|
Author's Note: This story does indeed have to do with prunes. What Shadow Alliance
story doesn't? Contrary to the title, however, this story has absolutely nothing
to do with pie.
Outlast the Pirate Krawk had been camped out in his
prune garden for days. He carefully sculpted each tree with nail scissors so
that the branches and leaves were just so. He had given them precise measurements
of water to the drop. Now that Chaelia, also a pirate Krawk, was no longer hanging
around, he was taking advantage of this and giving his garden the utmost care
that it deserved.
He leaned back against his favorite prune tree,
George, and sighed contentedly. He closed his eyes and dozed lazily. The world
was at peace. Triano was not as into his taking-over-the-world deal as he had
been, prune prices were rising, the Tombola man was paying quite well, and,
best of all… no Chaelia.
Outlast didn't hear the little paws stalking
down the rows of trees until he was whacked in the face by one. He gave out
a yell a rubbed his head, sitting up like a shot. He glared into the pink face
of the Meepit Capone. "What'd you do that for?" he demanded.
"You've got a letter," the Meepit hissed, dropping
the envelope on his lap. She grinned icily. "I think you'll like this one, Krawkie."
With that, she disappeared behind Billy Bob, another of Outlast's prized trees.
Muttering about annoying rodents, Outlast ripped
open the top of the envelope and shook out the letter, neglecting to read the
address on the back. He unfolded it and began to read.
"Dear Outlast,
I know it must be terrible without me there,
but I figure you'll get on by. I hope your pruny-woonies are all right, and
your trees -- what are their names? Jorge and Booby Prize? -- are in perfect
order.
I'd actually like to ask a favor of you.
You see, my little Krawk brother, Sabin, needs a place to stay. I was wondering
if you could possibly watch him for me?
He'll be there in about five minutes. Thanks,
Pruneboy!
Kisses!
Chaelia"
"Whatcha readin'?"
Outlast jumped clear into George's branches,
which, like all Haunted Woods trees, wrapped around him. Only, unlike Haunted
Woods trees, George shuddered. For underneath his leafy, fruit-filled branches
stood a short, big-eyed, innocent-looking Darigan Krawk. Outlast sobbed into
George's leaves.
***
Outlast moaned pitifully in his therapist's chair.
"Can you tell me what happened next?" Dr. Vedwelvenemisherubleeni
the Blumaroo asked sympathetically.
"Well…" Outlast's voice cracked. "I had… just
finished the letter and…" He let out a whimpering sob. "He was right there!
I mean, I… I…" He broke down sobbing and the doctor crossed the room and patted
his back comfortingly as the Krawk sobbed into the couch cushion.
The old Blumaroo stopped suddenly and stared
at the window behind the chair. "Uh… excuse me?" he called to the little Darigan
Krawk who flew haphazardly around the window.
The little Krawk cocked his head at the doctor.
"Whatcha doin'?"
Outlast looked up, his eyes bloodshot and watery.
They widened at the sight of Sabin in the window. "IT'S HIM!" Outlast screeched,
and then, "THAT'S IT! I'M FILING FOR A RESTRAINING ORDER!" He wiped his tears
with the kerchief around his neck and stormed out of the office, leaving Dr.
Vedwelvenemisherubleeni to stand there dumbfounded, blinking at the open door.
***
Outside of Dr. Vedwelvenemisherubleeni's office, Outlast was a raging fury.
No longer a sobbing wreck, he was walking purposefully down Main Street, a little
purple lizard hovering around behind him in every direction.
"Where're you goin'?"
"Go away."
"Why?"
"I hate you."
"Why?"
"Because you're annoying!"
"Oh." Sabin stumbled to a landing and hurried
to catch up to Outlast. "Can I come with you?"
Outlast stopped and eyed the little beast warily.
"Well. I suppose you can, but after that, you'll have to stay a long way away
from me."
"Why?"
"Because Mr. Judge is going to say so."
"But Chaelia said I was supposed to stick with
you and steal all your prunes," Sabin said in complete innocence.
Outlast stiffened and turned on Chaelia's brother.
"Chaelia isn't exactly the greatest role model in the world. Do you listen to
everything Chaelia says?"
"Most of the time. Except when she tells me
to eat dung. I don't really like dung."
Outlast rubbed his face with a hand and sighed.
"Don't you have a mind of your own?"
"What's that?"
Outlast sighed once again, but, as they had
begun moving again, stopped at a regal looking stone building sporting the ever-elegant
words, "NEOPIAN COURTHOUSE -- You Sue 'Em, We Jail 'Em", and went inside one
of the two revolving doors. He stepped out and walked purposefully up to the
front desk when he was alerted by a loud repetition of "Whee!"s. Turning around,
he saw Sabin, spinning around and around in the revolving door going at an insane
speed. Muttering under his breath, Outlast stopped by the door and held out
his hooked hand, catching the door that Sabin blinked up at him from.
"That was fun! Can I do it again?" he said excitedly.
"No," Outlast growled, dragging him out by the
arm.
As he turned back around, he realized several
dozen of the people in line were staring at them while trying to appear as if
they were not staring at him, but were clearly staring quite curiously at the
pair of Krawks. "What're you looking at?" he growled menacingly, and there was
a cough in unison from all onlookers, before they politely turned away and began
to chatter about everyday things like, "Why is the sky blue?", "Do I smell like
cheese?", and "Are Krawks crazy?"
Continuing to mutter in anger, Outlast snatched
Sabin just as he was about to try and pick around at the contents of the trash,
and dragged him into the line. After a long wait, he got to the front desk.
"I'd like to file for a restraining order," he told the Faerie Kyrii at the
desk.
The Kyrii looked at him boredly and popped her
bubble gum. "Who's your lawyer?"
Outlast stared at her blankly. "Look, I'm just
trying to get him --" he shoved Sabin forward, who was staring at a Buzzer that
was zooming around the room, "to stay away from me."
The Kyrii looked at him like he was crazy. "Why?"
"Because -- just look at him!" He almost threw
Sabin over the desk. "Nothing good can come from anything that good-looking!"
The woman at the desk stared, and then sighed,
"You're right. I thought you were handsome until I found out you were insane."
Outlast's eyes bulged out of his head in rage.
Grabbing Sabin by the arm again, he dragged him out of the Courthouse, muttering
about incompetence.
***
Back at the NeoHome, Sabin finally ran away from Outlast to go chase after
my blue Kougra, Atkiera's tail while she chased butterflies in the yard. Muttering
up the walk, Outlast passed Mutter, a Fire Kyrii, who was muttering as well,
and stopped.
"Hello. How are you?" they said in unison. They
both shrugged, muttered, and walked on.
Just before he could reach the front door, Garudi,
the fire Pteri, stormed out.
"Yo, yo, mah homie brotha! 'Sup, dawg? Yo, me
an' mah G was in da crib…" he began, but Outlast cut him off.
"A real language, please."
Garudi opened his mouth, and a look of comprehension
dawned on his face, and he began again. "¡Hola, mi hermano! ¿Qué pasa?"
"ENGLISH!" Outlast screeched, and Garudi fell
over.
"All right, all right!" the Tyrannian bird squawked,
and got back to his feet, fluffing his feathers indignantly and beginning once
more. "Flippie G and I were in the Home and saw a segment in the newpaper for
an update on prune prices on page one. We thought you might be interested to
know that."
"Thank you," Outlast said, hiding his excitement
well. He definitely hoped that his prunes would be worth even more than they
already were.
A smile broke out on the beak of the Pteri in
front of him, and Garudi slouched back and waved a wing up in the air. "Yo,
yo, Flippie G, mah homie! Wassup?" With that, he slid down the walkway looking
as if he had just broken his leg.
Outlast didn't notice, he was rushing inside,
knowing fully well that it was past six o'clock. He ran into Capone's lounge,
snatching the newspaper off of the table.
"In other news, evidence has come from the widely-regarded
guru of Lupe theories, Lupologist Al_the_Chia has some shocking evidence that
reveals that some Lupes may be controlled by aliens. Turn to page 3 for more
on this story…"
Outlast fidgeted impatiently while turning the
pages. Quite frankly, he didn't much care if Lupes were controlled by a mother
ship or being cloned into super-beings, he just wanted to see the prunes.
"Outside of Lupology, we have an insane increase
in prune prices. It seems that hundreds of prune farmers are mysteriously losing
their crop, resulting in a rocketing price in prunes. The Tiki Tack Man may
want to be a bit more careful on how he gives away those dried prunes! As of
now, a single dried prune is worth a record two hundred Neopoints per prune!
Talk about crazy!"
Outlast gave a stereotypically shrill, girlish
scream of joy and leapt around the room, knocking over several lamps and end
tables, finally resulting in the remaining members of the Shadow Alliance to
stand in the door and stare at him.
He waved his silver hook in the air. "What're
you reading?"
Triano, a Pepito, raised an eyebrow. "From this
moment on, I'm Sabin's petpet."
***
After he got over the excitement of the prune prices and the insanely high
profit he was going to make, Outlast skipped off to his warehouse next to his
prune garden to check on his stock. The humidity, air pressure, and temperature
were all carefully measured to make sure that the stored prunes would be able
to last for centuries, if need be. He went over each padded barrel and box,
gazing fondly at his prunes, and greeting his greatest creations -- the flying
prunes and the Prunemobile, a giant prune with wheels that was equipped with
plenty of gadgets including blinding lights, prune guns that shot dried prunes,
flying prunes, or prune juice, etc, etc.
After turning on the sprinklers for his beloved
trees, Outlast walked easily and happily to the Shadow Alliance NeoHome. The
place looked like it had been made from silverware, as its walls were made of
the recycled aforementioned items. This was rather a good thing considering
the entire thing (aside from the windows) was stainless, and the popping, disgusting-looking
bog on the right-hand side of the NeoHome could not pop its brownish contents
on the side of the NeoHome for one of the members of SA (which would be Outlast)
to scrub off daily. The windows were basically bombproof, with screens that
could withstand a Pteri hurtling down from 1,000 feet in the air. Which is a
fact, considering Garudi and Flippie G had tried it, resulting in a trip to
the Healing Springs. For the first time ever, the Water Faerie demanded a fee,
and Gryphon, maintainer of the Shadow Alliance, ended up with a greatly depleted
bank account. Nothing of that sort had been tried again.
However, just as Outlast stepped inside the
door, he had the most dreadful, prominent premonition. He decided to take one
last check on his prunes. Walking back across the grassy side of the NeoHome,
Outlast went through his trees and found nothing out of order. But once he opened
the doors to the warehouse, he was greeted by emptiness. His eyes widened and
his jaw dropped in horror. His prunes were gone.
Running back into the NeoHome, he screamed for
Sabin. He found him with Atkiera and Rhinopox, an Island Kougra and Tonu, with
the eerily dark Scorchio, Gavdrael, hidden underneath the deep hood of his black
cloak in the corner, his shimmering sword held point-down in his hands. Sabin
was playing Cheat! with the others and a stuffed Quiggle.
Outlast pointed a shaking hook at the young
Krawk, his eyes wild, his mane poking out in every direction. He was a mess.
"You," he gasped. "You stole my prunes!"
Sabin looked behind him and up at Outlast blankly.
"Hiya, Uncle Outlast. Whatcha doin'?"
Atkiera and Rhino looked up at him as well,
and he could have sworn Gavi's hood jerked up just a little bit. Atkiera blinked
at him, and Rhino continued to have his regular goofy grin on his face, but
he still cocked his head at the intruding Krawk. "But, Outlast, Sabin's been
with me all day."
"Then who stole my prunes?! After all, he was
trained by Chaelia. He's pure evil!" Outlast hissed.
Atkiera shrugged. "But he's been with me. We
weren't near your garden or anything." Sabin nodded vigorously, his wings flapping
with him.
Outlast looked between all four card players,
including the plushie, glaring at each. He snorted angrily when he saw them
all looking at him with innocence. His head jerked up when Gavdrael lifted his
arm, exposing his dark gray and infinitely black hand. He motioned for Outlast
to leave. Clearly, when Gavdrael got involved, he did not lie. Outlast left
in a state of shaky panic. He stumbled down the hall to Triano's office, the
door open just a crack, and waited for his conversation with Gryphon to be over
impatiently.
He peeked in and shuffled his feet in impatience.
"We want your muffin, Gryphon," Triano was demanding.
"No! Not Über Evil Muffin!" Gryphon cried, hugging
a caped red muffin close to her chest. The little green bird on her shoulder
leaned forward and tried to chew on its horns, but they twitched and the bird
jumped with a squawk.
"We only need him to take over the world, and
then we'll give him back!"
She looked wildly about the room, floundering.
"B-b-but... he has a wife and children!"
"HE'S A MUFFIN!"
"They have feelings, too!" she wailed, and fled
from the NeoHome, sobbing. Outlast, hardly having enough time to move, fell
over against the wall as she ran. Humans.
Outlast stormed into the room without introduction.
"Someone stole my prunes!"
"Eh?" Triano the Pepito blinked up at the Neopet
from the desk.
"I asked Sabin, but he didn't do it. Cheddar
cheeses, Triano, someone stole my prunes!" Outlast wailed. "My babies!"
Triano stared at him in disbelief. "Who would
want them?"
"Triano!" Outlast screamed, stepping forward
lift up his petpet and shake him. "This is my life we're talking about here!
What do you mean, 'Who would want them?' Who wouldn't?!"
"All right, all right! I'll ask Mareni to do
an investigation. Does that suite you?" Triano sighed.
Outlast took a deep breath and set the Pepito
down. "Fine. But they'd better find my prunes!" He turned on his heel and began
to walk out, hearing Triano yell, "And don't touch me again!" as he did.
***
The investigation for Outlast's prunes had started almost immediately. Not
by Triano's choice, mind you, but because Outlast prodded him and the Green
Doglefox, Mareni, until they did. Half of Mareni's entire employed staff were
either snooping around in Outlast's garden or warehouse or were contacting their
contacts for information on the street.
There wasn't a trace of the thieves.
"Can't we just call in Dark Night?" Outlast
wailed in Triano's office the next day.
Triano bristled. "No," he said flatly. "Besides,
the guy's retired or something, thankfully."
Outlast continued to wail while Triano boredly
flipped through Sloth Life magazine, when there was an uproar outside that managed
to pierce through the impenetrable glass of the windows. Outlast immediately
stopped wailing, but Triano didn't notice. He had long since installed earplugs
in the side of his head, not knowing where exactly to find his ears. Either
way, he succeeded in blocking out sound. It wasn't until Outlast was running
out the door that Triano raised his head.
Outside the NeoHome, Sabin was flying happily
around in every direction, gnawing on a dried prune. Beyond him, two scummy-looking
Kacheeks were being handcuffed by the most superior-looking people of Mareni's
investigators. Barrels and boxes of prunes and a prune-like car sat around them.
Outlast rushed forward and snatched Sabin's tail, dragging him down, as he came
slightly lower.
"What-- how-- where--?" Outlast sputtered.
Sabin grinned widely. "Chaelia told me only
I was allowed to steal the prunes." He puffed himself up and tried to look important.
Outlast blinked. "You found them? How?"
Sabin blinked. "You didn't know? Prune & Sons
are the bestest prune thieves in the businessessess…ess… Well, next to sister,
of course." He grinned again.
Outlast was stupefied. A team of the top investigators
this side of good couldn't find a trace of the thieves. A small, big-eyed, innocent-looking,
mildly stupid Darigan Krawk tracked them down and got them back to the scene
of the crime, but only because he wanted to steal them himself. Outlast turned
and banged his head on Billy Bob. There is no end to the torment of a prune
farmer -- especially one in a group trying to take over the world.
The End
Author's Note: The characters of this story are scattered, but most of them
are in the account KrimsonTears in case you'd like to take a look at them. Sabin
does not belong to me, but to a friend, and is currently a lab pet and not yet
a Darigan Krawk as is intended. Most of these characters, due to my inability
to keep NP in my pocket, have not actually been painted.
| 
