The Classy Petpet
Hello, my good friends! Snuffy McSnufferton the Angelpuss here, to teach you what it takes to become a truly classical Petpet! Nowadays, most Petpets have no idea what it takes to be truly classy. They spend their time rolling in mud and eating Petpet chow! Now, me, I spend my time at parties and balls thrown by the very crème of Petpet society!
In this article, I hope to address five simple ways to inject your life with excellence and class! It really is quite simple to follow! Soon, you can be like me, a prosperous member of the upper crust!
We can’t have a classy Petpet looking frumpy, now can we? To be a classy Petpet, you must first have a suitable color. Some Petpets do not need to be painted, though. If you have a nice, rich coat, that is a sensible and natural color, than that is perfectly alright.
However, if you need to be painted, avoid colors that speak of uncultured life. Mutant and Snot are prime examples! So are flashy paintbrushes, like Disco or Christmas! Colors like Pink and Faerie are acceptable for females only! Black is slimming, but only looks good on a few! In short, look around at the Petpet Puddle and decide what looks best on you.
Clothing! Clothing for us Petpets is hard to find. Look for someone to custom make yours. It may seem like you need a lot of clothes to look classy, but even I only have three outfits! Yes, only three! One is in case my owner and I go to play games (see Classical Pastimes), one is for occasions like afternoon teas and informal gatherings, and the last is a very spiffy Angelpuss tuxedo, in case someone invites me to a formal evening party.
In short, dress for the occasion. Improvise. Above all, never go out in public looking plain!
To be a classy Petpet, you first must talk like a classy Petpet. No, and I don’t mean funny voices (though never use them), I’m talking about everyday conversation. First, you must learn when to try and impress. If you meet someone who is throwing a party that night, you might add a bit of flattery. Not kiss-up flattery, but from one Petpet to another. We don’t want to seem silly, now do we?
Also, know what to talk about. Choose safe, neutral topics, like weather or new paintbrush colors. Never comment on appearance or species. There are many different Petpets, and some get very offended when misidentified. Also, it is a good idea never to mention the word ‘Meepit’, just in case they are listening. If you want to end the conversation, simply invite over someone else, and introduce them to your friend. Likely, they will start to talk and you can slip away.
When talking to a non-classy Petpet, stay five steps away in case they are muddy/wet. Never mention the last fabulous party we went to; we don’t want them to be jealous. If they call you names and throw dung at you, just ignore them. Petpets like that are just too uncivilized to pay attention to. Do dodge the dung balls, or you’ll have to pay a drycleaner!
The classy Petpet’s owner must be three things: rich, vain, and lazy. It is necessary to have a rich owner so they can pay for all the things you need. Vain is so they actually want to have a classy Petpet, thus making your life easier. Lazy is so they let you do the socializing instead of them. If your owner is not like this, then improvise! Try sewing your own clothes and finding extra opportunities to socialize. I have many friends who were invited to Neopet parties without their owners!
Above all, be nice to your owner. After all, they pay the rent. And if your owner is a washout, try talking with your owner’s owner. They are quite nice, excepting their devotion to something called “world domination,”. I have no idea what in Angelpi that is!
If you want to be classy, you have to act classy. That means no dung balls, no chewing with your mouth open, and thanking your host. I once knew a friend who had the nicest clothes and lots of money, but was a real Snorkle! As a result, no one wanted to be around him. For goodness' sake, just behave. Remember the three C’s: Class, cleanliness, and conventionality!
Class is what this article is about. You must act as if you are pleased with every new development at a party, unless the host expresses displeasure. If you are at a spring party, talk about the weather, the flowers, Neogardening, or the latest news. If the host serves Neocola, drink it. Do not complain, even if it is a low class drink. If the host’s food is burnt, and the host apologizes, it is okay to express polite dislike of your food, though never to your host.
Cleanliness is another good habit. If you smell bad, Petpets will not want to be around you. Try bathing! Also, cleanliness refers to eating. Do not gulp, slurp, or chew with your mouth open. If you do not know how to eat something, just spread it around the plate. Your server will take it away before your next course. It is a good idea to have something you will eat in your purse or in a friend’s, just in case. Never, though, eat it in front of the other guests.
Conventionality is another pleasant trait. It means “a socially accepted way of doing things.” If you play a game, do not try to change the rules. If you host a dinner, never serve dessert first. No law says you have to do things in a certain way, but there are so many rules a classy Petpet must learn. If you serve dessert first, Petpets will not know whether to use appetizer or dessert conversation! This could ruin your party! It is easier to be classy when everyone follows the rules.
Congratulations! You are hosting your first daytime get-together. Now what? What is appropriate to do? If you like sports, games like bowls or Wingoball are fun. If not, try a formal tea or hire concert musicians. Often, if you do like sports and have a classy owner, he or she will invite you to play bowls with them or to act as a caddy.
If you are one for formal parties, then ask your owner to throw one and invite all their friends and their friends’ Petpets. This is an excellent way to make new friends and please your owner. Never slurp your tea, even if you don’t have thumbs. Simply ask it be poured in a bowl for licking. Most fancy parties will serve the drinks in fancy bowls, instead of insulting their guests otherwise. If you have male family, girls, invite your friends over to watch them play. An excellent way to have fun!
Remember, classy Petpets do not get dirty. This leaves out Battledoming and tackle football. Also, if you gamble, only do it with a few close friends. With big gambling parties, you never know who is opposed to gambling, or who thinks you might cheat, or even who is cheating! Stick to small parties for small, less popular sports, and go big the bigger the sport!
See? It’s very easy to be classy! Any Petpet can do it. Now, me, I was born classy. Never ate kibble, never rolled in mud. Who better than to teach the rest of the vulgar masses how to be classy than an Angelpuss? See you on top of society!