It Came From The Fridge by 2hot4u181 |  |
Dark Night was shopping, which he hated. He was
a private eye, a detective, and an all around tough Shoyru. He was certain that
tough Shoyrus didn't have to carry their own groceries. Admittedly, he wasn't
really sure how tough Shoyrus were supposed to get their food... maybe their
fan clubs were supposed to bring them regular offerings or something. Not that
anyone appreciated him much. Which he could live with -- people were idiots,
anyway.
From within the carriage his yellow sheep of doom,
Blue meeped happily attacking every single thing Dark had randomly thrown in.
Which was pretty much Neocola, canned food, more Neocola, some fudge pops and
for a change of pace Neocola.
Dark paced hurriedly through the frozen
food isle, brushing past an overweight Acara and her owner. He needed more fudge
pops. He wasn't sure why, he just did. He reached and slung open the door to one
of the refrigerated compartments and grabbed a bag without really looking at
it. Of course, him being himself, he wasn't aware that he had actually grabbed
a bag of brussel sprouts instead. He despised brussel sprouts with a passion.
At home he unpacked his load, still muttering
about the sheer uncoolness of being seen with a double armload of brown paper
bags. Somehow finding room in his refrigerator for yet more Neocola, he reached
in and pulled out the 'fudge pops'. "Brussel sprouts!?" he shouted indignantly,
causing Blue to fall of the counter in surprise. "I paid 15 Neopoints for brussel
sprouts!?" With a disgusted snort, the offending vegetables were shoved to the
back of the freezer, condemned to the cold, slightly smelly darkness.
***Several Months Later***
"Hey Dark?!" Megz asked one day as she prodded around in the freezer a bit.
"What now Meghan?" I asked bitterly turning
around in my recliner. "Do you need directions to get from the living room to
the kitchen?"
"No, but there's something rather nasty
that's stinking up your freezer."
"Nah, you just forgot to take a bath again,"
I retorted.
"DARK!" Megz yelled, walking back in
and thwapping me in the back of the head hard. "Take that back!"
"Alright, alright, I take it back. Yeesh."
I grumbled and started flipping through
The Neopian Times. More rubbish on why petpets have been disappearing. For some
reason people had been finger pointing at me. Why would I steal petpets when
I couldn't even stand my own. I felt like breaking something. Sadly everything
in my house was already broken so it wouldn't have made much sense.
The phone rang suddenly. I grabbed it.
"Talk to me," I spoke into the receiver.
On the other end was a rather high pitched
female voice accusing me of taking her pet Warf. I couldn't believe it. People
actually BOUGHT the stuff that people wrote? There had to be a conspiracy against
me. I slammed the phone down agitatedly receiving quizzical looks from Megz
and Blue. I gave them both a rather nasty look and they left.
I stormed into my room and fell asleep
until about midnight. I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes in the darkness. My stomach
growled. Not just any growl mind you. My stomach and I have worked out a fairly
complex language. This particular growl (a slow gurgle followed by an urge to
belch) meant only one thing. Neocola.
I got out of bed and plodded towards the
kitchen. A small light shone, to my surprise. When I got there, I found that
the freezer door was swinging open, light spilling out of its murky depths.
"Megz must've left it open," I grumbled,
closing the door. Plundering around in the fridge for all of half a second,
I snagged a cold can of Neocola and shut the door with my tail as I turned around.
A breeze tugged at my wings as I plodded back to bed, leaving me wondering why
Megz had left the freezer and the window open.
"Odd," I muttered to myself, closing the
window quickly. I stuck my head into the freezer, Megz wasn't kidding about
the stench.
I raised my eyebrows and stuck my head
in further where there was a loud knock on the door. I turned to go answer it,
forgetting my head was in the freezer, and banged my head on the top of it.
I rubbed the back of my head ruefully and walked over to the door, seeing to
the cops in the doorjamb.
"What do you want at 12:30 in the morning?!"
I asked angrily, annoyed about the interruption. Didn't they know people tend
to sleep during the wee hours of the morning? Well, I wasn't sleeping, but that's
utterly beside the point!
"Stand aside sir," growled a Lupe in
a police uniform, shoving past me rudely. "A hysterical witness claims to have
just seen his petpet Spardel dragged into your house by a shadowy figure. I'm
going to have to search your residence now."
I put my foot out tripping him. "Lemme
see the search warrant."
The Lupe glared, trying to salvage his
dignity as he brushed himself off. "Sir, this is an emergency, and unless you
have something to hide I recommend you coopera..." A loud crash from the kitchen
interrupted him.
"What the...?" I rushed into where the
crash had sounded. I blinked for a moment at what I saw.
It slurped from side to side with the
consistency of gelatin, or maybe glue. A pair of black eyes reflected the light
from the open freezer. The oversized mouth in the center of the blob would have
looked comical were it not for the massive rows of teeth that gnashed continuously.
Stuck to the side of it was a piece of plastic wrap. In the dim lighting, I
could make out what appeared to be a label. "Neopian Cannery Brussel Sprouts"
"What the heck?!" I blinked for a moment.
"Oh, this cannot be real. Lemme guess those brussel sprouts I accidentally bought
four months ago mutated into THIS?!"
Another thought rushed to my head. "Oh
man," I groaned, "Megz is never going to let me forget this!" She had told me
to clean the freezer, after all. Of course, this was no time for me to be worrying
about Megz, so I did what anyone would do.
Get out the chocolate sauce and eat the
darn thing!
So, I raced into my refrigerator and pulled
out some chocolate sauce before the monster actually realized I was past him
and started drenching him in the chocolate. I quickly found a clean knife and
fork out of the dishwasher and began to eat the monster. It tasted horrid even
with the aid of chocolate sauce, but alas, it was eaten until I had found the
missing petpets. Apparently the monster never devoured them properly, and they
were reunited with their owners. And there was much rejoicing.
But that's not the point of this story.
The point is never leave brussel sprouts in the freezer for four months. NEVER.
END
Authors' Note: This was co-written on AIM as a special for issue 100. Thank
you for tolerating the lack of sanity involved with this story.
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