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NEOPIAN FARM - Contrary to popular belief -- and this is really going to blow
your mind -- fruits and vegetables can't be made with the snap of your fingers.
Try all you want, but you won't get anything... except for sore fingers. No,
folks, the only way to get these fruits and vegetables is through a modern and
innovative method us high-tech-peoples call 'farming'. Crazy, huh? Now I'm going
to teach you all about this 'farming' concept though this article. Fasten your
seatbelts (you don't want to get a ticket) and learn about the wonderful world
of Neopian farming!
The first step to being a successful farmer is purchasing some land. The land
you choose should be fairly flat, complete with properly-nourished soil, and
be exposed to a fair amount of sun and water. The Lost Desert and the ruins
of Maraqua are ideal places for this. Where else can you get that much sun and
water? However, these two locations do come with a teensy drawback: the land
is very expensive there. That's why I'd recommend purchasing a lot in Meri Acres
Farm, down there in Meridell.
After you've been turned over and shaken until every lint-covered Neopoint
has been taken from you, you're ready to start preparing the land. However,
you can't start cultivating until you've decided upon what you wish to plant.
If you wish to plant oranges, you'll need an orange tree. If you wish to plant
apples, you'll need an apple tree. If you wish to plant potatoes - woah, almost
didn't catch myself there. Potatoes don't grow on trees. They grow on bushes.
The thing you're going to plant has to be original, or else you'll have a lot
of competition to deal with. I suggest cross-breeding plant seeds to create
something new. You could mix asparagus seeds with ugly pinanna seeds to create
Nah, nobody in Neopia would EVER want that. You'd be better off with turnips.
You can go to the Bazaar to get some seeds. And I'm talking about the Gardening
Supplies store, not the Chocolate Factory. Candy Corn is as liable to grow into
a tree as bits of plastic -- which means you'd have to use a lot of water.
Now that you know what to plant, you can start preparing the land. You'll have
to do this with a hoe, sadly. It's best to get a whole ton of friends to help
you. And if you're the kind who prefers the company of yourself, you could train
an unholy Meepit army of FURY to do the work for you. Or trick someone into
doing it. It's all the same.
Okay, so far you've got land, what your crop will be, and your land is ready
to be planted in. Now you need a barn. "But TK," you're saying, "if we're planting
stuff, we won't need a barn!" Yes, I knew that. Barns just look cool. To build
a barn, all you need is a really tall wooden building that's red with white
trim and has a Peadackle weathervane on top. If you've found one of those, carry
it over to your farm and there you go. You've built a barn.
Planting can be a very dull experience, especially if you're just walking around
tossing seeds everywhere. That's why you should go the the Virtupets Space Station
and rent a GX.1633 CX.163 Gamma-Q Gargraxian Seed Planting Thing. Those Grundos
are always first in farming technology... and light bulbs. It's a really great
thing that shoots seeds at speeds of hundreds of kilometres an hour. It's also
good for firing minute projectiles at our enemies (lawngnomeslawngnomesLAWNGNOMES).
The seeds are planted, the sun is shining, and now it's time for some water.
Going around with a watering can is too slow, and the Grundos won't let me rent
the GX.1633 CX.163 Gamma-Q Gargraxian Seed Planting Thing (version twelve) after
I tried to stuff a live Meepit in the ammunition-hole. So it's time to find
some other means of making water! I'm not stupid enough to try an ancient tribal
rain dance (again), so I guess I'll have to use a different, logical method.
Getting a Water Faerie angry.
HEY YOU WINGLESS POOR EXCUSES FOR FAERIES WHO SMELL LIKE DUNG!
Yup, that worked!
All that we can do now is wait for the work to be worth it and our veggies
to grow! This part is what divides the impatient little children from the mature,
experienced farmers.
Tum de dum... pretty little Cadro... flying high high high... hoppy little
Snowbunny... hop hop hop... lalala... hmm...
Okay, I've got too much of an impatient-little-child inside of me to wait.
There has to be another way! I could just gulp down a couple of Slumberberry
Potions and spend the next two years sleeping, but some crazy voice in the back
of my head says there's a more logical way. Pfft.
So, for the farmer who can't wait for their plants to grow, I suggest buying
a load of other potions -- Purest Red, Scary Dark, Tagobo, and some Achyfi --
and spraying them on your crop. That'll leave you with a crop of burgundy, demonic,
supersized, and icky tasting potatoes.
Which could be seen as a drawback.
So now, the time in every farmer's life where he must battle his mutated plants
that are trying to destroy the universe has come. It's a very textbook situation.
What's the one thing that plants can't take? Chocolate. Plants will get violently
sick if fed chocolate. Or was that Puppyblews? Either way, I have many boxes
of chocolates given to me by my many screaming fangirls aging away in my safety
deposit box. What, why is that so hard to believe? Fine, so I stole them. Is
that so wrong? Anyway, just feed those burgundy, demonic, supersized, and icky
tasting plants all the chocolate you can find and they'll instantly wither away
to dust.
Er... okay, I might've got just a teensy bit carried away there. The withering
of the plants takes a lot longer after they've ingested chocolate. I suppose
from now on I should be more realistic when describing the mutated potatoes.
Now that your potatoes are fully-grown and no longer mutants, it's time to
harvest 'em! You could just take a Shovel Plus, or train an army of Symols to
do it for you, but there's always a more fun, if not easier way. The answer...
cake bomb! Toss five or so cake bombs around the crop, and watch them go BOOM!
Or shut your eyes if you wish to preserve your eyesight. Your choice. Now, all
you need to do is search all over northern Neopia for the vegetables that went
flying, and you've successfully harvested your crop. You can also scoop up the
splattered cake and take that as your harvest as well. People will think that
you grew it! Nope, no cake trees for you!
You've successfully harvested your crop by using five one million NP items
to harvest your crop, and scavenged across half the globe searching for it.
Pfft, what moron advised that?
Well, that about wraps things up. You're now a successful farmer, and only
in debt approximately 20,000,000 NP! Way to go. Now you can sell your vegetables
and make a totally profit of -19,999,900. Whoo!
This is too_kule, running from an angry mob asking for their 20,000,000 NP
back and signing off. Over and out.
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