Lifestyles of the Affluent and Illustrious: Mumbo Pango by noremac9 |  |
MYSTERY ISLAND - Tired of living a humdrum dull and meaningless existence, barely
scratching out a living? Well, a lot of Neopians are. But we can't help you with
that. What we CAN do is show you the people you envy -- those who aren't living
a life as uninteresting as a Battle Potato. Yes, those Neopian celebrities who
can buy gold-plated bathroom fixtures, and houses in the clouds, or pretty much
anywhere else they fancy. So even if you can't live it yourself, at least you
can read about it, right?
On this episode of Lifestyles, we'll be looking at the illustrious
Mumbo Pango, Tiki-god extraordinaire. This Neopian symbol of, well, death and
coconuts, I suppose, is as affluent as he is bizarre. The big Coco-God really
racked up the fame when he successfully wiped out 99% of the Neopets' staff.
Whatever gets you to the bloodstained top, I guess.
But you don't really give a Golden Juppie about WHO this guy is, it's all
about what he's got. And let me tell you, this guy's got some real interesting
stuff.
Let's start with the food, because as we all know, that's all I care about.
That is to say, um, that food should be talked about with care... of course.
But boy does THIS guy care about food. Or what he likes to call food, anyway.
Some of the items on the menu are indeed quite interesting. Personally, I think
"Staffer Souffle" and "Employee Eclairs" sound rather good, no? He definitely
has strange taste in people. But we're not here to yap about what he's doing,
everyone knows we're all about PRICES. And at 480,000 NPSMTIH ("480 thousand
Neopoints More Than I Have", which means more or less "480,000 NPs."), this
ain't no chump-change of a meal. In fact, his meals are so expensive, and in
such short supply, he has his own Urban-Ops Team. Yes, you heard me. Urban Operational
Stealth Unit.
What do they do? They fetch the food. But once again, how much do they cost?
Well, he pays them weekly, 200,000 NPSMTIH, each. And there are five of them.
That's impressively expensive. But don't just take it from me -- let's get it
straight from the Uni's mouth. I managed to grab a quick interview with an anonymous
member of the team, who is actually a Kyrii, not a Uni. Nevertheless, here's
what I got out of him.
I asked him what it was like working for one of the largest and most feared,
and possibly only, Tiki-gods in Neopia. "Pretty dang freaky," he says. "I never
thought I'd end up wearing a coconut mask and sneaking into the Neopets Headquarters
to kidnap innocent staff members for food. I actually wanted to be SuperKyrii.
I figure it's kinda close..." When asked if Mumbo Pango ever said anything,
he told me to keep quiet. "He doesn't like people talking about him not talking,"
he whispered. "He just scribbles us notes on bamboo sheets."
It was certainly an interesting interview. Why does Mumbo Pango care so much
about his lost voice? Is he mute? Did he lose his voice box? Is that mask just
too tight? We'll never know, because I had to swear to someone
I wouldn't turn this into a conspiracy article.
Anyway, moving onto his mansion. Or should I say palace, manor, or Tiki-God-Residence?
Because this place is big. Like, if you took all my stupidity, and built a house
out of it, this is what you'd get. Yeah, that BIG. It's entirely constructed
from rare materials. See list below.
The foundation is built with 100% pure coconut shavings.
The walls are built with coconut skins and coconut shavings.
The roof is built with crystalized coconut juice and coconut shavings.
The interior is all coconuts, glued together, plus some coconut shavings.
The doormat is made of coconut shavings.
The chandelier is made from Transparashield.
I was just about to point out a pattern there, but that last one rather ruined
it. Also, the house prices in at a whopping 1.9 Million NPSMTIEH (1.9 Million
Neopoints More Than I'll EVER Have). That's a substantial amount of dough, right
there. And I don't mean the kind used for cookies.
And while we're on the subject of vacations... oh, we're not on the subject
of vacations? Well, NOW that we're on the subject of vacations, let's look at
the wonderful vacations this big Coconut man takes.
Like, for instance, the
gorgeous gas chamber of Zurvix! A nice relaxing little destination for all
who want to take a little stroll through dead-guy lane and admire all the lethal
green gas. Charming. But it's not cheap staying there! Oh no, you have to...
actually, this just in. When you're a minor deity, let's just say it's drinks
on the house.
One of the great Mumbo Jumbo's favorite places to visit is the sun. Why, he
likes it so much, he sends all his friends
there, too! He must really like it to do that. Of course, I've never heard of
HIM going there, but he must like it if he sends his friends, right? On a side
note, I don't know how much the catapult costs, but that Coconut Native must
have the density of a small, um, PLANET, to do that. Give or take several million
tons.
Oh, and another great resort place he loves-- The Bottom of the Waterfall
Beach Club. He sends good friends
there, too. I hear it's a bit of a long way down... er, a long way there, but
they say it's worth the fall trip. As for price, it's entirely
free, except for pizza-looking-raft-rentals. Those are cheap, too, so that's
not s big deal. I guess any one of us could go to this great... um, this great
place where you can perish with ease.
When he's not vacating, Mumbo Pango likes to take care of his many pets. Yes,
he owns pets. Two Monocerous, an angry Floud, and a sign reading "Beware the
Leopard!" (this is for keeping angry programmers away!). The last one is in
a kennel, with water, and is thus a pet. The Floud is for attacking innocent
civilians, and the two raging monsters are for eating the Jubjubs that he doesn't
finish off (They once ate 32 Jubjubs in one day!). He definitely loves the animals,
that is for sure. They definitely love YOU, too, that's definitely for sure.
But it's not good. And if you want some yourself -- well, just so you know,
they will eat you, unless you're a giant fruit... vegetable... um... coconut
god.
So now you know what it'd be like to be Mumbo Pango. It might be a bunch of
Mumbo Jumbo, but as long as you wish you were HIM -- my job here is done. Thank
you, and goodnight.
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