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An Eggs-istential Interview with the Giant Omelette

by fox_confessor


During my time in Neopia, I have been fortunate enough to experience many weird and wonderful things. I have seen old fruits disappear and new fruits appear in their place during Gadgadsbogen. I have seen a tree that hands out an assortment of donated presents, a smile upon its trunk and an odd assortment of sinister ghosts appearing amongst its branches. I have seen a haunted creature of muck and slime with a bottomless pit for a stomach that demands spooky foods to eat and yet ironically gives out non-spooky foods that it could have eaten. I have seen a giant slug in the depths of the Maraquan Ruins that does nothing but shout belligerently at any who approach it. I have seen Neocola dance, an apple within an apple, meat skewered with meat, a negg-eating negg, a jar of jellybeans that never ends, a school of fish that transform into tools, a pixel that escaped from I know not where, and so much more.

     But somehow, none of what I had experienced before prepared me for my latest surreal experience—an interview with the Giant Omelette of the Tyrannian Plateau.

     Like most Neopians, I have travelled up to the Plateau for my daily slice of omelette. I enjoy the magic, the mystery, the ritual of the experience. Every day, without fail, the Giant Omelette is there. I had come to rely upon its steadfastness in ways that I did not fully realize until I began to work on this story.

     It all began with a very to-the-point letter from Sabre-X, head of Tyrannia’s Strategic War Division and the guardian of the Giant Omelette, which simply stated, “Come to the Tyrannian Plateau—the Giant Omelette would like to give an interview.”

     I reread the letter several times in disbelief. Surely it must have been a joke? But the First Day of Eating (April Fool’s Day, that is) had passed and Sabre-X has never been know for his sense of humour. Difficult as it was for me to comprehend, it appeared that an enormous sentient omelette wanted to be interviewed by the Neopian Times. I wrote back to Sabre-X, accepting the interview with enthusiasm. Grabbing my top hat and jacket, I dashed off to the Post Office to mail my response and then made my way to the Tyrannian Plateau post-haste.

     I met Sabre-X at his usual post, right beside the omelette. He gave me a cursory greeting and asked me if I had gotten my slice of omelette for the day. Once I assured him that I had not and showed him my press badge, he led the way over to the Giant Omelette.

     I felt rather awkward and more than a little silly introducing myself to the Giant Omelette, having been in its presence many times before without knowing that the giant mass of egg could communicate. And it can communicate, though it uses a form of telepathy as it has no mouth. Fortunately for me, the Giant Omelette was very gracious considering the circumstances. I found it to be very insightful, and I hope my readers will find it to be so as well.

     Good Morning, and thank you for volunteering to be interviewed. I understand that this is your first interview—is that correct?

     Yes, I have never been interviewed before. I hear whispers and theories about myself, but nobody has ever thought to ask me about myself. Except for Sabre-X, of course. But he isn’t exactly a chatterbox, so he isn’t the easiest person to have a conversation with.

     I agree with you there—Sabre X is certainly known as a Neopet of few words. I apologize for not speaking to you sooner. You’ll have to forgive me—I did not know that you could speak.

     I can understand why you would think that I couldn’t. Before now, Sabre-X was the only one who knew. But he respected my privacy and said nothing of it to the rest of Neopia. I was not ready for it to be known then, but I am now.

     I am glad to hear it! So, I would like to start off with a few “get to know you” questions before we get more personal. What is your idea of a perfect day?

     I like a hot, arid day without too much wind where I can just lay around and do nothing.

     Do you have a favourite joke?

     No, only a favourite yolk.

     What are three words that you would use to describe yourself?

     Introspective. Unique. Mixed-up.

     You know, I think we all feel a bit mixed-up now and then. Thank you for being brave enough to share that piece of yourself with my readers.

     I am always willing to share pieces of myself. The whole of myself I keep to myself, of course.

     Of course. I must say, there has been much speculation over the years as to your origin. If I may ask, from what sort of prehistoric creature do you come?

     I came first.

     So am I to understand that nothing laid you? That you are your own origin?

     Yes, that’s right.

     What happened to your shell?

     I don’t have a shell…is that a problem?

     No, not at all. I should not have assumed. So, you were cooked upon the heat of the Plateau. How did you find that process?

     It was very pleasant. I am told that Neopians can climb into a warm bath and that this is considered comfortable. I imagine that being cooked on the Plateau is quite similar for an egg.

     The heat from the Plateau cooks you, but how do you come to be flipped?

     I am perfectly capable of flipping myself, thank you.

     My apologies, I meant no offence. Are you responsible for seasoning yourself as well? I see that you are filled with an assortment of vegetables today, which look very becoming on you.

     I am glad you like them. I quite like the colours myself. I am not able to season myself, unfortunately. Sabre-X takes care of all of that.

     Do you have a good relationship with Sabre-X?

     Oh yes, he is a good friend. He keeps too much of me from being eaten at once. I have been informed that he is considered a good cook, though many are nervous around him.

     Can you tell us something about Sabre-X that we might not know?

     He is allergic to eggs.

     You mentioned portions of yourself being eaten. Are you aware that you are going to be all eaten up by the end of the day?

     Of course. That is my purpose.

     Is that a daunting prospect for you? Knowing that you will be gone today and another egg will take your place tomorrow?

     Not at all. There is no other egg. There has only ever been me.

     Interesting. Where do you go when you have been eaten and before you come back to be eaten again?

     I don’t quite know. Wherever the Giant Jelly of Jelly World goes, I imagine.

     I don’t follow you. What is the Giant Jelly? Where is Jelly World?

     Exactly. Where indeed? Reality simply is. You either buy it or you don’t.

     I see…though I am not sure that I understand. Can you elaborate?

     From what I understand about Neopians, what happens to me seems somewhat like falling asleep. Where do you go when you dream? Perhaps you fly to old Faerieland? Perhaps you warp into the future aboard the Space Station to the original home of the Grundos? Me, I go to Omelette World. Then I come back to this world. Being somewhere else does not mean that you cease to exist, only that you exist elsewhere.

     So can you confirm that Omelette World exists?

     It does to me.

     Thank you again for your time. This has been very…enlightening. Do you have a final thought that you would like to close the interview on?

     Don’t forget to take a slice of me before you go. But remember—only one per day!


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