Nobody ever mentions how painful it is to have one's
foot trapped in the Turmaculus' mouth.
Oh sure, they can go on for ages about the courage
and honour of braving the dangers of Neopia, the near escapes, the glorious
victories and the excellent perks. They can talk your ear off about the fantastic
journeys and daring exploits of being a successful hero. All of that is passed
along in heroic stories, retold, rewritten, and churned out in the Monthly Hero
at the end of it.
But never, ever, has anybody thought to describe
the excruciating experience of getting an appendage stuck between a sleeping
monster's jaws. Or, Blazing Fang considered, maybe they have, but without historic
note. But even if someone out there, for reasons unknown, decided to write on
the subject of foots and their being in Turmaculus' mouths, they would have
no doubt failed in capturing the true essence of the event - the boredom. The
complete and utter boredom. The result of aforesaid foot being stuck in there
for the last half hour.
It can really take the action out of action hero.
"Hey!" came a muffled voice from inside the
massive creatures belly. "Haven't you got around to rescuing me yet?"
Blazing Fang sighed. "I would prefer to rescue
my foot," he said, choosing his words carefully, "than to save some irritating,
idiotic Petpet who got himself eaten and just expects someone else to come along
and clean up after them."
"You're supposed to rescue me. You know, 'Blazing
Fang, protector of creatures everywhere, champion of the defenceless, helper
of little old ladies across the street?'" the Petpet whined, in one of those
high pitched voices that grates upon the very bones.
"Another thing I'd prefer, over helping little
old ladies across the street, would be to help some good-looking lady Lupe across
the street and straight into the next house..."
Well that was a little explicit. There's no accounting
for heroes these days.
"However, as it stands, or lays down and snores
on this occasion, I am here instead, with my foot in this things mouth. And
I cannot help but remember that you, not I, was the one who hit the Turmaculus
over the head with a stick. And you, not I, was swallowed as a direct result
from this, so perhaps next time you decide to whack a whopping great monster
on the head with anything, you, not I, will THINK AGAIN!"
The Petpet inside the Turmaculus began to snuffle
piteously.
"Oh for Coltzan's sake," Blazing Fang sighed
again. "I didn't intend to make it sound like that. The dull, throbbing, insistent
pain just gets on my nerves." With a deep breath, he mustered up the little
hero valour this particular situation had left him and announced:
"I will not let any harm come to you!"
The Petpet began to wail loudly.
Blazing Fang winced. Not so successful. Plus
this new wailing sound was extremely grating, even more so than the whining.
Any sympathy for the victimised Petpet was now well and truly gone.
"You're just a mean *sob* Lupe, and you don't
*sob* know anything about what it's like to *sniffle* get eaten!" With this,
the Petpet sobbed twice more, swallowed, and got up with determination. As much
determination as one can have when in something's stomach, and with no one around
to view your fit of bravery. "I'm going to get out of here myself! I'll just
have to crawl out the other end!"
The other end?
"Wha...?" Blazing Fang exclaimed, while cringing
from the mere thought of...well it deters the most courageous of describers really.
"You can't be serious! There's a digestive system in the way!"
Oh. I see. The other end.
"I have a protective suit on," the Petpet explained.
Now, if Blazing Fang had been in a variety of other scenarios, the coincidence
that the Petpet was about the go crawling through digestive tracts and just
happened to have on a suit which would allow him to do so would have been quite
striking. However, it was the receding sound of the voice that worried him most,
not this coincidence, because after all, a protective suit would come in useful
if attacking something bigger than you with some oversize twig.
"Wait..." began Blazing Fang, only to pause as
a rumbling came from the Turmaculus. The type of deep rumbling that tends to
worry anyone within the near vicinity. A deep rumbling that shook the beast
with its sheer power, that mounted in volume as it rose up from the depths of
the Turmaculus, striving to break forth...
...and thereby bringing a very sorry looking Petpet
back into Neopia's sweet air.
Or at least, what used to be sweet air.
The Petpet blinked several times behind the protective
plastic of his visor. He looked about him and spotted the unfortunate Blazing
Fang, hero extraordinaire, sitting a few feet away and nursing his foot.
"Well, good job you did in saving me," the Petpet
scowled. "All you did was hang out of the Turmaculus' mouth for the last half
hour." The Petpet then proceeded to rid himself of the smelly suit, as snobbish
as it is possible to take off a protective suit 'to be used in the case of consummation
by various creatures' when the suit is covered in several unidentifiable materials.
Now clearly visible was a Zebba, with his wings (if this is at all possible)
whirring in an annoyed sort of way.
"You could have attacked or something, you know!"
the Zebba snapped.
How did I ever feel sympathy for this thing?
Blazing Fang wondered, as he picked his sword out of the slop. He polished it
upon his clothes, though admittedly they weren't much cleaner than the sword,
and put it back in its sheath.
"Hardly. After the Turmaculus swallowed my sword..."
"Our king swallowed the sword? He could have
been killed!" gasped a horrified Zebba. Without changing his expression, Blazing
Fang tucked his hands behind his back - a sure sign of amusement.
"As long as you're not contradicting yourself,"
he replied calmly. "And now that he's back to being your 'king'. You were hardly
addressing him in such terms when in his stomach."
The Zebba smoothed out the fur on his chest while
considering this. He didn't much like any of the conclusions he came to, and
instead settled for going back to feeling superior over Blazing Fang. After
all, he had done a pretty darn good job in saving himself, and it hadn't involved
any killing of Turmaculus' in it. His owner would be proud, maybe even his owners
owner. Perhaps even the owners of the owners owner, those strange looking things
called 'parents.' Everyone would be proud of him. He had survived the Great
Turmaculus! As big as the Neopian sea! As wide as the space station! With huge,
pointy teeth for tearing and...
"Turmaculus," Blazing Fang said. He was staring
fixedly over the Zebba and beyond him. The Zebba followed his line of view until
he saw the mighty beast lumbering to its feet, a deep growl in his throat, and
a knit to his brows that can be described as "spelling doom." Other translations
included "Run," and "I hope you liked being eaten because it's going to happen
again in a not so far away time."
Blazing Fang drew his sword.
Stepping slowly towards the Turmaculus, he raised
the sword above his head with one hand, and stared deep into the monster's eyes.
The sword began to move slowly back and forth, its silver length flashing with
sunlight and some remnants of half-digested food. The eye contact broke, the
sword paused in its wide arc, and Blazing Fang, a hero of Neopia, took to his
heels and bolted.
He was quite a fast bolter.
It took the Turmaculus a few seconds to realise
the flashing sword had gone. This is hardly a reflection on his intelligence.
It had simply happened so fast. Blazing Fang was now several metres away, still
waving the sword and yelling out "Come and get me!" with gusto. He was also
shouting something that sounded rather like "Ya big lump!" or "You dumb hump!"
It's hard to be sure. However, the exact words were unimportant. The important
thing was that the Turmaculus' attention was on the sword once more while Blazing
Fang swung it over his head, and as they did the sword tilted and the sunlight
reflected into the eyes of the Turmaculus.
The "Rooawwwwwwrrr!!" shook the ground. It had
hurt. Enough to turn the Turmaculus away from the stricken Petpet and clambering
towards Blazing Fang instead, who was heading for the trees as fast as he could.
Now, one telling might suggest that the race was close, that Blazing Fang had
to dive out from under the monster's feet to reach his goal in time. Perhaps
Blazing Fang stumbled, and had to pick himself up from the ground again, losing
precious time. Then again, maybe a small group of angels flew down from the
sky and lifted him to the trees in the accompaniment of beautiful song.
But then, Blazing Fang was hardly in favour with
any of the angels. What he was not out of favour with was ability, and he reached
the trees long before the Turmaculus did. Digging a foot (the one that hadn't
been in the Turmaculus' mouth) into the trunk, he swung himself up into the
tree. Once safely seated, he caught several smaller branches, laden with fruit
that had not yet been harvested, and with his sword severed them from the tree
until he had them all in his grip. Then he sheathed the sword again and waited.
The Turmaculus soon arrived.
It meandered along the side of the grove, the
gigantic nostrils lifted in an attempt to smell out Blazing Fang. This was not
hard. The odour on Blazing Fang's clothes could only be rivaled by the one on
the Zebba's suit, or possibly Edna the Witch. The scent wafted almost visibly
through the air, attracting the Turmaculus straight to the tree in which Blazing
Fang sat hidden with the branches clasped in his hand, his body ready to spring.
Closer, closer...with a graceful pounce Blazing Fang leapt out of the tree and
onto the Turmaculus' back. The huge creature arched his back and shook in an
attempt to get rid of the Lupe clinging to his spikes, but Blazing Fang hung
on grimly, and with his other hand tossed the foliage down to the ground in
front of the raging Turmaculus...
***
The Zebba looked up as Blazing Fang strolled casually into view. Despite Blazing
Fang's encounter with the Turmaculus, he looked to the Zebba surprisingly...well,
uneaten, and quite cheerful. The zebba's eyes narrowed in a suspicious glare
that often accompanies appearances by cheerful looking people who shouldn't
really be cheerful looking at all.
"What happened? To the Turmaculus, I mean?"
the Zebba demanded, the moment Blazing Fang was in earshot.
Blazing Fang chuckled. "Nice to see you're so
worried about me," he said with a careless grin. At this, he paused dramatically
before speaking again.
"He's occupied. And should stay so for long
enough to leave. Are you coming, or shall I desert you to your fate?"
The Zebba was not at all satisfied with this
answer, but decided to follow Blazing Fang's instructions anyway. "You didn't..."
"Not at all. I fed him. It's perfectly reasonable
to assume the Turmaculus is a herbivore. After all, nothing that big moves fast
enough to catch prey. Plus the sleeping 24/7 gives him a good chance to digest
all the plant material." Blazing Fang delivered the Zebba a disapproving look.
"I'd have thought you got enough of a look at what his diet consisted of."
At this point of time, it finally occurred to
the Zebba that he had been saved, as opposed to saving himself, which is quite
an uncomfortable feeling. But then the Zebba thought again of the Turmaculus
size, width and the bluntish teeth. Then he thought of his family being proud
of him. Lastly he thought of his family just having him there, instead of being
digested like the rest of the contents in the Turmaculus' stomach.
"Then why did he eat me?" the Zebba snapped,
though to be truthful it lacked a lot of the snappiness of previous versions.
"Why does anyone ever eat anything? You hit
him over the head with a stick."
***
Blazing Fang, protector of creatures everywhere, champion of the defenceless,
and helper of little old ladies across the street, rescued a young Zebba from
the jaws of the Turmaculus today. In his attempts to wake the creature, the
Zebba was swallowed, and only Blazing Fang's bravery and valour made the Turmaculus,
long rumoured to swallow Petpets when in a bad mood, to cough up the terrified
Zebba again. Luring the Turmaculus away, Blazing Fang kept him in the forest
with fruit from the nearby trees while he and the Zebba made their escape...
Poor little guy, Blazing Fang mused, as he relaxed
with a cup of coffee and The Neopian Times. He paused thoughtfully and read
the article again. They didn't give him any credit. Hey, they didn't even mention
his name once. It sure is a tough world out there... even for an aspiring sidekick
like ZebHead332.
The End | 
