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MYSTERY ISLAND - When it was announced that there would be an actual mystery to
solve on Mystery Island, I was probably the first one to wade knee-deep in gadgads
fruit for a chance at winning fame and fortune as an amateur detective. That ambition
lasted a full whopping six seconds. That's how long it took me to to realize it
was a tad trickier than I thought to figure out because the clues were being provided
at Slorg racing speed. And if you've never seen Slorgs race, I'll give you a hint:
they don't time it with a stopwatch. They use a calendar. A century calendar.
So I decided to hunt down some clues on my own. I tried to think what Sherlock
Neoholmes would do. Since he would send his sidekick Dr. Watsoneo on some fool
errand, I sent my Meerca, Reallyconfused, out to "round up the usual suspects".
When he came back with an armload of Lemwarts and Carnapeppers, I knew I was
on my own. So I tried to think of what Dr. Sloth would do to get information.
Since I was fresh out of torture racks, I decided maybe I should try a more
subtle approach. In short, I decided to be really really sneaky about it.
I figured I would just casually walk up to the guests who had been at the
Gadgadsbogen Festival and ask a few sly questions like, "What color was the
skirt you spilled... what were you drinking? ... your drink on trying to wash
down the... what was the name of the fruit you were choking on?" I decided to
make my first victim... err... party goer, Rufus the Kougra. He had been named
Grand Bogen of this year's festival, so if anyone knew what everyone was eating
and drinking and spilling stuff on, it was him.
When I arrived at Mystery Island, I hopped off the ferry and headed for Cannibal
Village. According to the Neopedia, Mystery Island has a population of 425,000.
Of those 425,000, 58% (or 246,500) are members of the Tribe of Pango, the native
inhabitants. And Cannibal Village is the home of most of the Pangoians, so I
figured it would be easy to find. After all, a "village" of more than 200,000
has to be a major housing development, right? My plan was to pop into the first
Gads Station and ask directions.
I combed the entire 65 miles of Mystery Island for two days and I never did
find any Cannibal Village. Looking back on it now, maybe that was a good thing.
One nosy tourist in a village of 200,000 cannibals probably would have created
a riot when they all started fighting over some fruit-- like my adams apple.
After wandering aimlessly around for two days, I finally decided to ask the
Island Mystic. I figured that anyone who could change themselves from a bone-wearing
Pango Cannibal to a bone-wearing Kyrii Cannibal on a whim, pretty much had a
lock on all of the mysteries of Mystery Island. Our conversation went something
like this:
Stoneman3x: Excuse me, can you tell me where Cannibal Village is?
Island Mystic: You will have evil fortune in the Haunted Woods.
Stoneman3x: But I'm not going to the Haunted Woods. I'm trying to find Cannibal
Village.
Island Mystic: Remember to come back tomorrow!
Stoneman3x: Why?
Island Mystic: To have your fortune told.
Stoneman3x: But I don't want to have my fortune told. I want to find Cannibal
Village.
Island Mystic: You will have evil fortune in the Haunted Woods.
Stoneman3x: YOU were the one who wrote the Gadgadsbogen clues, weren't you?
Island Mystic: Remember to come back tomorrow!
Stoneman3x: I thought so.
Since I wasn't getting very far with the Island Mystic, I decided to zip over
to the Haiku Generator. After all, the Haiku guy was a Kougra, and since
the Grand Bogen was a Kougra, there was a chance they hung out at the
same Kougra dance clubs or something. Here is what he actually, truly and really
said to me:
Stoneman3x: Excuse me...
Haiku Kougra: Believable stone...
Stoneman3x: You know my name? Wow! Anyway, I was wondering if you could tell
me where to find the Grand Bogen.
Haiku Kougra: Favorite examines soft...
Stoneman3x: Huh?
Haiku Kougra: My Jetsam forgives.
Stoneman3x: Then he would be the only one.
Haiku Kougra: Contemplate this, and return tomorrow.
Stoneman3x: I can't. I'll be busy getting zapped by evil in the Haunted Woods
tomorrow.
I was starting to see why the clues to the Gadgadsbogen mystery were so confusing
and why they weren't given out all at once. They were apparently written by
both the Island Mystic and the Haiku guy as a sort of joint effort to torture
the maximum number of Neopians possible.
As luck would have it, I happened to notice a yellow Kougra carrying some
bags of garbage to the dump, and I decided to ask him as a last resort.
Stoneman3x: I beg your pardon, but would you be able to tell me, hopefully
sometime before tomorrow, where I could find the Grand Bogen?
Yellow Kougra: I'm Rufus.
Stoneman3x: I'm Stone... now that we've been introduced, could you tell me...
Yellow Kougra: Are you really stone? You look very lifelike to me.
Stoneman3x: My NAME is Stone. I'm looking for the Grand Bogen.
Yellow Kougra: I'M Rufus.
Stoneman3x: Are you the Haiku guy's assistant or something?
Grand Bogen: No, I am the Grand Bogen.
Stoneman3x: Oh... whoa! Sorry about that! I've been looking for you.
Grand Bogen: I'm afraid I'm all out of autographed pictures.
Stoneman3x: Bummer. Actually I was thinking more of a *cough cough* interview
for the *cough cough* Neopian Times...
Grand Bogen: Really? That's great! Most people just want me to tell them the
answers to the Great Gadgadsbogen Mystery.
Stoneman3x: Well, I guess Neopia is filled with incentive idiots like that.
Grand Bogen: So what do you want to know?
Stoneman3x: Ummm... what's your favorite color?
Grand Bogen: You're one of those insensitive idiots, aren't you?
Stoneman3x: No, honestly... *cough cough* I just want to know all about you--
for the readers of The Neopian Times. I hear you like to study rare and unique
Petpets. What kind of a Petpet do you have?
Grand Bogen: A Ghoti.
Stoneman3x: Really? Exactly how do you pronounce "Ghoti"?
Grand Bogen: Fish.
Stoneman3x: Are you sure you're not the Haiku guy's assistant?
Grand Bogen: Any other questions?
Stoneman3x: What is your Ghoti's favorite color?
Grand Bogen: Don't you want to know anything about my duties as Grand Bogen?
Stoneman3x: Yeah, sure... I guess so. Ummm... by the way, I have a question
about your title, "Grand Bogen".
Grand Bogen: Yes?
Stoneman3x: Doesn't Gadgadsbogen mean "good good day"?
Grand Bogen: Yes...
Stoneman3x: So a "Grand Bogen" is a "Big Day"? What kind of title is that?
Grand Bogen: My Ghoti's favorite color is orange.
Stoneman3x: Drat.
Grand Bogen: My duties were to welcome the guests, and see they were always
pleased. Otherwise, folklore dictates that the fruit would sense any displeasure
and not rise for the harvest. It was quite difficult keeping so many different
guests happy, but we Kougras are a strong species, and can handle just about
anything!
Stoneman3x: Okay, I have a question about that too. If all these fruits grow
on trees, how is it that these "new" fruits just pop out of the ground every
year?
Grand Bogen: Cinto Pango.
Stoneman3x: Run that by me again?
Grand Bogen: Cinto Pango is the Pango Tribe Elder. He names all of the new
fruits. He's the one to ask if you have technical fruit questions. I just blow
up balloons.
Stoneman3x: Can I ask Kougra questions?
Grand Bogen: Of course.
Stoneman3x: Is there any sort of Mystery Island food that Kougras are allergic
to and won't eat at a Gadgadsbogen Festival?
Grand Bogen: Tourists.
Stoneman3x: Ummm... sorry to hear that... *cough cough*...
Grand Bogen: Anyway, as I was saying about my duties as Grand Bogen... I was
careful that no one was served a drink that matched their outfit, as it is common
knowledge that drinking a cocktail the same colour as your hula skirt is forbidden
at the Gadgadsbogen festival, which is silly, as that would be so helpful in
hiding the stains from the drinks, but what do I know?
Stoneman3x: Yeah, that does seem like a silly rule.
Grand Bogen: Well, I have to go now. I still have some cleaning up to do.
Stoneman3x: Err... okay...
Grand Bogen: By the way, I have a hint for you.
Stoneman3x: You do?
Grand Bogen: Get yourself a bottle of Kikoughela Syrup for that cough of yours.
So that was the end of our chat. I never did get the secret clue to the Gadgadsbogen
Mystery that I was hoping for. But I did learn something important. Jetsams
forgive.
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