Super Chaos! by bluescorchio104 |  |
Untitled Document
"Hey, Bluey, wake up!" said Bluefire104, a.k.a Bluefire,
tapping me on the shoulder. I merely rolled onto my side, snuggling deeper into
the blanket. I murmured softly in my sleep "No, don't wanna be a blue whale,
don't wanna, ya can't make me…"
Bluefire, resigned to my medical condition known
as sleep-like-a-log disease (also known as laziness and aversion-to-waking-up-early
disorder), picked up the closest thing to him and poked me with it. Unfortunately
that 'thing' happened to be a Lost Desert dagger. I sat straight up, and would
have leapt straight up into the air, with a huge "YOW!". But I didn't, because,
alas, I am not a cartoon character. But I was in pain all the same, and glared
at the blue Scorchio, rubbing my arm.
"You didn't have to poke me like that, you know.
You could have just lightly poked me with that horn of yours," I said, annoyed
that my sleep had been interrupted and pointing at the horn on Bluefire's head.
Bluefire shrugged, and tossed the Lost Desert
dagger back onto the wooden drawer next to my bed. "It's not my fault you're
such a-"
"It's not your fault that I'm such a fat lazy
human. I know, I know, I know."
"Actually, I was just going to say that's it's
not my fault you're such a deep sleeper."
"Whatever. Same difference." I sat up sleepily,
slid my feet into some fluffy Cybunny slippers (made of 100% fake Cybunny fur)
and stood up, wobbling a little. I grasped at Bluefire's shoulder for support
and regained my balance. I was really grateful that I had a Neopet like Bluefire
for help. He was really helpful most of the time. Suddenly, Bluefire stepped
towards the door, making for the kitchen, and caught by surprise, I slipped
and fell. And sometimes, I thought to myself, he wasn't so helpful. Once I had
got back on my feet, I walked to the kitchen, where I sat down at the dining
table and poured myself a bowl of wheat flakes. Bluefire was hungrily devouring
a banana. Or by the looks of the several banana skins strewn across the table,
several bananas. Chaotic_Paradox, Chaos for short, was busy munching on some
toast, which was topped by a delightful load of slop. I looked closer at the
blue Zafara's breakfast, and realized it was actually a mixture of Musho Mushy
Peas and Baked Beans that was atop the toast. I recoiled in disgust, and turned
back to my nice, not disgusting, perfectly normal wheat flakes. After breakfast
was over, Chaos ran straight up to his bedroom, and promptly locked himself
in, using his home-made, incredible effective, indestructible lock. Which happened
to consist of several bits of furniture shoved in front of the door. I heard
the door slam, and looked quizzically at Bluefire. He shrugged, and moved closer
to me. He held a cupped paw up to his mouth, beckoned me closer, and whispered,
"Have you noticed anything strange about Chaos?"
"Not really," I replied. "Only that he locked
himself in his room just then."
"Well, that's been going on for a few days now,"
Bluefire whispered. "He's been acting a bit strange. Like yesterday, I heard
him muttering to himself and sneaking around the Neohome, looking extremely
secretive."
"Is that so?" I said, wondering what was going
on. "I'll go check it out."
I walked up the stairs to Chaos' room, and knocked
on it politely. "Chaos, I'd like to see you for a minute please."
A muffled response came from behind the door.
"Uh, I can't. I've got a mysterious, contagious tropical disease."
"Like what?"
"Uh, I think it's called, uh, tropomysteriocontagio
disease. Yeah, that's right."
"Chaos, have you ever realized how much of a
bad liar you are?" I asked.
"Well, when I told you I didn't break the Cookie
Jar last week you believed me."
"YOU BROKE THE COOKIE JAR!?!?!"
"Uh, we'd better get back to the subject at
hand. And the answer is no."
I sighed and walked back down the stairs. "You
try and talk some sense to him." I said to Bluefire, sitting down on a Tiger
Couch. Bluefire reluctantly got up and went upstairs, only to return a few minutes
later with the remains of a rotten Tomato all over his face.
"I can tell that didn't go to well," I commented.
"Really? I didn't notice," said Bluefire sarcastically,
and stomped off to have a shower.
"Neopets these days," I mused to myself. "Crazy,
the whole lot of them. Must have had their minds taken over by Dr. Sloth," I
chuckled to myself at the notion.
A blue Zafara, with what seemed to be a polka-dotted
pair of boxer shorts over his head, with eyeholes cut out of them, poked his
head around the corner. "Did someone mention Sloth?"
"I shall personally tale care of the scum!"
shouted the Zafara, who looked suspiciously like Chaos, and stepped into full
view, and I could see that he wore a cape, which looked surprisingly similar
to an old blanket, apart from the fact it had a cardboard picture of a pineapple
clumsily pasted onto it. "Heeeyaa!" he screamed, and leapt into the room, almost
falling over in the process. "Never fear, for Super Ultra Mega Magnificent Awesome
Pineapple Guy is here! Faster than Albert Einstein, smarter than a speeding
bullet, able to jump into large puddles in a single bound! The superest of all
superheroes, the ultraest of all ultraheroes, it's the amazing Super Ultra Mega
Magnificent Awesome Pineapple Guy!!!"
"Superest?" I enquired, raising an eyebrow.
"Ultraest? Ultraheroes?" Are those even real words?"
"Too many questions, citizen! Just show me the
evil Sloth, and I shall pound him to a pulp, or at least a very, very, very,
very fine dust, in event of lack of moisture!!!"
"Actually," I began, "Sloth isn't her-"
Just then, Bluefire poked his head into the
room, with a puzzled expression on his face. "Hey, what's Chaos doing dressed-"
"Who is this Chaos?" said Super Ultra Magnificent
Mega Awesome Pineapple Guy. "I've never heard of him, but I assume he is a great,
strong, courageous-"
"Be quiet," interrupted Bluefire.
"Quiet? I am the great Super Ultra Mega Magnificent
Awesome Pineapple Guy!!! Only one who is truly evil would dare talk to me without
adoration in their heart, admiration in their soul, and generosity in their
wallet! Die, unscrupulous villain!"
Super Ultra Mega Magnificent Awesome Pineapple
Guy, or as SUMMAP Guy, as I will call him, (pronounced like you would say Some
Map) leapt upon Bluefire screaming a war cry. He missed, but jumped up again,
and jumped onto Bluefire's back. Well, tried to jump onto Bluefire's back. Bluefire
promptly swung his tail around, and thudded it into SUMMAP Guy's stomach. The
blow visibly winded him, and he fell to the ground, gasping for breath. He crawled
away, saying, "I hope you learned your lesson, villain. I went easy on you today!
Next time you shall feel the long arm of the law!"
Bluefire shot me a puzzled look, and I shrugged.
***
Meanwhile, in Chaos' room, he was plotting his next move to capture the supposedly
"evil villain". He paced in circles, and came up with an idea.
"I know! I didn't have backup, that's why I
didn't manage to beat him. Apart from the fact the evil villain plays dirty."
Chaos paced a little faster. "Now where am I going to get a decent sidekick
on such short notice?" He stopped pacing, and a light bulb appeared, hovering
over Chaos' head. Well, not literally. But you get the idea. Pardon the pun.
Chaos' gaze fell upon his Bearog, Pook. He had found his new sidekick.
***
Midday came, and SUMMAP Guy had yet to put in a second appearance. Bluefire
and I were peacefully eating a lunch consisting of omelet, berries and a Cheeseburger
each, when Chaos, er, I mean, SUMMAP Guy appeared.
"I've warned you before, villain! You must stop
terrorizing this peaceful community at once! I command you to stop stealing
this poor Neopian's precious food supplies!"
Bluefire just looked up in surprise, saw it
was only SUMMAP Guy, and began eating his lunch again.
"You asked for it, evil villain!" SUMMAP Guy
pounced, arms outstretched. He wrapped his arms around Bluefire's neck, and
then discovered just how painful it was to have a Scorchio's back spikes dig
into your belly. He dropped off in hurry, and backed away. "That's not the end
of this yet, evil villain! Get him, Super Ultra Mega Bearog!" Pook, I mean,
Super Ultra Mega Bearog, leapt at Bluefire's face, and started licking him.
Bluefire squirmed, trying not to giggle. "Hey,
that tickles!"
SUMMAP Guy sighed, grabbed Super Ultra Mega
Bearog by the scruff of his neck, and stormed off, yelling over his shoulder,
"You may have won the battle, but you haven't won the war, evil villain! Consider
this as a second warning!"
That night, when Bluefire and I were having
a nice game of Armada, SUMMAP Guy jumped out from behind the couch, and stood
in front of Bluefire, shouting at the top of the lungs, "This is the last time,
villain. Now I shall defeat you in-"
"Uh, can you stop calling me evil villain?"
interrupted Bluefire. "If you and Super Ultra Mega Bearog have fancy names,
I would like one too. How about-"
"Fine, villain. I shall refer to your unworthy,
filthy mangy self as Mr. Poopy Pants!"
"MR POOPY PANTS?" Bluefire looked as though
his eyes would fall out of his head. "What kind of name is that?"
"One to suit you ignoble, shameless self. Prepare
to meet your doom!" SUMMAP Guy charged forward, intent on tackling Bluefire,
or at least head butting him in the stomach. Bluefire just sighed, turned 180
degrees, and SUMMAP Guy once again found out how painful a Scorchio's back spikes
can be. And once again, he limped off, vowing to be back.
***
And so it continued for two weeks, every day SUMMAP Guy attempting to defeat
Mr Poopy Pants, er, I mean, Bluefire, each and every time more outrageous, more
loony, and more bizarre. Once he even tried to defeat Bluefire by throwing a
pineapple at him. Bluefire merely swallowed it whole. Until one day I figured
out a solution to this mess.
"Bluefire," I began, "How about letting Chaos,
uh, I mean SUMMAP Guy, win for once?"
"What?" said Bluefire, looking if he had just
seen a giant flying pineapple. "Why would I do that? If I keep on winning, maybe
he'll give up one day. I can't lose!"
"Yeah, but think about it. In the movies, once
the villain is vanquished, end of story, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," said Bluefire slowly,
not yet catching on to my plan.
"Well, if you let him win, he'll stop trying
to beat you, right? And he'll have no more villains to defeat. Meaning that-"
"-he'll leave us alone!" finished off Bluefire
happily. "Let's do it!"
We sneaked to Bluefire's room, making sure SUMAP
Guy wasn't about. Once inside, Bluefire locked the door using a deadbolt, and
we started on his costume. It took a long time, as well as all the creativity
we could possibly put into it. Not to mention more than one improvisation. Bluefire
was decked out in his costume, and ready to go. He wore two old ripped Chia
plushies on his head, with stuffing removed and stitched together. One of the
plushies was pulled over his snout, and the other pulled over his head. Of course,
there were jagged holes to make adequate room for his horns, as well as so he
could see and breathe properly. His cape was an old forest cloak, with bits
of aluminum foil glued to it here and there. In big brown letters, the letters
PP were painted onto the cloak. And Bluefire also wore a big, baggy pair of
shorts, which he explained would be his "Poopy Pants of Doom". And as a final
touch, he wore a pair of mutant gauntlets, to give him that touch of evil.
We quickly set up the lounge room, in which
Bluefire tied me to a chair. I began yelling, "Oh no! The evil Mr Poopy Pants
has captured me! It's time like these I would really appreciate the help of
a certain blue Zafara named Super Ultra Mega Magnificent Awesome Guy, who happens
to have an particular assistant name Super Ultra Mega Bearog!" True, I didn't
sound exactly convincing. More like I was reading it off a sheet of paper. But
it did the trick. SUMMAP Guy came sprinting through the open door way, saying
in a false hero voice, "Do I hear some helpless victims calling for a much-needed
rescue?"
"Of course you do, you big lump of a Zafara.
Who else do you think I was calling?" I retorted, forgetting that I was supposed
to stick to my lines.
SUMMAP Guy, however, seemed to ignore that remark,
and launched into action. "I'll defeat you this time, evil Mr Poopy Pants!"
With some difficulty, he climbed a bookcase, and jumped down onto Bluefire,
missing by a metre or two. Bluefire looked pleadingly at me. "How am I supposed
to lose if he can't even manage to hit me?" he hissed. I just shrugged my shoulders,
and SUMMAP Guy picked himself off the floor. He delivered a punch straight to
Bluefire's jaw, and missed yet again, the momentum making him stumble. Not to
be put off, he kicked Bluefire in the shin. Bluefire, pretending to be hurt,
hopped around on one foot, making false cries of pain. He fell over, and stayed
there. From my position, I could tell that he was trying not to laugh.
"Is this some sort of trick?" asked SUMMAP Guy
suspiciously. "Although I am unbelievably strong, I at least expected the puny,
weak forces of evil to put more of a fight."
Bluefire was grinding his teeth by this point, resisting the urge to get up
and sock SUMMAP Guy in the jaw. "Uh, on, this is no trick." I said hastily.
"You must have defeated the evil Mr Poopy Pants with your, um, uh, psychic powers!"
"Psychic powers?" said Chaos, dumbfounded. "I
have psychic powers?"
"Of course you do. It's just that, um, you're
so powerful that you didn't realize you were, um, using them subconsciously,
that's all. Yeah, that's right," I quickly explained.
SUMMAP Guy nodded his head, pretending to understand.
"Oh, those psychic powers. Yeah, I knew about them all along. I would have used
them sooner, uh, but I wanted to give this villain a fighting chance. Yeah,
that's it exactly. Super Ultra Mega Magnificent Awesome Guy has beaten his foe
once again with relative ease! The forces of good and justice and good prevail,
once again!"
I nodded my head. "Uh, can you untie me now?"
SUMMAP Guy stopped his posturing for a moment
and sheepishly walked over and started untying me. I waited for about ten minutes,
and SUMMAP Guy still wasn't finished. To my horror, I looked over my shoulder
and realized SUMMAP Guy had in fact somehow turned the simple granny knot Bluefire
had tied into a tangle of endless loops and knots. SUMMAP Guy kept on working
on the knots, tongue sticking out of one side of his mouth in concentration.
"Uh, SUMMAP Guy? You do realize you're making
the knot worse, right?"
"No I'm not. I'm nearly finished."
SUMMAP Guy stopped working and whacked the knot
in frustration. Slowly, the chair I was tied to tilted forwards, and suddenly
tipped over. Unfortunately, my head took most of the impact. "You know, SUMMAP
Guy, you are the worst superhero I've ever met!" I yelled in frustration.
"Hmm. You're right," said SUMMAP Guy thoughtfully.
"I know! If I can't use my superpowers for good, I'll use for evil! Now I'll
become Super Ultra Mega Magnificent Awesome Guy, evil villain extraordinaire!
Muheeheeheehee!!!"
"Muheeheeheehee? What kind of evil laugh is
that?" I asked from uncomfortable position on the floor.
"Well, I think that only the big-name villains
are allowed to go "Muhahahahaha!". Newbies at the evil villain business like
me are only allowed to go "Muheeheeheeheehee!"
"Well, I suppose that does kind of make a twisted
kind of sense."
Behind Chaos, Bluefire got up silently. He crept
up behind SUMMAP guy, and yelled right in his ear. SUMMAP Guy jumped about two
feet into the air, but when he saw it was Mr Poopy Pants, he snorted in a superior
way. "Take this, you weakling!" he shouted, and placed his paws on his temples.
"Take this psychic blast!!!" But, of course, nothing happened. SUMMAP Guy looked
a little surprised. "I wonder why my psychic blast isn't w-"
And that was when Bluefire interrupted, whacking
SUMMAP Guy smack-bang on the head with a very large frying pan.
The End
*Author's note: because of this, uh, intervention by Bluefire, Chaos was
knocked unconscious for several hours, and for that short time at least, we
lived happily ever after.
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