Grumpy Old King,"
except that not only do you have to make Lord Darigan laugh, but if you fail
all of your Neopets are sent to prison for a day and come out "miserable". If
you win, you get a completely shredded Lord Darigan Plushie that your pets will
refuse to play with.
Kiss the Draconian Moehog: One of your Neopets has to kiss the Draconian
Moehog. If he he feels like fighting for Meridell, you get 50 Neopoints. If
he feels like fighting for Darigan, your pet gets zapped with a rare Draconian
disease that the pharmacy hasn't found a cure for yet.
Where the Heck IS Darigan?: This is a contest where the first 100 people
to correctly guess win a prize. All you have to do is pinpoint on the main Neopian
Map exactly where the country of Darigan actually is. The tricky part is that
you have to guess precisely the pixel it is located on. If you win, you get
a replica of the Orb that breaks in half the moment it hits your Item Box.
It seems to me that a lot of celebrities who can no longer work in their chosen
field make a switch to the field of entertainment. Sports stars are famous for
becoming game announcers, for example. I think Lord Darigan could find a lot
of fun things to do in this department. Plus he has the added bonus of remaining
in the spotlight, so to speak.
I can picture Lord Darigan with his own talk show on NTV. All you would have
to do is have a different ex-minion turned traitor such as Master Vex, or a
Meridell hero like Morris show up every week and just sit back and watch the
fur fly... literally. Of course that could also be a professional wrestling
event. Either one works.
I don't know if Lord Darigan can sing, but a lot of rock stars can't either,
so maybe he should start his own band. Of course he might be the only one in
it because no one in their right mind would join his "group", but the on-stage
Orb light show would be great.
Movies are always looking for anyone who can play a convincing bad guy. And
personally I think there is nothing more convincing in a movie than a bad guy
that is REALLY bad.
As you can see, the employment and career choices for Lord Darigan are endless.
All he has to do is follow a few of my suggestions and he can take down that
cardboard sign for good. Because let's face it, there is nothing sadder than
a despondent, deranged, deposed despot with nothing to do.