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Episode 3
Sam: Hey hey, and welcome back to the Paperclip Show, the show where
our two horribly menacing hosts kidnap famous Neopian characters and coerce
them into spitting their most guarded secrets!
Keet and Sam: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Keet: I just love our little spiel, don't you? Well, we now present
you with Neopia's biggest pile of, erm, sludge -- THE ESOPHAGOR!
Several pets with masks drag out a large sack and dump it onto the floor.
The contents ooze out onto the floor and plants itself next to the hosts.
Sam: Hey there, 'Sophs. You ready for a fun-filled block of unrelenting
cruel questions?
Esophagor: o.O;; No.
Keet: Good, that's what I like to hear. And audience, please remember
to refrain from laughing loudly if our guest begins to cry.
Sam: Yes, do it quietly. >D
Keet: But of course. The first question comes from lego12340, who asks,
"Do you always turn innocent Kacheeks into mutant slaves for minding their own
business in the Haunted Woods?"
Esophagor: Well, I didn't really mean to. See, he looked so cuddly and
soft, so I reached out to pet him.
Audience: Awwww...
Esophagor: Unfortunately, everything I touch turns to ugliness, and
he became a mutant. So I figured nobody would love him like that and made him
work for me by using his hope that I would un-mutate him if he was a good servant.
Little does he know that I can't. *cackles*
Keet: Everything you touch turns to ugliness, you say?
Esophagor: *nods*
Sam: Lovely. *edges away* Our next question comes from oddlittlesnowflake.
"How did you get to the paperclip show if you are stuck in the ground?"
Esophagor: *scratches chin-like blob on face* Well, I have no idea,
really. Those pets in masks scooped me up in a big sack and dumped me out here.
Keet: How disgustingly wonderful. _Penguins4ever_ asks, "Can you not
eat me if I give you a squashed turnip between two slabs of racoon droppings?"
Esophagor: Deal. But I want the turnip rotten and the droppings fresh.
Keet, Sam, and Audience: Ewwwwww!
_Penguins4life_: *dashes out on stage and hands Esophagor turnip-dung
sandwich* Pleasure doing business with you. *runs off*
Sam: *watching Esophagor* You're not gonna put that in your mouth...
Esophagor: *eats sandwich*
Keet: Ya did. Now that's just gross.
Sam: Hmmm, my mind needs un-scarring. But let's move on to chitka202's
question, anyway. "Why would any one want to give a piece of dirt like you food?
Does dirt need food, anyway?"
Esophagor: I'm not dirt! Why does everyone think I'm dirt?
Chikta202: *pokes head out from behind curtain* Because you look like
dirt! *sitcks out tongue and disappears*
Esophagor: Ah, makes sense. And I think it's painfully obvious that
I do need lots of food. Painful for me, when my stomach begins to churn for
bat cookies and ghost pancakes. Mmmmmm, and slime cream...*drools*
Keet: Ewww, 'Soph drool! *looks at card* Ooh, and this question from
laura3105 makes things even ickier. "If you are stuck in the ground, yet you
eat so much, how do you go to the toilet!?"
Esophagor: Simple. I excrete my waste in the form of gas.
Sam: *grins evilly* So you have gas?
Esophagor: If I say no would you leave it at that?
Keet: Nope.
Esophagor: Can I leave yet?
Sam: Just a few more questions, oh gaseous one. "You've been eating
constantly for several thousand years, but you don't look particularly overweight.
What's your secret to staying slim?" asks wackypanda.
Esophagor: I'm glad you asked. *pulls out jar* I use SLIMPLEX, the only
fat reducer on the Neopian market! Made from real Elephante toe clippings, SLIMPLEX
is the quick and easy way to make those unsightly fat deposits disappear! *cheesy
grin*
Wackypanda: *prances up to Esophagor, steals jar, and prances off*
Keet: Y'know, we're being overrun by questioners today. What's up with
that?
Sam: *shrugs* I guess they want a piece of the action as well.
Esophagor: Does anyone have any blush?
Keet: What, you wear blush?
Esophagor: No, I eat it.
Keet: Which is why I'm just going to skip ahead to the final question
of the show, from me and Sam. What connection do you have to Dr. Sloth?
Esophagor: Sloth, Sloth... Frank Sloth? He's a great uncle. You see,
my grandmother's sister married a--
Sam: You know what? Suddenly, I don't care anymore. Well, that's all
for this week's episode of The Paperclip Show. Thanks go out to everyone who
asked questions, the great Hika and Doodles, and our wonderful guest.
Keet: Remember to send in questions to me, karateetee, for next week's
guest, Dr_Death! You know, that sneering Techo bloke from the old comic strips.
Thank you, and goodnight. Day. Whatever.
The hosts scamper offstage, followed by the Esophagor, slowly sloshing off
after them.
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