The Truth About Guilds
Dedicated to the amazing people in my guild; you guys inspire me!
Hello there! If you are a human owner, come no further---this article does
not concern you and I’m sure there are plenty of other entries in this Neopian
Times issue that would interest you.
If, however, you are a fellow Neopet, I urge you to read on.
My name is Kitaron the Kougra, and I am here to discuss a topic of hot debate
amongst our community of pets---guilds. Now listen carefully, my friend, for
what I have to say may save you and your owner from destruction.
Let’s start with the basics: What are guilds? Well, they claim to be a place
where people of similar interests gather to chat and make friends. Right?
If this is your idea of what a guild is, then you
have fallen under the deception that has ensnared countless thousands of innocent
owners and their pets. It is time for you to learn the bitter truth. It will
be ugly, it will be painful, but it will open your eyes to the evil all around
Let me tell you a story. Once, long ago, a red Kougra lived with his owner
and siblings in a happy little home in Meridell. They did everything together,
from daily trips to the Fruit Machine to hours of fun in the Gameroom. Life
was perfect, and the Kougra couldn’t have wished for anything more.
Then, one fateful day, a family friend told his owner about a guild she had---a
place where all their closest Neofriends could gather to have fun. It sounded
wonderful, so the young Kougra’s owner joined, and was soon promoted to a council
position. He was happy for her, even though he was never allowed inside. He
asked what went on in there, and she assured him all they did was talk. But
he sensed there was more to it than that, that she was holding something back,
when there had never been any secrets between them before.
As time went on, the Kougra began to notice strange changes in his owner’s
behavior. She began inviting other friends to join this guild, and even put
up a guild banner on her lookup. And although she still played with her pets,
groomed them, fed them, and trained them, she spent more and more time inside
that ominous place where pets were strictly forbidden from entering. Finally,
he decided it had gone on for long enough, and so one day when his owner set
off for a guild meeting, he secretly followed.
He watched from his hiding place with bated breath as the door opened. He watched
as a horrid dung meepit appeared on the other side, standing guard at the entranceway,
watched as his beloved owner bowed to it with mindless glazed eyes and disappeared
And his entire world came crashing down.
My friends, that young Kougra was me, and from that day on, I have known what
guilds really are.
Brace yourself, for these guilds... are nothing more than recruitment centers
for the meepits. Yes, you heard me right---each and every one of those poor
souls in the guilds have been entranced by the hypnotic gaze of a meepit, and
enslaved to do their bidding.
You are in shock, I see. It is understandable---none of us could have ever
imagined the meepits’ infiltration to penetrate this far, into the very heart
of Neopian society.
Many of you have owners who belong in a guild; some of you might have an owner
who owns one. If so, then you may be somewhat familiar with guild politics.
Most guilds have one main goal: to recruit new members. They may advertise
incessantly with banners and slogans, or spam with infuriating copy and paste
messages on the Neoboards. Your previously sensitive and reticent owner may
suddenly mutate into an advertising machine, repeating “Join so-and-so Guild
today! * 1 NP Auctions! * Newbie Packs! * Friendly Members!” over and over like
a broken record.
In this aspect, my dear owner did not suffer too heavily, but yours may not
be as lucky! Remember, it is not your poor owner’s fault, but rather, the evil
meepit who is pulling the strings. The meepits do this to bring in fresh blood
to the guilds. They are parasites, I tell you, and as such, they must have a
constant supply of new hosts.
What goes on behind closed doors? Well, since none of us Neopets have ever
been allowed inside a guild, we can only guess at the horrors that take place
inside. You’ve all seen the messages posted on the doors of private guilds:
“Sorry. You are not a member of this guild!” Now think. Suppose these guilds
are in fact as harmless as they pretend to be. Then they wouldn’t need to have
these “Keep Out!” warnings, now would they? What would they have to hide? They
are clear signs that something is amiss inside.
“What can I do?” you ask? By following these tips, you will be helping thwart
the meepits’ conspiracies, and simultaneously, protecting your family and home.
1. Keep your owner away from the Guild Board. This place is a breeding
ground for the meepit secret societies, full of enticing offers that will tempt
your owner. They may say they have warm, friendly atmospheres, or adoption
agencies, or monthly activities for active members, or whatever, but remember
this: they are all empty promises concocted to lure your owner into a trap!
Don’t take the risk by venturing into this enemy ground in the first place!
2. Spread the word! The more people who are made aware of the situation, the
better! Show this article to your classmates at Neoschool. Tell your siblings,
your neighbors, your great-aunt’s cousin’s teacher’s plumber’s social worker’s
brother! It doesn’t matter who, but we must raise the alarm!
3. If you know or suspect your owner has fallen victim to a guild, tie them
up before they run off to another guild meeting, and call your local Meepit
Control Center. If you find your owner has chewed through the ropes by the time
you come back from your call... er... sit down and pray. And use chains the next time.
4. If you have broken through to your owner and have liberated them from the
meepits’ grasp, your owner will likely be traumatized after the experience.
Be as supportive as you can and help them through this crisis. Calling a psychiatrist
may not be the best idea, as meepit-traumatized victims have been known to drive
their psychiatrists to psychiatrists. Which will surely only make your owner
5. If you have a feepit, keep it nearby at all times! Fyora bless these little
critters. They seem to be the only things that work against meepits. If you
don’t have a feepit, what are you waiting for?! Go buy one for yourself, and
then maybe a few more for your siblings and friends. They will act as your first
line of defense, and will warn you when meepits are nearby, as my dear feepit
Tori has done on several occasions.
Now, as this article comes to a close, I have a few closing words to share.
I ask you all to be careful. These are dangerous times, and if we are to rise
and triumph over the meepits, we must band together. United we stand, divided
we fall. The meepits will not take Neopia! We will not allow it!