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"Stevo! Stevo, wake up!" Keri grumbled, pelting him
with a pillow. Despite the fact that the sun was shining and the birds were
singing (annoying birds that they were), Keri was just a wee bit cranky. Stevo
Furwin, famous PetPet conservationist, had been having a wonderful dream involving
the tropical Mystery Isle and native pets serving tropical smoothies with paper
umbrellas before reality in the form of his wife and a feathery pillow interrupted.
Shaking off sleep with a groan, Stevo brushed the fur out of his eyes with a
paw and stared up into Keri's riled face.
"It's going to be one of those days..." he moaned,
trying to roll back over. Keri just grabbed the blankets, and tossed him out
onto the floor.
"Get up already, Stevo!" Keri snapped. "We've
got a lot of things to do today."
"We do? But it's a Saturday! We're not taping
the show today, and no PetPets have escaped from the zoo, and the war is over,
and the faeries haven't sent us on any quests...."
"We're expecting a special visitor," Keri explained,
almost patiently.
"Really?" Stevo asked, "Like that monthly visitor
that makes you---"
"No!" she snapped, thwacking him again. "The
kind that causes the pitter patter of little feet around the Lair."
"Crikey!" shouted Stevo, jumping out of bed.
"We're expecting that kind of visitor?"
"Yes! So you'd better give me a hand cleaning
up around here and getting things ready. I've already set Les and Quivel to
work cleaning out the PetPet cages. I'm going to go cook us some lunch..."
"No! You shouldn't be working so hard, love.
Why don't you sit down, and let me make lunch?" Stevo said, escorting Keri out
of the bedroom and into a soft, comfortable chair in the living room.
"Oh, well... all right, Stevo. I have been working
pretty hard lately..." she mused, settling into the chair with a smile. "This
is really nice of you...."
"Here, prop your feet up..." Stevo said, bringing
over some cushions for her to rest her feet on. "Just relax, and leave everything
to ol' Stevo."
"Say..." Keri muttered, eyeing Stevo with a
bit of suspicion. "You're being too nice now. Have you done something bad that
I should know about?"
"Bad? Of course not! I just don't want you to
get all tired out. You'll need your strength for the arrival of our... little
visitor. Say, when can we expect the little bugger anyhow?"
"Oh, around three this afternoon," Keri said
casually, resting both of her paws on her stomach and relaxing cheerily.
"Blimey! That soon? Keri, why didn't you tell
me before now?" Stevo gasped, nearly falling over.
"Oh, it must have slipped my mind, I guess..."
she said with a shrug. "I guess it just didn't seem all that important to bring
up."
"Crikey! Of course it's important! It's the
most important event of all our lives!" Stevo said, rushing off into the kitchen.
"Uh... okay." Keri stared after her husband,
wondering what the big deal was. The sounds of things rattling and crashing
around in the kitchen reached her ears, but she was too comfortable to check
and see what he was up to. Hopefully, whatever it was, he'd clean it up after.
Soon enough, Stevo hurried back out of the kitchen, carrying a platter of assorted
foods.
"All right, we've got some fresh clam jam sandwiches
here, and a fish pop dipped in Mud and Mayo...." Stevo said, beginning to rattle
off the list of foods. "Just in case you've got strange cravings..."
"Um... why don't you just leave that here and
go out to help the guys?" Keri said. She wasn't quite sure she'd find anything
on the rather odd platter to her taste, and she didn't want to hurt Stevo's
feelings.
"Right-o! Just enjoy your lunch, and I'll return
in plenty of time for the special event!" Stevo danced out the front door, looking
about as happy a Wocky as she had ever seen.
Les and Quivel were just finishing off the Sludgy
exhibit, which had been a particular mess, when Stevo rounded the corner, shouting
exuberantly, "I'm going to be a father!"
"Huh?" said Les, blinking.
"What?" gasped Quivel, nearly dropping the bucket
of slop he was holding on Les' foot.
"Hey, watch it, Quiggle boy!" Les yelped, jumping
back a bit.
"I should just dump this over your head," muttered
the disgruntled cameraman.
"This isn't the time for fighting, mates - Keri's
expecting! Our little baby is going to be here at three this afternoon, so we've
got to get ready!" Stevo said, grinning.
"Leave it to Keri to time these things exactly,"
Les grinned. "Does that mean I'll be Uncle Les?"
"You bet!" Stevo said, patting his friend on
the back.
"And I'll be Uncle Quivel!" Quivel chimed in.
A long silence followed, filled only by the distant clicking from the Scarabug
exhibit. "Or... uh... a second cousin?"
"So anyhow," Stevo said, breezing over Quivel's
sigh, "I need to practice father things before three..."
"I've got to go dump this bucket!" Quivel said,
quickly skittering away.
"I have to, uh..." Les stammered, but it was
too late. Stevo was grabbing one of the cage cleaning rags and folding it into
a disturbing triangular state.
"Just put this on," Stevo said.
"But it'll mess up my hair, mate," Les whined.
"It doesn't go on your head," Stevo said, abruptly
wrangling Les to tie the makeshift diaper on.
"Agh! Help! This isn't in my contract, you poncy
bloke!" Les struggled indignantly, but in the end, was wearing a passable, if
a bit grimy, diaper.
"Perfect!" Stevo declared, and scooped Les up
into his arms. "Isn't he just the cutest little baby? Daddy loves his ickle
little furkins..." Stevo tickled Les under the chin, causing the disgusted
Kyrii to chomp down on his best mate's paw. "Ow! You bit me!"
"Goo-gah," said Les. "Waaaaah!"
"Oh, crikey! What are you supposed to do when
babies cry?" Stevo said anxiously, nearly dropping Les in his panic.
"Give them a pay raise and let them out of the
stupid costume?" Les muttered between cries.
"Maybe it's gas!" chimed Quivel, who was making
his way back to the scene now that the danger had passed. "You should burp him!"
"No!" Les wailed, but Stevo was already hefting
him across his shoulder, patting his back gently. "I'm not going to burp, you
git. I don't have to."
"Pound him harder!" called Quivel, bouncing
up and down like a little green cheerleader.
"I hate you, cameraboy. Just wait till I get
out of---" Les' thought train was derailed by Stevo pounding his back vehemently,
"Burrrrrrrrrppppp!"
"Whoo-whee!" Stevo gasped, turning his head.
"I hope real babies don't smell that bad."
"Check his diaper next!" Quivel giggled.
"Stevo, so help me, if your hand goes anywhere
near my bum, I'll punch you so hard..." Les warned.
"We'll just skip that part, mate," Stevo assured
Les. "Let's go on to... hm. Rocking the baby to sleep!"
"You could do like that song and put him in
a treetop, and when the bough breaks, he might break too and I'll get another
shot at fame..." Quivel suggested, then shut up quickly at Les' glare.
"Or you could just sing a lullaby."
"Right then..." Stevo shifted the still indignantly
grumbling Kyrii to rock him in his arms. "Rock-a-bye, good bloody night... go
to sleep, little conservationist...Um... PetPets love you... you're not a mess...
go to sleep and don't step in poo..."
Though Stevo's singing left much to be desired,
Les found himself drifting off to sleep.
"Awww... that's almost cute..." said Quivel.
"Now you should lay him down in a crib."
"We don't have a crib, though..." Stevo said.
"Well, we could use the Reptillior exhibit -
it's got bars." Quivel smirked, rubbing his paws together.
"Stevo!" Keri called from the front door.
"Crikey! It must be time! Here, Quivel, you
take Les - put him down somewhere. I've got to run!" Stevo handed over the sleeping
Les to the gleeful camera Quiggle, who staggered under the weight , but cheerfully
lurched off towards the Reptillior cage just the same.
Stevo ran just as fast as he could to the house.
"Is it time? Is our special visitor coming?"
"Coming? She's already here," Keri said with
a smile. "Come inside, Stevo."
"But... should you be standing up? A little
girl! Crikey! " Stevo shouted.
"Yep, the pitter patter of little feet all over
the Lair..." Keri said, walking back in, and over to an Electric Jubjub
with a pink bow. "This is my friend, NowneVandanh. Nowne, meet Stevo."
Stevo's jaw dropped open. "Did the Jubjub eat
our baby?"
"Baby?" blinked Nowne.
"Baby?" snapped Keri.
"I thought... but... you said... you said we'd
be having a special visitor!" Stevo gasped.
"We are!" said Keri. "Nowne's come all the way
from Faerieland."
"But... the pitter patter of little feet..."
Stevo stammered.
"She's going to be teaching me some new dance
moves!" Keri said with a smile. "So, are you up for dancing, Stevo?"
But Stevo didn't answer... he just smacked his
head with a paw, wondering how he could have gotten the message so mixed up.
Keri turned on the stereo, and soon the sounds of music and dancing filled the
Lair, drowning out the cries for help from a diapered Kyrii....
The End
Author's Note: The parody in this story is intentional, and the characters
used in it reside on the account Krawk_Files. As always, thank you for reading
and feel free to Neomail
me if you've got a question, comment or are just feeling a bit riled. Special
guest star: NowneVandanh | 
