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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 5th day of Running, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 64 > Articles > The Top 10 Things You Need for a Useless Neopian Times Article All Packed Into One Not-So-Easy to Read Article that is Successfully Useless

The Top 10 Things You Need for a Useless Neopian Times Article All Packed Into One Not-So-Easy to Read Article that is Successfully Useless

by _l_love_plushies_

LENNY LIBRARY - You may have seen all those stories with well planned story lines and informative paragraphs, but are they any good? The answer is yes, but that's not the point. This article will help you make a 100% useless article for The Neopian Times, taking you through a number of steps that have been entered randomly.

Lesson 1: Title

The first thing you need to do is decide on a title. There are two main styles of title you can have. There's the uselessly long title such as the one I have used for this article. In my case, it was 24 letters long and spread down a couple lines. This will make your article very useless because any reader knows what's going to happen before they've read the story or article.

On the other hand, you could simply use the short titles. For example, if you had an article about playing Meerca Chase, one might call it: "Meerca Chase: Dodging the Red Neggs." But that might be handy, so just call it Red or simply The.

Lesson 2: Punctuation

Punctuation is one of those things everyone uses, but no one likes. I'm sure that you have seen countless articles with the big letters, the commas and those little dots. But will that get you the article you want? So far, I have been using the 'normal' style of punctuation, but there are many possibilities. There are many ways to spice up a sentence. Why not get some LARGE STRIKING LETTERS THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH or even better some LeTtErS tHaT cAnT mAkE uP tHeIr MiNd.

Still not good enough? Well add some of that useless punctuation from the other sentences. ~~~~ N0W ¡sN,T t|-|IS COO|_ ~~~~

Lesson 3: Topic

A useless story goes far without a useless topic. For an article, there are hundreds of potential mistakes. The golden rule for topics is make sure it isn't useful to more than 89.5231% of readers. So don't ever do a game guide or article on how to be a better player. Instead, ask people the important questions of life, such as "Why Do Kacheeks Have Only 3 Hairs On Their Head. Are They bald Or Is It A Brand New Style Of Wig That Will Soon Hit The Neopian Markets." (You may notice that I once again used the long title effect seen in Lesson 1.) Other possibilities are "Moo" and "Your Guide To Buying A Kitchen Sink"

Lesson 4: Proofreading

I have seen countless stories where there has been lousy proofreading. There are a number of reasons for proofreading. The first is to make sure that you have changed your topic a number of times. If you wrote a useless story that started off about the wishing well and ended up with an autobiography on the Snowager, consider yourself successful.

Also, make sure you have done the stuff that I have put so far and the stuff I haven't mentioned yet when you start to do your single proofread.

Lesson 5: Spelling

Don't know the difference between to, two and too? Well then you're very lucky. Try using different spelling styles. For example, "Wen de Zarfarra got two de shoppe, their waz nuthing too bye," is interesting. To understand it, the reader must go over it a number of times just to understand it. This wastes their time. Unfortunately, it will stick in their head, which is not something you want in your article or story.

Lesson 6: Grammar

Grammar is much like spelling. You have to choose a style that will waste the readers time while they try and figure out what you are trying to say. When checking your grammar, make sure you have incorrectly used all grammar. Here's a little example I made all by myself. "The Zafara catch the ball then threw it. I feel the ball leave his hand as I is about to throw it." In the example. Uses of 1st person, 2nd person and 3rd person were mixed up and past tense, present tense and future tense were scrambled.

Lesson 7: Storyline

Every bad story consists of 1 part: the middle. Don't bother with the introduction or conclusion because they will only be beneficial to the reader. Why not just dump the reader in the middle of a battle, such as in one of my useless stories coming to a store near you: "And I jumped into the air just as he finally used the hoard of weapons. I ran, but it was too late. I had missed my chance." Got no idea of what's happening? That's the point. See where I'm coming from now?

Lesson 8: Length

The length is like the title. You can either go for long and boring or short and lacking detail. I will now attempt to write a short story: "Kacheek meet Acara. Get married. Have children. Live happy ever after."

There are a number of rules to short stories. Never use words that have more than 2 syllables and never have sentences that contain more than four words.

A long story is a different matter. Try an put in lots of junk that doesn't really have anything to do with anything.

"As the young blue Koi from the now drowned city of Maraqua that has been gone for quite a while now just before the discovery of Krawk Island gazed intently through the well polished window of the gallery that contained rare items such as plushies and chocolates that are valued highly Neopia wide when he tripped over a broken skateboard that had come rolling from around the corner where two young Neopets were eating the apples that they had bought from...etc., etc., etc."

Lesson 9: Planning

It is crucial that you don't ever have a plan in your story. Remember, your topic should change at regular intervals. If at any time your story starts to make sense, then change it. There are many ways that you can change your story, as seen below.

"At last, Billy the Blumaroo had won enough NP to buy a present for his friend...when he fell down a bottomless pit and was never seen again. However, his hat blew up and landed on an unsuspecting Krawk..."

Lesson 10: Concentration

Try and work on 50 stories at once. This will help you make unfinished stories and will give you that extra boost of confusion. And remember, always finish what you have starte...

Week 64 Related Links

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