Neopia's Greatest Eaters by bluescorchio104 |  |
NEOPIA CENTRAL - In case you're wondering, no, this is NOT an article about
the Neopians at the top of the Gourmet Club high-score table. It is, in fact,
about something MUCH more important. (Maybe I should stop USING CAPITAL LETTERS
SO OFTEN) This article is concentrated on the three biggest eaters in Neopia.
They are: The Turmaculus, who has been much publicised lately, the Esophagor,
a rather scary monster who eats Elephantes for light snacks, and of course,
the largely unknown Mumbo Pango, the tropical god who employs the Kitchen Quest
Chef.
The Turmaculus
Ah, probably the only Petpet cannibal in all of Neopia. At least, I think
so. Anyway, this guy apparently grew to HUMUNGOUS size after eating everything
in sight. Now, the poor guy can't even move an inch. His legs are useless for
carrying such a heavy load. He resides in Meridell, where Petpets and their
owners come from far and wide in hope for a healing spell, nice gift, or even
the most coveted prize of all, a Petpet level up. Why is this Petpet level up
so significant, you may ask. Well, in the Battledome, if your Petpet happens
to be Level 2, and you have the good luck to have he/she help you out, the damage
you inflict will be doubled. That's right, doubled. If you have a Petpet Level
3, you could do thrice the damage, and if you have a Level 4 Petpet, the damage
will be quadrupled. Keep in mind however, that the Turmaculus is the one and
only way to get a Petpet level up. And since that once it is put into your shop,
your Petpet will automatically revert back to level one, no amount of NP can
possibly buy a Petpet level up. This makes it even more rare and prestigious.
However, every time you try to wake up the Turmaculus, you run the chance of
letting your Petpet getting eaten. No way I'm letting my super-expensive Petpet
near him! Well, if I had a super-expensive Petpet, anyway. The Turmaculus is
famous for these strange, uh, eating preferences. Once, he ate a record of 67
Petpets in one bite. There were 9 Babaas, 2 Tigermice, a single Zebba, 12 Donksaurs,
5 Mallards, 3 Wadjets, 6 Scados, 11 Huggys (who apparently thought hugging the
Turmaculus was a good idea), 9 Pincerons (who tried to wake up the Turmaculus
by pinching it), 4 Fungrees (they accidentally bounced into his mouth) and to
top it all off, 5 purple Melvies. Oh, did I also mention that on that very same
day, there were record numbers of Piles of Dung scattered around Meridell? What
a strange coincidence. I reckon the Turmaculus needs a dietician and fitness
instructor, and definitely lay off the fatty Petpets. He's probably a result
of some twisted experiment conducted by Doctor Sloth, involving Petpets and
Supersize Gargantuplex. But who knows? Maybe that magical Meridell Orb that
can make crops and, erm, stuff grow made the Turmaculus grow?
My opinion of the Turmaculus: Really, really, bad breath. Needs to
go and eat a breath mint. Or a really minty Petpet.
Bluefire104's opinion of the Turmaculus: Fashion designer's nightmare.
I mean, that kind of purple with that kind of yellow?
Anonymous source's opinion of the Turmaculus: What does this guy do
again?
Doriak's (Bluefire104's Baby Fireball) opinion of the Turmaculus: CANNIBAL!!!
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ALL PETPETS!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!
The Esophagor
The Esophagor lives in the Haunted Woods, eating any Neopets that stroll by.
Just by reading that first sentence, you can tell he's not a nice guy. As I've
said a million times before (well, maybe half a million times) this guy has
some weird link to Edna the Witch, and the Brain Tree. If you didn't know that,
you obviously haven't read any of my article concerning or mentioning the subject.
As you know, you can be arrested for not reading my articles. Have you read
all of my articles? I thought not. Okay, Chia Police, get over, and arrest this
lawbreaking Neopian citizen. Yeah, the one reading The Neopian Times. Muhahahaha!!!!!
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. The Esophagor is nasty. The Esophagor is
mean. The Esophagor is hungry for Neopet flesh. The Esophagor, um, erm, does
other stuff which I can't remember at the moment. But the point is, he eats
EVERYTHING. Even The Neopian Times you're reading right now. That is, if he
can manage to steal it from you. Which is impossible of course, because right
now you're absolutely riveted to my article. Which happens to be so engrossing
and interesting, that you make it your life's ambition to dedicate a memorial
to my legendary work. Yup. Okay, so maybe not. The point I'm trying to make
here is that he likes eating stuff. Including you. He's eaten every species
of Neopet, in every colour, in every shade of purplish-green. If there was a
purplish-green paint brush, that is. Why, I remember the time he ate an unfortunate
Elephante herd, consisting of about 798 Elephantes, that were running away from
a mischievous Tigermouse that had stolen some Elephante-Away from Shuggu the
omelette defender. Not to mention the fact that the Esophagor even had room
for seconds. To be exact, the seconds were 69 Tonus and a small packet of Economy
Jelly Beans. Strangely enough, the Esophagor appears to have no teeth. Weird,
huh? I think he probably has super-ultra-mega strong salivary acid, which helps
him digest his food instantly. I'm not completely sure though. I'm about to
check either, unless I suddenly decide to pursue my life-long ambition of becoming
a Neopian sandwich, made with a real Neopian patty and secret recipe mustard.
My opinion of the Esophagor: Go vegetarian, ya big lump of Neopet-eating
dung. No, I was just kidding Mr Esophagor sir, hehehe, noooooooo don't eat me!
Bluefire104's opinion of the Esophagor: He nearly took my tail off last
week. And I did two quests for him and all I got from the Brain Tree was a lousy
Bearog. Darn con artist. He's worse than a scammer.
Anonymous source's opinion of the Esophagor: Who's the Esophagor?
Victim of Esophagor picnic: ....
Mumbo Pango
Definitely one of the lesser-known beings in this article, (and the one I know
least about) Mumbo Pango can be found by going to the Kitchen Quest page, then
clicking Mumbo Pango link. He apparently has a meal every five minute, and so
his poor chef works night and day to feed him. Poor guy. The chef, I mean, not
Mumbo Pango. You can apparently please the great, all-powerful, all-seeing,
almighty, yada yada yada Pango Pango by presenting strange combinations of items
at the Cooking Pot. If the items please him, you will be rewarded with an item
that is the result of all your submitted items combined. Do you see any relation?
Pango Pango-Mumbo Pango. Both have the same last name, which could very possibly
mean they're related to each other. And if Pango Pango is a god, would that
mean Mumbo Pango is one too? Or is he just a demigod or something? One thing
I find weird is, if he's a god/demigod, why does he need to eat food? I smell
a conspiracy here...and besides, Mumbo Pango like to eat lots of stuff, and
Pango Pango has a magical cooking pot in his honour. What's it with the Pango
family and food? Keep in mind however, that Mumbo Pango and Pango Pango may
not be related. I mean, there are thousands of Mr/Mrs/Ms Smiths in the world,
but it doesn't mean they're all related. But then again, Pango isn't exactly
a common surname.
My opinion of Mumbo Pango: Who the heck would wear a Hawaiian shirt
like that?!?! Wait a minute, he's not wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Oh well, I've
always wanted to say that anyway.
Bluefire104's opinion of Mumbo Pango: Needs foot deodorant.
Anonymous sources opinion of Mumbo Pango: Fat and ugly.
Kitchen Chef's opinion of Mumbo Pango: I wish he would appreciate my
unique culinary efforts more. All he does is laze around all day stuffing his
big fat godly face. Once he used vinegar on one of my speciality Musho Mushy
omelette salads! Vinegar! Completely destroys the palate in my opinion. *Sniffs
haughtily*
Also, one other strange thing. Is there a connection between all three of these
celebrities? All are the only one of their kind, and all eat despicable things.
The Esophagor eats Neopets, the Turmaculus eats Petpets, and Mumbo Pango likes
eating freaky concoctions made by his chef. Maybe in a way, they are all connected.
Maybe the Esophagor is really a Neopet. In that case, maybe the Turmaculus is
the Esophagor's Petpet. If that's all true, maybe Mumbo Pango is the Esophagor's
owner? Maybe, in a twisted way, those three record eaters (meaning they set
records by eating, not that they actually eat records) are actually a reflection
upon ever day Neopian life. There's the three basic ingredients of Neopia- The
owner, the Neopet, and of course the Petpet. Strange when you actually think
about it, huh? Really the only difference between ordinary Neopians and them
are our size and eating habits. The only flaw in my flawless theory (well, practically
flawless theory) is that the Esophagor is nothing like a Neopet. But who cares
about a tiny detail like that? Anyway, that's what I think about the three biggest
eaters in Neopia. See ya later! |
