Safe as Houses: Neopia Survival Guide

So how does one combat evil? Well, it all starts with your Neohome. Yes, those pretty little Neohomes you made in Faerieland with Uni Wallpaper. What you need is fortification. Make it your New Years Resolution. It will be easier and far more rewarding to keep to as opposed to trying to avoid the Chocolate Factory.

If the whole of Neopia is allowed to come along and view your home exterior and interior, what’s to say that slobbering Balthazar, sneaky Pant Devil or slimy Meuka can’t waltz right into your house?

One should not even rely on neighbours. If people hear trouble next door, they don’t get involved. It’s as simple as that. Your precious Neohome could be plundered and carried away bit by bit by Asparagus Chias in tutus singing “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go,” and still, those neighbours will pretend they can’t see anything, and will do nothing. Fellow Neopian, you can’t rely on anyone except yourself.

Doors and windows are your weak spots. Unless, of course, you make use of a glass sliding door. Some of those evil Neopians aren’t particularly smart, so it is a guarantee that you'll see a faceplant into the glass door. Those are always funny. If you do not possess this door, however, make sure you cement all doors and windows from the inside. Now no one can get inside, and all your possessions and Neopets are safe from harm. No one can get outside either.

So if you are the adventurous type and wish to perhaps “get out” once in a while, there are other measures you can take instead. First off, there are mines. Purchase about twenty Dubloon Disaster Mines. Arrange that they are shipped to your house. Why would you want to be the one transporting them? Alternatively, get hold of that Dorak to lure the mines from the shops to your house. He seems pretty adept at his rowing in Dubloon Disaster. Just may be a problem with rowing along the tarred streets of Neopia, yet this is not your issue. He has arms of steel, after all.

Once the mines have been dispatched to your house, plant Super Amazing Strong Glue in certain areas around your house. Run around to lure the mines to these spots, and then chuckle as they get stuck to the ground. I’m not sure whether this Glue will be strong enough to hold the mines down. Yet my Uni once thought that my Glue was a strawberry sauce dispenser and suckled on it only to find that her mouth completely glued shut. So if it could keep her blabbermouth shut for two months, perhaps it could keep a mine at bay.

Next, create a map of where all the mines are. Then take that hideous Authentic Grass Skirt you won in the Tombola and shred it so that the mines can be covered in “grass.” At least now you have a map, so you won’t forget where your abominable friends are and then unwillingly step on them.

In terms of walls, forget concrete or brick walls. Anyone can hop or fly over them. I recommend that you purchase a vast amount of Flaming Fire Bushes instead and surround your house with them. Chuck a few Bonfire Barrels into each bush for an extra “spark.”

As stated earlier, the neighbours will not react to an alarm system. Maybe the Defenders of Neopia would, but what if you need immediate help? Well, you’re not going to get any of that. So, use your alarm as another attack mechanism on the trespassers. Instead of using a wailing siren sound, make use of a recorded voice message. For example, you can say,

“Stop! This is King Coltzan the Third. Retreat or heed my warning *edit in harps and booming thunder*” This should freeze vagrants in their tracks.

My next bit of advice would be to follow in the steps of King Skarl and build a tremendous moat around your house. Zombies are afraid of water, so that should prevent any invasion from them. For other Neopians, buy a couple of those terrifying Halloween Angry Lobster Dinners and carefully remove the lobsters from the plates. Throw them into the moat. To keep them angry and bad-tempered, read them The Angry Kau every now and again to teach them the ways of unleashing their rage. They should be sure to scare or alternatively eat anything that tries to cross the moat.

Next to your moat, I recommend you build a tower. You and your Neopets can take turns to watch-out. These towers give excellent panoramic view. In terms of weapons to use if a cretin tries to trespass, many Neopians would be quick to recommend various cannons or even Flying Fireballs. Both effective, yes, and both brutal. Your assailant knows this too. If he sees it coming, he may be able to quickly evade you and then attack you for being so darn rude. Instead, we need to be clever. We need to get into the head of an evil Neopian. This is a dark and scary place to be, but it's essential to outwit them.

My suggestion would be as follows - purchase Christmas Rocks as ammo. Archaic, you may I say. Yet I say, genius Tyrannians. And no, that is not an oxymoron in my books. Hoard your Christmas Rocks in your tower, and wait for the goon to appear. As he/she/it does, grab a Christmas Rock and hold it in the air.

Call out, “Greetings my Overlord! I hope your Majesty enjoys my Christmas/Hanukkah/Birthday/Wedding/Valentines (pick one wisely based on the time of year) gift. Long live Dr. Sloth! Hear, hear!” And with that, throw the rock as hard as you can towards the enemy. At first, all the trespasser will see is a dark object with a bow wrapped around it. They will probably be positively gleeful and position themselves under the rock in order to catch their present readily. As the “present” is nearing your foe, shine a bright light from the tower into the assailant's eyes. These creatures lurk in the darkness; a bright light will blind them, leaving them open to their little “gift.” Rub your hands and watch as the rock knocks the creature out cold. Remember that this is also the only way to destroy zombies, as you need to make their mutated brain defunct.

These measures will hopefully stand you in good stead in defeating the evils in our Neopia. Xandra may have recently been defeated, yet Neopia always churns out super-villains who are determined to trump their predecessor. So heed my advice and remember; home is where the heart... and the weapons are.