The Top 10 Things You Need for a Useless Neopian Times Article All Packed Into One Not-So-Easy to Read Article that is Successfully Useless
LENNY LIBRARY - You may have seen all those stories with well planned story
lines and informative paragraphs, but are they any good? The answer is yes,
but that's not the point. This article will help you make a 100% useless article
for The Neopian Times, taking you through a number of steps that have been entered
Lesson 1: Title
The first thing you need to do is decide on a title. There are two main styles
of title you can have. There's the uselessly long title such as the one I have
used for this article. In my case, it was 24 letters long and spread down a couple
lines. This will make your article very useless because any reader knows what's
going to happen before they've read the story or article.
On the other hand, you could simply use the short titles. For example, if you
had an article about playing Meerca Chase, one might call it: "Meerca Chase:
Dodging the Red Neggs." But that might be handy, so just call it Red
or simply The.
Lesson 2: Punctuation
Punctuation is one of those things everyone uses, but no one likes. I'm sure that
you have seen countless articles with the big letters, the commas and those little
dots. But will that get you the article you want? So far, I have been using the
'normal' style of punctuation, but there are many possibilities. There are many
ways to spice up a sentence. Why not get some LARGE STRIKING LETTERS THE WHOLE
WAY THROUGH or even better some LeTtErS tHaT cAnT
mAkE uP tHeIr MiNd.
Still not good enough? Well add some of that useless punctuation from the other
sentences. ~~~~ N0W ¡sN,T t|-|IS COO|_ ~~~~
Lesson 3: Topic
A useless story goes far without a useless topic. For an article, there are hundreds
of potential mistakes. The golden rule for topics is make sure it isn't useful
to more than 89.5231% of readers. So don't ever do a game guide or article on
how to be a better player. Instead, ask people the important questions of life,
such as "Why Do Kacheeks Have Only 3 Hairs On Their Head. Are They bald Or
Is It A Brand New Style Of Wig That Will Soon Hit The Neopian Markets." (You
may notice that I once again used the long title effect seen in Lesson 1.) Other
possibilities are "Moo" and "Your Guide To Buying A Kitchen Sink"
Lesson 4: Proofreading
I have seen countless stories where there has been lousy proofreading. There are
a number of reasons for proofreading. The first is to make sure that you have
changed your topic a number of times. If you wrote a useless story that started
off about the wishing well and ended up with an autobiography on the Snowager,
consider yourself successful.
Also, make sure you have done the stuff that I have put so far and the stuff I
haven't mentioned yet when you start to do your single proofread.
Lesson 5: Spelling
Don't know the difference between to, two and too? Well then you're very lucky.
Try using different spelling styles. For example, "Wen de Zarfarra got two
de shoppe, their waz nuthing too bye," is interesting. To understand it, the
reader must go over it a number of times just to understand it. This wastes their
time. Unfortunately, it will stick in their head, which is not something you want
in your article or story.
Lesson 6: Grammar
Grammar is much like spelling. You have to choose a style that will waste the
readers time while they try and figure out what you are trying to say. When checking
your grammar, make sure you have incorrectly used all grammar. Here's a little
example I made all by myself. "The Zafara catch the ball then threw it. I feel
the ball leave his hand as I is about to throw it." In the example. Uses of
1st person, 2nd person and 3rd person were mixed up and past tense, present tense
and future tense were scrambled.
Lesson 7: Storyline
Every bad story consists of 1 part: the middle. Don't bother with the introduction
or conclusion because they will only be beneficial to the reader. Why not just
dump the reader in the middle of a battle, such as in one of my useless stories
coming to a store near you: "And I jumped into the air just as he finally used
the hoard of weapons. I ran, but it was too late. I had missed my chance."
Got no idea of what's happening? That's the point. See where I'm coming from now?
Lesson 8: Length
The length is like the title. You can either go for long and boring or short and
lacking detail. I will now attempt to write a short story: "Kacheek meet Acara.
Get married. Have children. Live happy ever after."
There are a number of rules to short stories. Never use words that have more than
2 syllables and never have sentences that contain more than four words.
A long story is a different matter. Try an put in lots of junk that doesn't really
have anything to do with anything.
"As the young blue Koi from the now drowned city of Maraqua that has been gone
for quite a while now just before the discovery of Krawk Island gazed intently
through the well polished window of the gallery that contained rare items such
as plushies and chocolates that are valued highly Neopia wide when he tripped
over a broken skateboard that had come rolling from around the corner where two
young Neopets were eating the apples that they had bought from...etc., etc., etc."
Lesson 9: Planning
It is crucial that you don't ever have a plan in your story. Remember, your topic
should change at regular intervals. If at any time your story starts to make sense,
then change it. There are many ways that you can change your story, as seen below.
"At last, Billy the Blumaroo had won enough NP to buy a present for his friend...when
he fell down a bottomless pit and was never seen again. However, his hat blew
up and landed on an unsuspecting Krawk..."
Lesson 10: Concentration
Try and work on 50 stories at once. This will help you make unfinished stories
and will give you that extra boost of confusion. And remember, always finish what
you have starte...
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