The Classified Ads

by tennmagpie

Note from Someone Pretending to be the Editor: We at The Neopian Times are falling a bit behind on Neopoints, so we've introduced a new section for people to place their advertisements, called (creatively) the classified ads- just like the Notice Board, only less expensive. Here you go: an entire section devoted to some made-up ads promoting things that don't exist. Wow, what is Neopia coming to?

Another Note From Someone Who Is Still Pretending To Be The Editor: Oh yeah, all these addresses are fake. Our first clients failed to provide proper contact information, so we just made it up. Don't mail 'em. Thanks.

Ahoy, landlubbers! Would ye like to climb aboard one o' the greatest (well, at least it be one o' the smelliest...) vessels ever t'sail above the briny deep? Arr, ye be'n luck, for the ship Roboto (it be named after Krawk Island's Deckball master, don't ye know!) be in need o' cabinboys/cabinlasses! Requirements: 1. Arr, ye must be older'n 1337 hours before we'll consider ye! 2. Gettin' yer claws on a Pirate Paint Brush ain't required, but ye may want one t'fit in better. 3. Ye must talk like a pirate! Iff'n ye ain't got perfect control over the pirate language yet (like me...), just bellow "Arr!" before an' after every sentence an' no one'll know the difference. Drop a bit o' parchment with yer name on it at

meh iz wantingz teh gramor tootorz niomial meh -t3h1337357d00d

NEOPETS MERCHANDISE ON SALE AT UNLIMITED THREE! We have Neopets refrigerators, Neopets trampolines, Neopets paper clips, Neopets beds, Neopets wallpaper, Neopets dictionaries, Neopets desk lamps, Neopets rocks, Neopets furniture, Neopet dung (fresh!), Neopets: The Musical, Neopets bricks, Neopets ice cream, Neopets inner shoe pads, Neopets Petpet Wear, Neopets Petpetpet Wear, Neopets Plushie Wear, Neopets chests of drawers, Neopets toe covers, Neopets computer with Purpple Operating System and Poogle Printer, AND MORE! PLUS, enter the "Win More Obscure Merchandise " contest, only at UNLIMITED THREE! See us in the Neopian Bizarre, conveniently located near the Neopian Bazaar.

Chet Flash, Inc.

We Do a Good Job (TM)

Leave your Neopet at the counter. No, I am not a Mootix! Can't you see I'm a Zytch? HI, I'm Joe, and I know the Faerie Queen. Yum, Transmogrification Potions! PINK AND GREEN AND PURPLE AND ORANGE AND BLUE AND YELLOW! WHEEEE! (This Message Brought To You by the Mr. Insane Fan Club)

The Neopian Classic Theatre proudly presents Draikspeare's Flotsamlet at 9:00 PM on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th days of the Month of Celebrating. Tickets on sale now!

As author of "Dear Adee," I must say that I get a lot of odd visits from those who decide to ask my advice. Now, I have been fired to make room for this new section, but I would like to address something people often asked me when my doorbell started ringing. Jelly World does not exist! Every week, I got a veritable world of questions about this fictional land. The people said, "It does exist! It really is real!" But Jelly World does not exist! As we tell you time and time and time again, it's all nonsense! It cannot, will not, must not, couldn't be true! Ring my doorbell if you want my help- even though it will no longer be published within this newspaper. Thank you. --Adee the Chia

Join the "I Create Guilds On Whims" Guild! We have everything my past 323 guilds had. Council positions open! Join today!

olleH, sodnurG fo aipeoN! I ma gnitsoh a noitnevnoc rof lla su relletsretni srelevart ta ym emoheoN, 110011 racecaR daoR, aipeoN lartneC no eht ht9 FO eht htnoM FO gnitarbeleC. llA era emoclew!

Chias wanted for "The Hungry Lupe." We offer three-course meals. If you are the Jelly Chia, you are especially welcome at our restaurant- um, place of business. Strawberry Chias are good, too, but actually, any Chia will be great. If not a Chia, please bring Chia Flour, as we allow all our... um... employees to have snacks and we respect your health enough to want you to eat something wholesome. (Really, we want you to be healthy. Some of us are trying to avoid junk food.)

Hi1 We are 'Aces good editors. Sind yore stotr to us b4 u sned it 2 the Noepian Timse and well find al the tipos and stuf. We almsot never make mistake's. Use "u's!"

held! im tr ab ded in the neoqia n t imes office! IM he re at the ne wspress stam qing out thi s message! bl ease co me and s ave m e ! ple as e!

The Boochi Support Group: Help for the Unwillingly Zapped

Join us every Friday in the playpen. No pacifiers except in lobby.

GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE! We at "The Island Chef" are going out of business due to kidnapp- um, I mean, the cast of the moon and such. So, we're selling all our quest items at reduced price! Hurry, we're going fa- um, I mean, our merchandise is going fast! Located on Mystery Island in one of the hundreds of grass huts. You can tell it's ours because it's a slightly different shade of golden yellow. Come by and buy today, before they get US, too! Hurry!

Garage Sale! 1200 Happy Icy Fun Road. Ask for Mika and Carassa. No Lupes allowed.

Jelly Paintbrush For Sale! More and more Neopets are becoming paintable with this rare brush, so buy yours today! Only 199,999 Neopoints! (Warning: Possible side effects include loss of balance, depression if denied peanut butter, a possible allergy to self if fruit jelly, mold if not refrigerated, bounciness, severe hunger attacks, stickiness, an aversion to mouths, possible melting if not wearing strong sunblock, loss of ability to fly in airborne Neopets due to limp wings, and a rather nice smell.) (Complete list of items for sale: jelly paint brush, strawberry paint brush, and the very exclusive strawberry Jelly paint brush)

Looking to buy one (1) magical orb to insure tranquility in country. Will pay one million (1,000,000) marrows for said orb. Just drop by the castle. Humor greatly appreciated. --King Skarl

Looking to get rid of one (1) magical orb to insure tranquility in country. Will pay one million (1,000,000) Neopoints to anyone who will take said orb. Just drop by the Citadel. Marrows greatly appreciated... yum, marrows. --Lord Darigan

Found: One large golden statue of a Snotburger. If yours, you are very odd.

The Interview with the Igloo Chias “Oh yes, we do still intend to move. But as you can see, our garage sale is a huge success and we haven’t sold all our stuff yet." by deke_plushies

Carry on, Doctor Sloth! Calm down, there’s enough Sloth for everyone. I usually don’t believe in trequels but I believe it is my duty to please the fans. by plushieowner

You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Pout…. Well, Halloween is over and that means has Bruces are testing their ice skating skills, and Usuls are gathering fruit. Christmas is closer then you think. by wizardgurl16

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