Neopia's Most Terrifying Neopet
NEOPIA CENTRAL - I don't know about the rest of you, but there is one Neopet
in Neopia that scares the living daylights out of me. Just the name makes me
tremble in terror. I'm not saying I dislike this Neopet. I'm saying that this
is one scary Neopet. Okay, give me a moment to take a deep breath... it's...
Okay, you can stop snickering now. I'm serious. I can PROVE that the Chia
is the most sinister of all Neopets. Oh, and before every Chia owner in Neopia
starts Neomailing me to say, "That's a horrible lie! My snookyookums37802neo56
is not like that!", I am not referring to YOUR Chia. I mean all the OTHER Chias.
I said I can back up my statement with facts, so here are the facts. There
are more Chia Battledome challengers than any other kind of Neopet. Check out
the list: Jelly Chia, Mutated Chia, Chiazilla, Cave Chia, Highland Chia, Chia
Clown and Kasuki Lu. If Chias aren't so terrifying, why are all these guys in
the Battledome? If Chias aren't SUPPOSED to be terrifying, why are there so
many bad guy Chias?
I checked the Battledome challenger list just to be fair. There are only two
Lupes on that list and they're actually pretty nice, as far as Battledome villains
go. Take the Ghost Lupe for example. Every time the Ghost Lupe shows up as a
random event he growls and all my Neopets are healed back to maximum hit points.
Not exactly an unwelcome visitor, if you ask me. "Balthazar!" you scream loudly
and now I have a ringing in my ears, "Balthazar is nasty and mean!" Ummm...
actually... no. Balthazar tosses 100 bottled faeries at a time on the Money
Tree. A lot of poor Neopians have stronger pets with abilities now thanks to
Balthazar. When was the last time Chiazilla did THAT? I'm not saying Lupes are
perfect, but I'm beginning to see why they dislike Chias so much--except as
a Meaty Lupe Treat.
And if all those Chia Battledome challengers weren't scary enough, consider
the most frightening Battledome weapon of all--CHIA FLOUR! For those of you
who don't know what that is, it's a weapon that, if used against you in the
Battledome, turns your Neopet into a YELLOW CHIA! Oh, the horror! Okay, I know
Chia Flour has been sort of retired from the Hidden Tower. But that doesn't
mean it's gone. Chia Flour is still lurking out there somewhere, sitting quietly
in someone's safety deposit box waiting for just the right moment to be equipped
to someone's pet for use in the Battledome. Makes you think, doesn't it?
Okay, let's say we forget about all those killer Chia brutes in the Battledome
for a minute. Let's pretend there aren't ANY Chias running around in the Battledome
whipping the pants off your pets. That still leaves all the OTHER horrible or
scary or law-breaking Chias that live in Neopia. "Oh yeah? Like who?" you may
ask. Well, here's a list of famous, or should I say infamous, Neopian Chias
that you can find in the Neopedia or the Gallery of Evil:
Hubrid Nox: "This evil, nefarious, scheming Chia makes his home atop a
desolate mountain in the Haunted Woods. He lives alone, as he prefers his devilish
plans not to be interrupted. Whether its conquering just one city, or the whole
of Neopia, whether he uses ghosts, aliens, zombies or mutants - Hubrid has an
evil plan for every day of the week."
This is a direct quote from the Gallery of Evil. Note the words "evil" and
"Chia" in the same sentence.
Adee the Chia: Aww, sweet little ice cream factory gal, right? Wrong! This
is what the Neopedia has to say about this criminal:
Occupation : Ice
cream swindler and stomach ache specialist
Hobby : Raiding the
local Ice Cream Factory
caught red handed for raiding the local
Ice Cream Factory,
Adee the Chia was finally dragged
down to the Chia
Police Station. But, of course, this was
nothing new for
The last time I looked, stealing was a crime. This Chia sounds like a real
bad apple to me. (No pun intended). Not only that, but if there weren't so many
lawbreaking Chias, why is there a CHIA Police Station?
Nigel the Chia: If you think a stockbroker isn't a bad guy, check out this
quote from the Neopedia: "I realised that the price-to-earnings ratios were
so out of whack, that only an idiot would think that those stocks could make
any more money. So basically I sold, made a few million NPs, and laughed all
the way to the bank." When asked what he sees as the future of the Neodaq, Nigel
brazenly responds, "Hey, do you really think that I work twenty hours a day
so I can go and tell you what I know for free? Do your homework, figure it out
for yourself... or pay me to do it for you!"
Nigel has millions and still wants you to pay him for advice? Even if his
advice sends you headlong into bankruptcy? This guy scares me more than Dr.
Sloth! And speaking of Dr. Sloth...
"Dr. Frank Sloth is a brilliant, insane evil scientist hell-bent on the
total destruction of Neopets and Neopia."
This is another direct quote from the Gallery of Evil. Okay, maybe no one
knows exactly what kind of a Neopet Dr. Sloth is, but my Neopoints are on "Chia".
Take a look at his picture in the Gallery of Evil. Note the shape of his head
and that familiar tuft of scraggly hair at the top. Definitely not a mutated
And since we're on the subject of Dr. Sloth and mutants, it looks to me like
Chias are naturally prone to mutating without any help from Dr. Sloth. All a
Chia has to do is eat a certain kind of Chia Pop and BANG! Instant mutant! Check
out the list of mutations that require NO Chia Transmogrification Potions: Apple
Chia, Aubergine Chia, Avocado Chia, Blueberry Chia, Chokato Chia, Gooseberry
Chia, Lemon Chia, Lime Chia, Peach Chia, Pear Chia, Pineapple Chia, Plum Chia
and Tomato Chia.
Okay, maybe it sounds more like a fruit basket than a list of mutants, but
can any OTHER Neopet change into something else by just eating something? No,
only the Chia can morph so easily into something else. And the more I look at
Dr. Sloth, the more he looks like an Avocado Chia. Now THAT'S spooky!
I am POSITIVE the sweet little Chia you have for a Neopet is the exception
to the rule. I'm not saying ALL Chias are bad. I just think that there are enough
evil Chias roaming Neopia to be a cause for alarm. November 14th is the anniversary
of the day the first Chia was born. I don't know where YOU will be that day,
but I know where I will be. I'll be cowering in a corner of my NeoHome, trembling
with fear. After all, who knows what will happen that day. For all I know, the
Chias will be out in the streets of Neopia celebrating the return of of their
favourite Avocado Chia, Dr. Sloth. Scary thought, huh?