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How to be a Hero--The Right Way!

by yami_wolfwood


Also by rfrchompchomp

Recently, Neopia has fallen into dark times, but a few brave (and not-so-brave) heroes have worked hard to restore peace and happiness to our lands. However, there have been times when those heroes could have saved the world much more quickly and efficiently. Here are a few guidelines to always follow when saving the world from the forces of evil.

1. To Catch a Thief — If a thief ever breaks into your home and tries to steal your artifacts—particularly the glowing ones—and you have the power to stop him, do it. Teleport next to him and blast him before he ever has the chance to even touch your valuables. Neopia has laws protecting potential crime victims. I promise, Fyora will not convict you for stopping a theft in your own home. You also may not want to waste your time shouting uselessly at him. This isn’t a child’s game. He’s not going to stop because you said: “Stop thief!” Instead, use that moment to put on a scary costume so you can teleport in front of him and yell: “BOO!”

2. Run with Thought — When running through a villain’s castle, you sometimes come across a room with a trap—scarabs, freeze rays, you know, the usual. A door opens and you run out. Please, for the love of Coltzan, if that door opens again, don’t run back in! You know there’s a trap, why reenter? This goes for rooms without traps as well. If you just walked through, I don’t know, a red door, and in the next room that red door and another open, try the new door. You’re trying to get out of the castle, not draw a map. One more thing about villain’s castles: try not to get distracted. All the ice cream and usuki dolls in Neopia will not save the faeries.

3. Laziness is Next to Uselessness -- When the world has become overrun with millions of villainous shadows determined to destroy you, don’t kill fifty and just stop after that. You may not be getting paid to be a hero, but you are trying to protect the innocent, and fifty defeated shadows is nothing compared to the 15,513,174 who are still on the loose. Try to take down at least an even hundred, and leave the other 15,513,074 to the other heroes. Or, you know, actually put some effort into saving the world.

4. Patience is a Virtue -- On the other hand, if you’re a hero who loves killing villains and wants nothing more than to slay mindlessly, don’t overreact when there aren’t any more shadows in Neopia. “OH NO! THERE’S NO ONE LEFT TO KILL! I NEED MORE!” There will be more. I promise. These shadows have a very predictable fighting style (appear, die, reappear) so just wait a few minutes, and another twenty thousand will come into existence, and you will then be able to return to your righteous destruction. Mwhahaha, death.

5. Libraries Don’t Organize Themselves -- This tip isn’t just for heroes, but people in general. If you’re building a library (personal, public, demonic, etc.) and you decide not to use the conveniently-already-existing Draiky Decimal System, PLEASE create an index of how your books are organized, and post this index in a convenient location. Colorful triangles and orange cats mean nothing on their own. When interns come in to help you organize your horrifying archive, rather than yelling and hitting them, trying telling them “the orange cat represents Forbidden Lasagna Recipes!” Also, you may want to consider hiring someone full time to keep the books organized. Making the effort to tour the shelves once a night and replacing misplaced books will help cut down clutter and confusion later on. Then, when Neopia is doomed, heroes will have a chance to find the proper book.

6. Toughen Up, Big Guy -- Rather than being a big baby about evil purple tentacles, how about you just put some gloves on and rip them off the poor soul who is having their life sucked away? If you have friends with you, and your life begins to be drained, they can save you. The victim lying prone on the floor, however, who knows how much life they still have? They could go at any minute. Rather than wasting time analyzing the reaction of rippling tentacles to certain limbs being pulled at certain times in certain directions with a certain force, just squash the little bug and move on.

7. Be Prepared -- Always bring a flashlight. No matter where you’re going, you’ll save yourself so much trouble. At the very least, bring a box of matches. On the other hand, if you find yourself wandering around dark caves with an endless series of tunnels, and you have a spell caster with you, why not ask the spellcaster to create some light? Even if the spell isn’t specifically designed to give off light, I’m sure they’ll know at least one that has a side effect of creating light. Maybe that spiffy one used to zap artifact thieves!

8. Whose Side Are You On? – When a giant beast from the bowels of the earth rises up and attacks, please don’t heal him. It’s hard enough to come together as a community and destroying demonic monstrosities, and healing him is not making it any easier. Instead, try weakening him! ...No? You don’t want to? It was just a thought.

9. Lost in Translation – When decoding mysterious ruins in a spellbook, you should write down what each spell is after you translate it. That way, when you find the spell you need and go looking for the second one, you just need to look at your write up! A highlighted index is nothing compared to jotting down a few key words on the page. “Makes light” “Summons meepits” and “Useless” mean much more than –dark grey- -dark grey- -light grey-. Remember: work smart, not hard.

10. Teamwork – When a barrier begins to deteriorate and you need to reinforce it, try having some clue what you’re doing. You’re working with others, so if you’re not sure what to do, why not just shout to the other side of the giant glowing ball “Hey, do you think this needs grey dust or white dust?” We’re all friends here, the Lupe on the other side of the orb won’t bite! (Unless you’re a Chia). We all want the same thing, so your allies are willing to help! We’re here to try to save the faeries (well, except Xandra).

11. Get Off Your High Horse – While people should intuitively know how to suppress evil jets of green light jumping off a barrier ball, stop throwing a Hissi fit every time something doesn’t go your way. Try remembering that containing is hard when the orb’s power levels fluctuate at random. So, instead of getting all bent out of shape over someone else, just be quiet and concentrate on pushing the orb the 100 meters to the barrier instead of letting it slide backwards every other round.

12. Your Mother was a Harris, and your Father Smelled of Fishberries – Apparently, insulting people is helpful! Who knew? Just remember, your words hurt, so don’t use insults that make people so angry they blast you into oblivion (No, not the shadow monster). It’s one thing to tell someone they smell bad, but insult their profession and you’re bound to be in trouble. And if you compare them to their most hated enemy, let’s just say you’ll be feeling that energy bolt tomorrow. However, comparing their powers to Jelly World? Hilarious.

13. When All Else Fails – When all else fails, flail your arms wildly.

So, that’s that. Next time a villain emerges and tries to destroy the entire world, just follow these helpful tips and they’ll be defeated in no time!*

The author and The Neopets Team assume no responsibility for any harm, injuries, or death befalling anyone who chooses to follow the preceding tips. Insult people at your own risk. Do not flail without adult supervision.

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