Some of you may remember me from such articles as "The
Top 10 Things You Need for a Useless Neopian Times Article All Packed Into One
Not-So-Easy to Read Article that is Successfully Useless" and... oh
wait, that's all. Anyway, after The Top 10 Things was published, I received
a lot of neomails from other users wishing to write as uselessly (is that a
real word?) as I do. Well, I have decided to put together all of my useless
ability to create... "Shoe".
(Warning, this story will in no way leave you entertained or informed of important
matter in Neopia, and spelling/grammar/plot mistakes are guaranteed. Make sure
you have read
my previous article to understand what this means.)
It was a dark and stormy night, when Timmy discovered
to his horror that... his shoelaces were in a knot. Her scream echoed throughout
his NeoHome. He struggled for breath when he noticed the intricate carvings
on his door frame. It was a very weird door frame due to the fact that it was
made out of jelly, and as the saying goes... "People in jelly houses shouldn't
throw dung." Timmy agreed with this because he was a humble gardener, and he
needed something as fertiliser. He crawled out on the house (which was strange
considering he was a Baby Buzz who was wearing shoes). He flew (literally) over
to his potting bench, when he... fell down a bottomless pit!!!
Days go past. Techos come and eat jelly doorframe.
Timmy still falling.
A Pteri walked past the now half-eaten jelly
NeoHome. He jumped over the bottomless pit, and went to take a bite out of the
nearly non-existent doorway which had been eaten not only by an angry mob of
Techos but also a group of Kacheeks on a school trip, a cave man who was on
his way to Mystery Island for a holiday, and a gathering of Krawks concerned
about the dangers of tidal waves on the now populated Krawk Island, which had
been their home for many centuries after they had been kicked out of their original
homeland, Tyrannia. The Skeith took a bite out of the doorway, then spat it
back out. "Eeeewww, yuk. Dis iz realy yuccy. I dont lik dis 1. yoo wil paye
four this timy." He set out towards the building where Judge Hog is. "Judge
Hog, I would like to make a complain" say the Lenny.
Judge Hog looked at the Tuskaninny. "Well, young
Acara, what is your complaint?"
"I went to eat some of that delicious jelly on
Timmy's NeoHome when not only did I notice a bottomless pit which I could've
fallen in, but the Jelly tasted not nice," said the fearful Grundo.
Judge Hog looked upon the Blumaroo, and thought
to himself that something was weird about that Neopet. Something kept on changing.
Then it hit him! (I'll just wait for Judge Hog to get a bandaid. The idea he
got hit him so hard he nearly fell unconscious. Oh wait, he's back now.) The
Hog new what was wrong. He quickly arrested a nearby cloud. The cloud was blowing
wind onto the Draik, causing its long Ixi hair to blow into its JubJub eyes.
The Elephante and Judge Hog headed back towards
Timmy's home in the middle of the night, but they too fell down the bottomless
pit.
T|-|e next d@y, a Chia waltzed 1Nt0 the DEFENDER
OF NeOpIa building. "Help, help! Dr. Sloth is trying to turn my shoes into sludge!!!"
But to his despair, there was no answer.
Dr Sloth boomed out in a large voice "HAS ANYONE
SEE MY TEDDY BEAR!!!! muahahaha, you're shoes will turned into sludge." After
taking a quick grammar lesson and getting someone to fix the loudspeaker so
it said the correct things loudly, he continued on with his threats.
"IF YOU DO NOT SURRENDER THE DIARY OF FYORA,
I WILL SLUDGE YOUR SHOES."
See Chia brave. See shoes turn into sludge. See
Chia cry. See Sloth getting book. See Sloth laughing at the fact that Fyora
used to have a crush on him. See tree blow onto poor unsuspecting Kougra on
Mystery Island.
The Robot Kougra looked through teary eyes. There
was no one around for miles meters. "HELP" he called out. To his surprise
(and rescue) a Light Faerie appeared.
"You may get three wishes, whatever they may
be," said the Light Faerie. 9.53235 seconds later, the Kougra was yelling for
help while playing with a Robot Kougra Plushie, chatting on MSN with his new
laptop and drinking some NeoCola. Someone appeared with a mean glint in their
eyes. It was a yellow Scorchio, who prefers not to be named, so we will just
call him "Mad Scientist Who Operates The Lab Ray" or just "MSWOTLR". MSWOTLR
grabbed the Kougra and...
What the... AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*We are experiencing technical difficulties. Read this important
news headlines while you wait.*
The Brain Tree has amnesia. Can't remember how he got it either.
Igloo Sale Over. The two Chias move out.
Neopet sues owner for not working on Pet Page enough.
Dr. Sloth turns himself into dung by accident. He says the whole deal stinks.
Chia eats Lupe.
Furniture shops finally stock NeoToilets that tell jokes. Neopets are now wetting
themselves with laughter.
*Thank you. We now will return you to "Shoe"*
(We apologise for the wait. The author fell down
the bottomless pit. Don't worry, he is now working from a laptop.)
...teleported them both the Secret Laboratory.
"Run, you Stupid Kougra! Unless you want me to...
use the LAB RAY on you. I'll just change the setting to Yellow Scorchio..."
yelled the MSWOTLR.
The Kougra, fearing for his robot body, got on
the giant treadmill. The MSWOTLR buzzed with laughter. (Don't ask. Let's just
say one time when he fired the lab ray, a bit of Striped Buzz zapped him.)
............
Hmm...that's strange. A giant bottomless pit
was supposed to appear. Oh well, we only hired him because he is cheap. For
now, just pretend that they have fallen to their certain doom (except for the
Robot Kougra who was abducted by peace loving aliens who have made a giant statue
of him which stands in the middle of their spaceship filled with plushies and
key rings which they have collected over the last 10 years because they liked
the look of them and started making the largest gallery in the world after winning
the Neopian Lottery because they received a ticket from a mysterious man when
playing Dice-A-Roo on a bright sunny day that was meant to be rainy according
to the Weather Report but they didn't trust the weather report because it was
told by a Krawk and everyone knows that because Krawks have the Wooden Spoon
Award they must not be good at things such a reading books and eating expensive
foods because their owners have had to pay so many NeoPoints just to get them
in the first place and then take them to the Fungus Cave on Krawk Island where
they have changed into a fully grown Neopet which was first reported in the
News back half a year ago before Meridell and its farming business really started
to boom but way after the mysterious Kiko Pirate had visited Maraqua and supposedly
caused the whirlpool which caused Maraqua to be destroyed leaving behind mystical
ruins which are now trying to be explored by clever deep sea divers because
they have nothing better to do with their life... except perhaps make rock gardens
that they water daily!).
A young Draik ventured into the Lab for his daily
labbing. Seeing nothing and no one he decided to find MSWOTLR by himself.
"Mista Madscientistwhoopperatesthelabray
MSWOTLR? Arr yoo 'ere? 'elloooo?" After looking around and finding nobody still,
the young one decided to try the lab ray by himself. "Eezee az a peece of pie!
Mmmmmmm... pie!" But all that concentrating on eating pie, the little Draik
did not look where he fired the lab ray...
Fyora had just finishing the spring cleaning
in the Hidden Tower. She pick up a book and started read it. It was call "Negg
Faerie: An Autobiography. Written by the Snow Faerie". Sudden, there was a knocked
on the door. She open the door and see a pile of dung helf up by a Mutant Grundo.
"You had a crush on me?!?!" giggled the pile of dung (Sloth) just as a bright
light flashed by. From out of the sky, a deep Neopets voice boomed:
The ray is fired at Jhudora the Dark Faerie Doll...
...and it changes into a Yellow Scorchio
Jhudora appeared out of mid air. Her eyes... and
her mouth... said it all.
"This means war"
TO BE CONTINU...
I hope you fell asleep a number of times, and found the experience overall
uninspiring. To tell the truth, I am surprised that Neopets even let me get
in again!
Now you may have learnt some morals from this story, such as:
• "Beware of bottomless pits"
• "Simply untie your shoelaces"
• "Don't eat Jelly if you don't know its flavour"
• "See a doctor if you keep changing into different Neopets every 5 seconds"
• "When wishing for a Robot Kougra Plushie, make sure you wish for flashing
eyes and karate chop action"
• "Don't hire a bottomless pit for cheap. They never appear in the right
spot"
• "Don't operate the Lab Ray without adult supervision"
• "Don't blame Fyora when your doll gets turned into a Yellow Scorchio"
If not, just read the above things and pretend you recognised them, and thanks
for reading my number 1, or should I say number -1 useless story. | 
