Making an Unsuccessful Guild by leb388 |  |
Author's Note: This article is dedicated to my good friend hermioneiscool85.
May your
guild never be unsuccessful.
This article is an example of why articles should be read thoroughly, including
any author's notes at the beginning. This article is entirely the reverse of
what you should do when making and maintaining a guild. Hence, do the opposite
of everything here and you're sure to have a great guild. (How else would you
listen to explicit details of guild-ownership if I didn't present them backwards?)
GUILD HEADQUARTERS - Many guilds I see nowadays are totally wrong. They have
an original or seldom-used (yet likeable) theme and nearly a hundred or more
members. They have countless fun activities and numerous giveaways of expensive
and unbuyable items. Who'd want to make a guild like that? There's lots of work
involved.
There is a lot of fun in not being successful if you know how to enjoy unsuccessfulness
wisely. Here's a guide on how to not only make an unsuccessful guild, but also
how to make the best of it.
Make a Theme
The theme of a guild is the single most important decision a potential unsuccessful
guild owner can make. It can mean the difference between blissful unsuccess,
or--the unthinkable--laborious success. Unsuccessful guilds can later drastically
alter the theme, and doing so is a great way to make your guild even more unsuccessful.
(What if you changed your guild's Jhudora theme to an Illusen theme? The guild
would lose a lot of members.) However, you must create a theme when you own
a guild. Most preferable for an unsuccessful guild is to make a guild and then
create a theme, not the other way around.
Also, for an unsuccessful guild, opt for a narrow theme few Neopians would
like. A good idea is to make your guild centered around the worship of the Haiku
Generator. Few Neopians like Mystery Island's generator of haikus, so this
would be a perfect theme. So, find a good theme you like that will attract few
members. Now you're ready for the next step.
Design the Guild
For a perfect guild design, you need a cliché look. When editing your
guild's preferences, make sure the colors are all mismatched and have nothing
to do with your theme. When you're satisfied with that, pick a mascot--a Neopian
character to represent your guild. Make sure that it, also, has nothing to do
with your guild. Many guilds use faeries, well-known game characters and shopkeepers,
villains, or Baby pets, which is a great idea, but they use characters connected
to their themes. If you have a guild about Battledoming, make sure a cute baby
Aisha is visible on the front page. If you have a guild honoring famous or well-known
Neopians, put Chet Flash on the front page. If you have a guild about helping
Neopets, make sure to put the Pant Devil right on the logo.
As for the welcome message (the main page of your guild), clearly misstate
your guild's theme and reason for existence. Make sure to misspell a lot, too.
Also, make sure you have a lot of flashy animations. Those are very eye-catching
and draw attention away from text, which is a must if you want your guild to
be unsuccessful.
Advertise
Once you have a perfect, unsuccessful-to-be look and feel to your guild, you
must now recruit some members. Mentioning your guild to your friends is not
a good way to get members. They have guilds of their own and probably wouldn't
give a thought to switching to yours. Instead, turn to the chat boards. For
the love of asparagus, don't even mention your guild on the Guilds chat board.
All the successful guilds advertise there, because it's a good way to find guildless
Neopians and see what clever advertising tactics other successful guilds are
using. It won't bring members instantly, but it will make your guild known.
I repeat, advertising on the Guilds chat board would only bring success to your
guild.
So, start with a board completely irrelevant to your guild, and remember to
never, ever use your guild's link in a posted ad. (This is just pointless; if
the people viewing your ad don't have time to click on your username and then
hunt through your lookup with clashing font and background colors to click on
your guild's link, how are they ever going to be active members in your guild?)
Next, think up a catchy ad that will be hard to understand, so few viewers
will bother to read it fully. "Hey will u join my guild its reelly kewl and
im the only mebmer so u'll get a counsil spot if u join!" isn't bad, but
"omg my gulid is real kewl & it haz tonz of kewl stuf & liek yea itz da kewlest
giuld aruond u shuold join or elze lol" is much better. Note its brilliant
lack of punctuation, proper spelling and grammar, and the two different spellings
of "guild." The z's instead of s's makes for a cool sound, and the random "lol"
at the end is a creative touch.
Fortunately, a lot of Neopians can't stand this type of "chatspeak" and reason
that if your guild ads contain it, your whole guild is probably brimming with
nonsensical gibberish. (Which, if you've been following these instructions,
it is.) Good for them! Why do you want literate, intelligent people to join
your guild, anyway? If you want an unsuccessful guild, you need members with
no respect for the English language. (Or any other language, for that matter.)
If you get about three members, perfect! Don't try getting any more. Instead,
focus on working more on your unsuccessful guild.
Offer Services
Most unsuccessful guilds have services that don't work. Take, for example,
an Adoption Agency. An Adoption Agency is a service in a guild where members
adopt Neopets from the Pound, paint them and raise their statistics, and allow
other members to adopt them. Done correctly, a popular guild can have one of
these. But most of the time, the Neopet is lost in the transfer of the Pound,
with the giver dissatisfied, the potential receiver upset, and a newbie the
happy owner of an Island pet before he or she quits Neopets the next day.
Thus, an Adoption Agency is a necessity. Have your guild waste as much money
as possible on this service, for it will, in its turn, draw people away from
your guild and effectively make it unsuccessful.
Also, make a frustratingly limited pharmacy. A guild pharmacy is where members
receive free healing potions and disease cures for their sick or low-hit-point
Neopets. But most members quickly realize that low hit points can be raised
to their original number and diseases can be cured after visiting Healing
Springs, in Faerieland, every half-hour for free. So a pharmacy is really
pointless and expensive. Since you want your unsuccessful guild to lose a lot
of money, but not all of it, you can make a rule: users can only get a free
healing item once every two months. That's a smart move on your part, because
it will keep your guild unsuccessful and active-member-free.
The giving of Newbie Packs can be another service. Newbie Packs are items given
to new members of Neopets. Likewise, in guilds these are gifts of items--usually
a food item, toy, Codestone/Dubloon and faerie--given to new members. Most successful
guilds are smart and set a limit, such as two weeks, before a new member can
receive a pack. If the member applies for a pack after two weeks, this means
they will likely be an active member.
But for an unsuccessful guild, send each new member a pack (One by one through
the "Send to Neofriend" part of an item's options when you click on it; don't
use the Trading Post--this confirms their activeness and will ruin your guild's
unsuccessfulness.), without even Neomailing them, the second they join. Most
likely, they will either leave or be inactive, and you'll have lost NP. Good
for you! You're getting the hang of this unsuccessful-guild ownership.
Be Non-existent
That is, to your guild. Make sure you rarely show up at your guild. Spending
time on your guild may cause it to be successful, something you don't ever want.
So, make sure you often don't even look at your guild for a month or more.
And, while you're away, make sure no members have any administrative powers
(like the ability to delete messageboard posts), so your entire guild becomes
chaotic and wild. Luckily for you, however, you've probably got the art of unsuccessfulness
down to a science, and you don't have any more than four members, including
yourself.
Remember to never, ever give your NP to the guild. Tell your members (after
you've spent a record 53 days away from your guild and peek at it to see if
it still exists) that if they want services and giveaway prizes, they'll have
to earn the NP themselves. You want to be your guild members' equal, not their
superior.
Revel in Inflated Self-Glory
Finally, bask in the joy of being unsuccessful. Hey, this isn't so bad,
you think. I'm a guild leader, and I don't have to do any work! Give
yourself a pat on the back. With almost no effort, you've created the perfect
unsuccessful guild.
If you read up to here, don't worry about your guild being unsuccessful.
I'm sure it will do great. Seriously. (I could be plugging my guild here, but
I'm not. Therefore, you can be assured of my honesty. I think.)
If you have any questions or comments, Neomail
me. May your days be filled with Crown Roast Beef, and this is leb388, signing
off.
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