The Only 10-Step Guide to Becoming Poor You’ll Ever Need… or Want… by laurenzoren |  |
NEOPIAN BANK - If you are anything like me, you are absolutely SICK of having
Neopoints. I mean, everywhere I go it's Neopoints this and Neopoints that -- I
can't even walk my pet rock anymore without hearing people haggling in the streets.
Just yesterday I was on a walk with the little guy and I heard two Lennies arguing
about the price of one little ummagine:
"Okay, how about 10 Neopoints then, my fine feathered friend?"
"WHAT? Are you crazy?? I could get one of these things for 2 on the shop
wizard!"
"Alright, fine -- I will compromise at 8, you rotten berry of a neopet!"
"Okay, 5, and that's my final offer, and you smell like dung!"
"Fine, I'll go as low as… hey wait, how is that pet rock walking??"
But I digress. The fact of the matter is, these Lennies were arguing at length
over a matter of three Neopoints -- almost nothing in the grand scheme of things!
But as "Become a Millionaire Overnight" guilds are forming faster than the grass
grows in Illusen's Glade and at least one new Neopian Times article appears
each week offering helpful advice on everything from the stock market to restocking,
it is easy to become caught up in the great Neopoint frenzy that has been creeping
over Neopia for the past four years. And it is small wonder -- after all, we
live in a survival-of-the-richest neoworld, where only those Neopets with "Ultimate
Riches" bank accounts, the Number Six avatar, and at least ten hidden tower
items in their Safety Deposit Boxes can fall asleep each night without worrying
about how they will afford that Darigan Paintbrush they need in order to make
their pet look stylish for next week's beauty contest! And the cycle never ends
-- once you buy the paintbrush, you simply must have a Faerie queen doll, and
then Jhudora's ring, and then… well, I think you know where I'm going with this.
Personally, I have spent many a long day browsing the "Newest 20" listing
on the trading post in search of good deals, playing those ever-popular high
payout games, refreshing in the Faerie petpet shop, and repeatedly typing "codestone"
into the shop Wiz hoping that "Vo Codestone - 200 NP" will pop up. And to be
honest, I am tired of living in relentless pursuit of Neopoints! After all,
aren't we just here to make some Neofriends, send a lil' Neomail, read the classy
articles in The Neopian Times, kick back, and relax? Call me crazy; call me
insane; even call me crazy -- yes, I know I already said that -- but I think
it's time to lay off the Neopoints and start living the GOOD life -- Neopoint
free.
Of course, this will not be an easy transition for many people. Personally,
I'm so excited to get started that I can barely lift my Mika and Carassa mug
full of steaming Borovan off my hewn stone desk without spilling it all over
the place, but I can understand that you may not feel the same way. But let's
face it -- Neopoints are way, WAY overrated, and without them, everyone's lives
would be much simpler. And I might actually get some homework done sometimes.
But I digress once again! As I was saying, this evolution will not be an easy
one for most of you Neopoint-hungry Neopians out there. But if I didn't have
just the solution for you, do you think I would be writing this article? Of
course not!
"But Laurenzoren," you ask, "what am I going to do with my millions upon millions
of Neopoints? I am just so rich; how will I ever be able to get rid of them
all?"
Stop worrying, eager reader -- I've taken care of that! All YOU have to do
is follow the steps that I have carefully laid out in following guide, which
I have entitled, "Laurenzoren's 10-Step Plan to Becoming Poor and Leading the
Good Life!" And the best part is, all you have to do is follow along -- and
don't worry, I'll be with you every step of the way -- and before you know it
you will never have to worry about Neopoints again!!
Now, WHO'S WITH ME???
STEP ONE: Change your attitude!
…yes, that means you! I know you really, really, really want to someday cram
every single pile of dung that exists in Neopia into your tiny little Safety
Deposit box, but you know as well as I do that that is ridiculous! Come on,
you know it's true -- craving Neopoints only worsens the problem. I mean, face
it -- you'll never be the richest person in Neopia, so you might as well be
the happiest! Yes, that's right -- you CAN be happy, and there is a better life
out there! So let's not waste any more time before moving on to step 2…
STEP TWO: Donate everything you own
Ahh! Stop screaming! We're taking baby steps, okay? You just have to trust
me here. Now let's go -- clear out that safety deposit box! Now go to your shop
page -- everything must go! Okay, take a moment to recover from that, and then
put on your Step out Shoes because it's time to travel a little bit -- we're
going to journey all the way over to your Neohome! Just open the door, turn
on those chandeliers, disarm that electro-secure alarm, and take EVERYTHING
out -- easy as that. And while we're at it, we may as well clear out those trading
cards, because those are really quite useless anyway… and as long as we're doing
that, it's pretty much impossible to get those stamp avatars, so better clear
that album out too. Okay, now calm yourself and take a slow, deep breath, because
we have arrived at the most satisfying part -- and I think you know what I'm
talking about -- yes that's right, donating! Now make sure you're sitting down
for this one, because it may be a little traumatic. First we will need to go
to "quick stock" and check off "donate" next to every single item. Still alive?
Now breathe deeply, relax those tight muscles, close your eyes, and -- here
we go -- hit "submit." (Dramatic Pause).
Okay, well, dozens of avaricious little Neopians with ridiculously fast Internet
connections are now thanking you because they have just become instantly wealthy
from your efforts. But remember -- in the end, YOU will be the happy one! Just
keep reminding yourself -- happiness does not equal affluence. Like they say:
it's what's on the inside that counts! Now don't you feel good?
STEP THREE: Sell all your stocks
You don't have any stocks, you say? All the better! But if you're anything
like me, your portfolio is probably bursting at the seams, and at the right-hand
side of every row is probably a very large negative percentage glaring at you
in dark red. I say, enough! Selling stocks is simple -- just click that little
"sell" link at the top of the page and voila -- selling power is at your fingertips.
Yes I know, just a few more days and NAKR will finally be worth the 106 NP you
paid for it (not that I'm bitter or anything), but we don't have a few more
days! Everything must go! Now see, now didn't that feel good?
STEP FOUR: Let the games begin… or end, rather
This is a crucial step, and one of the hardest of all -- don't be fooled by
the deceivingly simple title. I know you are addicted to Meerca Chase, Hannah,
Destruct-O-Match, Ultimate Bullseye, Pyramids, and my own downfall -- Sutek's
Tomb (it's that background music that does it!) -- but you MUST quit! These
extremely addictive games give out exorbitant amounts of Neopoints, and as we
know, this will only cause more stress. So un-bookmark those games (and while
you're at it, UN-bookmark Tombola, the Wheel of Excitement, the Scratchcard
kiosk, Coltzan's shrine, the buried treasure, the fruit machine, and the Snowager),
and vow never to play any of them again! Believe me, you will thank me someday.
STEP FIVE: Compile all your Neopoints
Aha, you say -- I'm good at this! I love counting my Neopoints!
Alas, no -- I did not say count them. I said compile them. Now this step really
is simple. Pull all your money out of the bank and your shop till and withdraw
all trades so that, now that your stocks are sold, all your money is right under
your pet's name on that yellow toolbar on the left. Wow, you're pretty rich,
huh? Bet you didn't know how much money you had… but this is no time to be thinking
about that! It's time to move onto step six, the most important step so far:
STEP SIX: Get rid of those points
This will take longer for some of you than for others, which is why I have
broken this crucial phase down into three more basic steps. Now, we both know
that Neopoints are bad, but between you and me, I think that we should have
a little fun with this. Yes that's right -- it's time to GAMBLE! I think we
should start with that most succulent, tempting form of gambling -- buying a
lottery ticket! Actually, why not make it 1000 lottery tickets -- you still
won't win! You will, however, get to have tons of fun choosing six new numbers
for each ticket. Actually, if you want to be really sure that you won't win,
better choose the same six numbers for each ticket. Woohoo, 100,000 Neopoints
down the drain already! And now we can move onto our next fun gambling game.
I'm going to be honest with you; I've always wanted to play Black Pawkeet Slots
for hours on end, but I have restrained myself knowing that I have pretty much
no chance of ever gaining anything from it -- in fact, when I do play, I guiltily
watch my Neopoints tally drop by the thousands until I can finally overcome
my urge to play just one more time and close the window. But no longer are you
and I greedy little money hoarders, so let's end that guilt trip and get gambling!
Just open up the game and press that little button that says "Max Bet," and
you're on your way to poverty! And I DARE you to stop after just one spin!
STEP SEVEN: You still have points left?
Of course you do! At some point, you realized that it would take FOREVER to
get rid of all those Neopoints just 450 at a time. It's time to do more things
you've always wanted to do -- are you excited yet?? First, buy a couple of Checkered
paint brushes on the Wiz, and then go to the trading post and find some terrible
newbie lot. I think you know where I'm going with this, and believe me, if you
do, you've just made somebody's day! In fact, if you are particularly ambitious
(and wealthy), you can just go straight to the hidden tower and buy some of
Fyora's valuables, and use those to trade for someone's unwanted non-magical
orange Chia pop. Believe me, there are plenty of ways to spend an exorbitant
amount of Neopoints on completely worthless items. You can think of it as a
game -- what is the most expensive item you can find that is only worth 1NP?
I bet you've never played that one before, huh? Still got points? The auction
is a great place to get rid of them -- just find someone asking 8004NP for their
pile of dung (I'm not kidding -- there is an auction like that as I write this),
and you're set. And if you want to add a little zing to it, just find an item
that is appropriately priced -- like a 600NP scratchcard -- and bid a few (hundred)
thousand on it! Phew, who knew all that non-bargain hunting could be so exhausting!
But what's that you say…
STEP EIGHT: What, more points?
Wow, you're richer than I thought! I hope you are also a philanthropist, because
this is getting ridiculous. NOBODY should have that many Neopoints -- good thing
I got to you before it was too late! Now, there are two places left to go. First,
of course, is the wishing well, which is in the Neopian bazaar. This is a great
resource for getting rid of those spare Neopoints, and all you have to do is
make a wish! WOW -- too good to be true, right? Just toss a few fistfuls of
Neopoints into the fountain and type in your wish -- "rod of supernova" is a
good one, because that way you're sure not to have it granted -- and voila!
You're that much poorer. You can do this as many times as you want, and as long
as you type in the right requests -- Slumberberry Potion, a pocket lab ray,
the Chia that sells The Neopian Times in the Arts Centre, Jhudora's cloud, the
Shop Wizard -- you might as well be flushing your money down your disco toilet
(in fact, you could try that, except you already took it out of your Neohome,
remember?) And the good news is, your money will be charitably donated to the
money tree. Speaking of which, we have now arrived at our final, last-resort
stop, which is the thing we do when we can think of absolutely no other way
to finally be rid of those pesky last few points. All you need do is click on
that yellow button that says "shops," and then on that little tree-esque icon
at the top of the screen that pops up. This might be a little new to you, but
we normal people call this place the "Money Tree," and believe it or not, there's
a little spot at the bottom to do this crazy thing called "donate." In fact,
they even give you a nice little box to type in the number of points you'd like
to get rid of. You can either do it all at once or in a few smaller instalments,
but either way, make sure they are ALL GONE! And best of all, some poor Neopian
will be profiting off of your charity, and you will be the one frolicking stress-free
through Faerieland.
STEP NINE: I think I'm going to throw up.
Of course you do! And why wouldn't you -- after all, you just gave away everything
you have spent the past 20,000 hours of your life earning! But remember -- IT
WILL BE WORTH IT! Come on now, don't you feel better already? Personally, I
feel light as a feather, free as a Pteri, wild as a Kougra… No longer am I restrained
by the tight bonds of Neopoints! My neolife is at my own disposal!
However, we are left with one problem -- what do we do with all our newfound
free time? I mean, now that we're not caught up with restocking, we will have
hours upon hours of leisurely freedom that was never before at our disposal.
But if you're worried about keeping yourself busy around Neopia, you must not
be as clever as I thought!
"Ahh, I see now," you're saying to yourself. "Step Ten!"
Yes, clever reader -- Step Ten indeed!
"But," you say, "there IS no step ten!"
And you are right… there IS no step ten. I guess the title was wrong, huh?
Those tricky title-writers… ahem…
Okay, okay, I'll admit -- I did that on purpose. But whoever heard of a nine-step
guide? No matter, though -- you've come this far with flying colors, so what's
stopping you from taking your newfound Neopoint-free existence and moving out
in the neoworld to start a brand new glorious neolife! Neonothing, that's what!
So if you've really learned your lesson, you should have no trouble keeping
yourself occupied around Neopia without a Neopoint to your neoname. Just remember:
Neopoints come and go, but Neofriends are forever. Also remember, I was just
kidding when I told you to wear your step-out-shoes over to your Neohome. Those
things are just for pets -- now take them off!
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