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Kelp: What You REALLY Need To Know


by greavesbaby

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Hello, Neopia.

Most of you will know who I am. But, just in case your taste buds haven't had the pleasure of experiencing THE best cuisine in the land, I shall introduce myself to you now.

I am Francesco Kelp. Entrepreneur, restaurateur, Gormball champion, Neopia's Businessman of the Year Y12. But, kind ladies and gentlemen, first and foremost, I am honest.

I am writing this article under the assumption the majority of the Neopian Times' fine readership have had the unfortunate experience of reading a slanderous article, written by an 8-bit Journalist who clearly has no taste for... well, taste, regarding the most respected eatery in all of Neopia.

Of course, I am talking about my restaurant, Kelp. In the article I mentioned above, my fine Maraquan establishment was accused of... *ahem*... 'adjusting' our food with Queen Fyora's faerie dust and gathering our ingredients from the Rubbish Dump.

Well, Neopia - I am here now to tell you, that those cruel accusations are completely and utterly FALSE.

Yes, it is true that the honorable Queen Fyora and her clique... um, I mean, fine friends, often take a trip down to Maraqua to visit Kelp. (Voted Best Overall Dining Experience Y10). Neopian personalities of such high accord are regularly seen occupying our expertly-laid tables.

Queen Fyora and I have grown to be great friends since she joined the very, very long list of respectable clientele at Kelp. We often meet up over a nice hot cup of Borovan... um, no, I mean, a nice tall glass of Seaweed Surprise (available at Kelp for the very reasonable price of 9,000NP). You see, Neopia - Queen Fyora knows that Kelp is the undisputed leader in fine cuisine, and there is no faerie dust about it, our food is simply the best.

This is why I bring you proof - in this very article, that will totally discredit those heinous lies which were brought upon my doorstep by a Journalist who clearly frequents such mediocre eateries like The Food Shop and The Golden Dubloon. *scoffs*

The following interview, which I conducted with a completely random Kelp customer who is of such high regard they wish to remain anonymous (and who has definitely not been paid in Lemwart Fizz to participate) will reassure you:

Q: Good evening, Madam. Do you have a reserva- *cough* Um, I mean. You have been a customer at Kelp (Winner of the Neopian's Choice Award for Culinary Excellence Y7) for many years now. Correct?

A: Um, I wouldn't say years. Unless all that time I spent trying to get a reservation counts?

Q: Yes, yes, a very valued customer for many many years! In your vast experience of visiting Kelp, have you ever seen any evidence of faerie dust being used within the boundaries of Neopia's finest restaurant?

A: No. Never. Oh... actually... well, apart from that time when I saw one of your chefs sprinkling my Stramberry Sausages with a bottle marked '100% Faerie Dust'...

Q: What?! Excuse me?! Oh! You must be referring to the extra special ingredient we add to our Stramberry dish! But of course, you are mistaken Madam! That would of been... um... '100% NOT Faerie Dust', sourced from the foothills of erm... Terror Mountain! Grown naturally. In arctic soil. Not Faerieland.

A: No, no I'm pretty sure it said Fa-

Q: *coughs* Good! Excellent! Next question, have you ever seen any evidence of our fine exquisite meals being sourced from Meridell's Rubbish Dump?

A: Um... I don't think so? ...Oh, actually, come to think of it, I did once see a Meri Acres farm hand leaving the back entrance with what looked like a huge bag of rubbish...

Q: Well that's simply NOT possible. Your eyes were obviously affected by the euphoria you experienced whilst dining at Kelp. It... erm... it happens all the time. Just the other week I had King Skarl screaming and rolling around on the floor having hallucinations of fierce Peophins.

A: Um... no, I don't think-

Q: NEXT QUESTION! What makes Kelp your favorite restaurant in Neopia?

A: Well, erm... this is awkward. But, it's not.

Q: I beg your pardon?

A: Kelp isn't my favorite restaurant in Neopia. I mean, it's nice and all that - but I'm partial to a good Cheese Manicotti from the Grundo's Cafe. Now THAT is good eats.

Q: *splutters* I'm sorry I think I may have just thrown up in my mouth. Oh well, would you look at the time, you best be off! I've got that really important thing I need to do so...

A: Oh yeah? What important thing?

Q: Oh, it's very very important, I've got some... you know... stuff to sort out and ... rulers to feed, Faeries to entertain, but thank you for your time! And thanks for making Kelp (Winner of Most Affordable Dining Establishment at the Neopian Billionaire Awards Y8) your favorite restaurant in Neopia!

A: Kelp isn't my favour-

Q: YES, OKAY, THANKS, BYE!

Well, there you have it, fine people of Neopia!

100% conclusive proof that Kelp (Winner of Most Aesthetically Pleasing Dishes at the Annual Qasalan Awards Y11) does NOT employ any underground tactics to produce such fantastic, award-winning food! I trust that this will set your mind entirely at rest!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank our many, many, loyal customers, who obviously have excellent taste in dining and eating out. Without your custom, we would ... well, we'd just be making food for ourselves.

And to further express my gratitude, included at the bottom of this article is a FREE 10% off voucher which can be used for your next visit to Kelp!

We have consistently been the leader in Neopian fine dining. I'm sure, despite the false accusations flung against us, it shall still continue to be!

Au revoir, Neopians! I'm sure I'll be seeing you at Kelp very soon.

DISCLAIMER: 10% Voucher may only be used by customers who have telephoned to book a reservation in advance. Please see the back of this voucher for all terms and conditions. (NOTE: not actually valid for use at Kelp.)

 
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