Heroes Of Neopia: Judge Hog by bluescorchio104 |  |
Untitled Document
GAMES ROOM - Having faced the most terrifying monsters of all time, (see 'The
Evil Neopet Interviews') and as a result having three heart attacks, one liver
failure and countless nightmares, not to mention psychological counselling, I
decided that maybe it would be better if instead of interviewing scary, nasty,
want-to-bite-your-head-off-and-conquer-Neopia monsters, I should interview the
very Neopians whose fearless, heroic acts have triumphed over evil creatures.
So, I decided to write this series, aptly named 'Heroes of Neopia'. So, I better
get on with it, for this time I shall be discovering more about Judge Hog.
Having decided to research Judge Hog, I, accompanied by my only completely
sane Neopet, (a Scorchio named Bluefire104, whose colour and species inspired
my username) went straight to the Defenders of Neopia building, where hero wannabes
flock to receive assignments, and conquer the evil creatures of Neopia. Upon
entering the building, I was completely, utterly, absolutely, totally, fully,
entirely, enormously underwhelmed. Trust me, The Ritz it ain't. The drab, dull
lobby, its floor covered with thin grey fluff which I assumed was carpet, was
in stark contrast to my vision of the marble tiled, bright, cheery lobby that
I had expected. After confidently walking over to the receptionist (who was
reading an old copy of Neopian Times Issue Three), I didn't even have time to
get halfway through my question before she pointed me in the direction of a
scratched wooden door, complete with frosted glass pane. Strolling over to the
door, Bluefire104 close behind, I turned the brass knob, and stepped through
the door, to be faced with the long queue of Neopians, all accompanied by various
Neopets and some clutching Defender of Neopia trophies, all apparently eager
to talk to the rather grumpy-looking Aisha manning the wooden desk. With a sigh
of disappointment, I joined the queue, and braced myself for a long wait. I
noted the Neopians in the queue talk to the grumpy-looking Aisha, show her their
Defender of Neopia trophies (if they had any), and take a small slip of colored
paper. They then proceeded to a plain looking door, which they passed through.
Finally, (after three hours, forty-seven minutes and twenty-one and a half seconds
to be exact) I reached the head of the queue, and talked to the Aisha. In a
tired voice, she asked "Is this your first time?".
"My first time for what?" I replied, slightly bewildered.
" I'll take that as a yes" the Aisha frostily remarked, and handed me a yellow
slip of paper, which I took, and after I stood there for a while looking confused,
the Aisha, with a dramatic sigh, pointed in the direction of the door which
the others had passed through. I hesitantly walked to the door, and came face
to face with Judge Hog. He abruptly grabbed the slip of paper from my hand,
read the scribbled message on it, cleared his throat, and announced " Snorkle
workle fork zork caputti snarfle carg". Well, at least that's what it sounded
like to me, but then again, I wasn't exactly paying much attention. After Bluefire104
filled me in on what Judge Hog had actually said, I hastily said, "Huh? I don't
want to fight the Pant Devil, I just want to.."
"Enough!" snapped Judge Hog. "If you wanted an autograph, well too bad. But
if you beat the Pant Devil, I'll give you the trophy in person." I opened my
mouth to tell him that I didn't want an autograph, just an interview, then thought
better of it. I closed my mouth with a snap, and backed off, thinking that maybe
if I could get an interview if I asked him while receiving the trophy by beating
the Pant Devil. Besides, it was the perfect opportunity to acquire one more
shiny trophy for my trophy cabinet. With Bluefire104 close behind, I exited
the Defenders of Neopia building, and made my way to my Safety Deposit Box at
the bank, where I took out some weapons and equipped Bluefire104 with them.
From there we trekked to the Battledome. Once there, Bluefire104 and I scheduled
a battle with the Pant Devil and got an immediate response. After a heated battle
and a few good whacks with Bluefire104's trusty Attack Fork, the Pant Devil
was knocked out and down for the count. You could practically see the little
birdies and stars circling his head. I took Bluefire104 to the Healing Springs,
and then we triumphantly strode back to the Defenders of Neopia building, where
Bluefire104 and I went straight to the receptionist, who pointed us in the direction
of a staircase. After walking up the steep staircase, we were greeted by a huge,
polished oak door bearing a brass plaque, in which was inscribed the words-
'Judge Hog's Office. Do not disturb unless you are bringing Kau Kau Farm Milk
and cookies.' Amused by this strange message, I boldly pushed open the door
and walked in, despite the fact I had no milk or cookies with me. Sitting on
a luxurious, customized Cow Print Chair, was Judge Hog, stuffing his face with
cookies, and gulping down Kau Kau Farm Milk. I stood there, and noisily cleared
my throat. After a few minutes, he noticed my presence, and quickly looked up,
causing one of his tusks to knock over his glass of Kau Kau Farm Milk. After
hastily wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his superhero costume, Judge Hog
hurriedly mopped up the spilt milk with a few important-looking documents. I
asked for my reward for beating the Pant Devil (obviously the trophy), while
trying not to smirk at Judge Hog's situation. "Your trophy? Oh, just wait a
second, civilian." With that, he crossed the room to a large cupboard, and pulled
out a trophy from the dozens stacked on the shelves. Smiling proudly, Judge
Hog announced "Good work, defender of Neopia. You have taken the first step
towards fighting all crime, destroying all evil, eating all cookies, obliterating
all wicked-"
At this point, I rather rudely butted in "Uh, excuse me Judge Hog, but I didn't
really come here to fight evil. I just wanted an interview." Judge Hog looked
a bit put out that I had interrupted him (but if I hadn't he would've rambled
on all day), so I kindly added, "I want do the interview because I've heard
so much about your, uh, great crime fighting ability, and your, um, fantastic
cookie eating skill. That's right, isn't it, Bluefire104?" Bluefire104 nodded
his head enthusiastically.
"Is that why?" Judge Hog inquired, looking a bit surprised "In that case,
I'd love to do an interview, civilian."
Bluescorchio104: Great, for starters, my name is not 'civilian'
Judge Hog: Whatever you say, civilian.
Bluescorchio104: *sighs* Anyway, where did you get that costume from?
Judge Hog: *blushes* I'd rather not tell.
Bluescorchio104: Oh, why not. You can tell me.
Judge Hog: Oh, fine. To tell you the truth *looks around suspiciously* my
parents made it for me.
Bluescorchio104: Your parents! *barely restrains laughter**whispers to Bluefire104*
What is she, colour-blind?
Bluefire104: *chuckles quietly*
Judge Hog: What was that, civilian?
Bluescorchio104: Oh, nothing. I was just saying how nice the costume looked
on you. By the way, were the underpants on the outside your parent's innovation?
Judge Hog: *looks proud* No. I actually added it myself. A nice touch, don't
you think?
Bluescorchio104: Certainly. What gave the idea for wearing your underpants
on the outside, anyway?
Judge Hog: My childhood hero. *gets a dreamy look in his eyes* His name was
Captain Ultra Buzz. Faster than a bolt of lightning, smarter than a Book Award
champion, stronger than the Monoceraptor. He was my hero.
Bluescorchio104: Wow. Sounds like quite an idol.
Judge Hog: He sure was. Then NTV took him off the cartoon channel.
Bluescorchio104: Oh.
Judge Hog: That was when I decided to become a hero, not just watch one. I
came up with this great outfit, a catchy name, and I was all set to start Defenders
of Neopia.
Bluescorchio104: That reminds me. What was your real name before you changed
it to Judge Hog?
Judge Hog: Um, do I have to tell you?
Bluescorchio104: You told me about the maker of the costume already, so why
not?
Judge Hog: I suppose. My name was Herbert. Herbet Pogwazz. Everyone at school
teased me. One bully called me Herbert Sherbert Brains.
Bluescorchio104: That's awful! But I bet you showed him who's boss a long
time ago, right?
Judge Hog: *Looks uncomfortable and squirms* No. You see, he's a, he's a…
Bluescorchio104: A what?
Judge Hog: *Looks scared, and whimpers* a, a, oh, I can't say it! *breaks
into tears*
Bluescorchio104: *tries to sound comforting* Look, it's okay. Everything's
going to be all right. What is he? A maniacal dictator? A bloodthirsty murderer?
A *gasps* person who doesn't like Neopets?
Judge Hog: Even worse than that! *tries to stop crying* He's a, he's a fully
qualified accountant!
Bluescorchio104: That's it? He's an accountant?
Judge Hog: But he's a *trembles in terror* a fully qualified TAX accountant!
Bluescorchio104: *Sarcastically* No! Well, then that is bad. What a monster!
Judge Hog: See what I mean?
Bluescorchio104: No. I was actually being sarcastic. No offence, but you are
seriously weird.
Judge Hog: No offence taken. *Stops crying. Blows his snout loudly on a handkerchief*
Bluescorchio104: Whoa. He must have been some bully, if you're still afraid
of him all this time later.
Judge Hog: I'd rather not talk about it any more. And that's an order, civilian.
Bluescorchio104: Whatever. So, um, how's the crime fighting going?
Judge Hog: Oh, okay. A few days ago I beat the Lava Ghoul again. Hopefully
that'll force him to leave the citizens alone for a while. But that Tekkitu
the Witch Doctor, I'll bet he's gonna be hard to beat.
Bluescorchio104: Hmm. Interesting, I'm sure. By the way, what's with the milk
and cookies thing?
Judge Hog: Oh. I really like cookies, you see. All the little old ladies whose
Kadoaties have ever gotten stuck up a tree, and had to ask me to rescue it,
always bake me cookies. Usually every second Sunday.
Bluescorchio104: Hmm.
Judge Hog: I'll let you in on a secret. *whispers* my parents say cookies
give me my super powers.*munches on a cookie*
Bluescorchio104: You can't be serious.
Judge Hog: I am too. Look at this. *strains to lift up desk, but fails*
Bluescorchio104: *sarcastically* Wow. How impressive!
Judge Hog: Really? *Smiles hugely, and puffs up chest proudly*
Bluescorchio104: No. I was being sarcastic again.
Judge Hog: Oh. Well, was that 'No' sarcastic?
Bluescorchio104: No.
Judge Hog: What about that one?
Bluescorchio104: NO! How did I ever think of interviewing an oaf who wears
his underpants on the outside, and has delusions of super power-giving cookies,
not to mention wears a costume a colour-blind clown wouldn't wear! You're even
afraid of a tax accountant for pity's sake!
Judge Hog: Was that last outburst sarcastic too?
Bluescorchio104: That's it, I'm leaving! I have no idea how a doofus like
you could possibly fight crime! *stomps out of the room*
Judge Hog: Was that sarcastic as well?
Bluescorchio104: *Voice is faint; sounds like it's coming from outside the
building* Oh, shut up, Herbert Sherbert Brains!
After that infuriating interview with Judge Hog, I went straight home, and
wondered how crime-fighting could have fallen so low.
Author's Note: The content of this article is almost entirely fictitious,
and Judge Hog's real name was not Herbert Pogwazz, he does not believe in super
power-giving cookies and he does not idolise a cartoon character. However, in
my opinion, his costume does look ridiculous.
|
