TERROR MOUNTAIN - Okay, so everyone who's been inside Faerie City knows who
the Library
Faerie is, people visit the Gelert
Doctor from time to time. But while I was reading an interesting Neopedia
article, Frozen
with Fear, I stumbled onto a very interesting bounty hunter Lupe.
No, not Balthazar! It was Tarquin, the Lupe called to save Terror Mountain from
imminent doom, and later betrayed the villagers and ran away in fear (typical).
So, I found the first coward for the last installment of What About, for the
time being. So, before I start up my interview with Tarquin, please read Frozen
with Fear, as it will provide some background onto what I'm talking about. And
also, if you read some of my past work, like New
World Expectations, you should know Lupes and I get along as well as
oil and water. And this article is going to get me half a full inbox of Flame
Mail from Lupe lovers.
So, anyway, when I decided to look for Tarquin, I would of started where any
good Neopian Times journalist would: Near Terror Mountain. But knowing me, the
sort of person who looks for gold in newly discovered worlds and whatnot, I
looked in Tyrannia, a world bordering Terror Mountain... found this, found that,
got almost nothing until I a Lenny directed me to the location of Tarquin.
I entered Tarquin's hiding place, which he told me to describe almost nothing
about so no one would be able to find him. As a entered the hiding place, a
sweet smell of freshly baked Choco-Strawberry Muffins filled the room.
(Now I go onto the super-famous interview-style of writing)
epk: Yo! Is a Lupe by the name of Tarquin here?
Tarquin: Keep it down!!! Who are you, how'd you get here, and what
is this between your teeth?
epk: I'm epk, Aisha Avenue's Lupe-Hater and Neopian Times writer. A
Lenny directed me to this place, and for your third question, it's Purple Spotted
Cheese. (Man that Cheeseroller game is fun!)
Tarquin: Lupe-hater? What is a guy like you doing here, interviewing
a semi-retired Bounty Hunter and novice chef?
epk: I'm here on assignment... yeah... I had no choice... the people
made me do it... yeah... that's the story. Uh-huh... yeah... that's it.
Tarquin: You wanted to make fun of Lupes, didn't you?
epk: Yup.
Tarquin: Very well. If I grant a interview, you won't reveal my hiding
spot?
epk: Sure. Let me begin: I was directed here by a Lenny. How did a
Lenny know where you live your cowardly days?
Tarquin: As I was running away from the monster of Frosty Mountain,
or now called Terror Mountain, a Lenny villager saw me running away. He asked
me if I defeated the beast, I told him no and I needed to run away, and he told
me of a good hiding spot. From then on out, the Lenny drops by and gives me
some food, a copy of that week's Neopian Times, and a toy or two. The Lenny
is a kind-hearted soul. He told me he'll only tell people he trusts won't tell
anyone else my hiding spot. He must of trusted you. I mean, if the Frosty Mountain
villagers, past or present, found out my location, man will I be in trouble.
epk: Doesn't sound like much fun. So, what type of bounty did you hunt
before the Frosty Mountain job?
Tarquin: Actually, Balthazar was bored and taught me how to hunt Faeries.
I didn't have the guts to capture the cute little things, but Balthazar threatened
to whip me if I didn't try. So I ran away from him... my first sign of being
a coward.
It was about a week later I opened up Tarquin's Bounty Hunting Shop in the
Ice Caves. My brother, Garon, supported me and my business by venturing into
the deeper part of the Ice Caves and looking for some gold and riches.
I had all sorts of jobs, you know, trying to trap some of Sloth's evil creations
in cages so some of the top Neopian Scientists could study them. I also defeated
many Ice Beasts, you know, those hairy white things in Grundo's Snowthrow? I
did some big jobs, some little, all for profit. In fact, I made between 50,000
NP - 5,000,000 NP per captured creature.
It was when business was going a bit slow the best on Frosty Mountain appeared.
Yes, I was addicted to the Scratchcard Kiosk... and when the Snow Faerie came
with all these snowberries to get me to do the job, I couldn't help but take
the offer.
epk: Impressive... for a Lupe. Then again, you did take the job, hunt
out the monster, and it chased you and you ran away, leaving the villagers on
Frosty Mountain helpless. And all those snowberries?
Tarquin: I still have them. After all these years, I still have them.
The chemical that makes them cold also makes them well preserved.
epk: Uh-huh. Your coat of fur, or skin, or whatever... is a bunch of
ice diamonds, and considering the angle I'm currently looking at you, are you
transparent or solid? Tarquin: I think transparent looks cooler, but solid is
nice too. The art team hasn't sketched me in a way for me to know if I'm transparent
or not.
epk: Impressive however: That would make an excellent paint brush.
Too bad Lupes got it first... erm... good thing Lupes got it first. (I put Lupes
and and good in the same sentence? Someone call the doctor!) Would you consider
being a One-Player Battledome Challenger anytime soon?
Tarquin: The people at Terror Mountain want a whack at me, so I'd be
careful entering the One-Player Battledome. Actually, I ran away before the
entire Battledome Grand Opening, all my info is given to me through the Neopian
Times and the Lenny.
epk: Did you hear about the Ski Lodge built around your place that
got deserted by Powlex after they heard about your misfortune?
Tarquin: Yah... I really wanted Mister Shankley to win... I followed
The Neopian Times briefings.
epk: It's Shankly without an e.
Tarquin: With an e!
epk: No e!
*during the next five minutes Tarquin and I got into a big spelling fight*
epk: Well, anyway, besides not knowing how to spell and not going for
Number Six (how much did he pay me to say that again?) what else do you do?
Tarquin: I cook. You want a Choco-Strawberry Muffin?
epk: *ponders over Lupe-created snacks* Erm... sure... hey! Not bad...
for a Lupe that is. Okay, not bad for any Neopet! Can you make Banana Rolls
and Gwontek Melon Pies?
Tarquin: In a jiffy.
epk: It's official, your Neopia's first good Lupe with an IQ over 2.
(Note to Lupe Owners: I don't care what it says your Lupe has for an IQ, it's
probably a glitch)
Tarquin: I'll also make them little smiley faces!
epk: Would you? Pretty please? I love those smiley... erm... uh...
go ahead with the smiley faces. You can always make them worth more.
Tarquin: Oh! The oven! My Ergyberry PowerBars are almost done. Maybe
I'll open up shop... just after I get a name change.
epk: And clothes... the colour kinda gives it away. Well, go tend to
your delicious snacks, be sure to have the Lenny send a few to me every once
and a while. Back at epk's NeoHome
egold: A Lupe can cook? That's almost impossible! It's a 1 in a 10
million shot!
spacegold: I can't cook.
splashgold: Of course not! Your a lab pet - not a chef.
*Fire Alarm beeping*
All three: WHO DID THAT?
epk: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Double-Dipped Funnydew Scented Starwberry-Choco
Muffins are toasted!
Well, to conclude my article, let the sleeping Gelert lie, let Neopia's only
good Lupe cook. Tarquin isn't bad... just cowardly.
This ends the What About: series, I'm planning on doing another series called
Doctor splashgold: involving my smartest Neopet talking about a few things...
but I may just do some more general pieces. If my inbox isn't full of Lupe Owner
Flames, please Neomail me on what you think I should do for the next few weeks.
Bye in six different languages in next time.
Disclaimer: First off, I do not own a Chia, I have plenty of other reasons
for disliking Lupes. Second, some of the above was fake, just included to make
the article more fun to read. Stuff like Tarquin being a cook, there being a
Lenny that helped him... etc. But don't be surprised the next time you hear
a legendary howl, it's Tarquin, coming back for revenge. | 
