Now with 50% more useless text Circulation: 183,942,985 Issue: 478 | 21st day of Sleeping, Y13
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Never Send a Mystery Capsule to Dr. Sloth: Part Two

by fuzzymonkey31


I knocked nervously on the door. Sloth stood directly behind me, looking at the lists over and over again for really no reason. Maybe he was just curious how many "fuzzy" Neopians are also Sloth lovers.

     The door opened and a bespectacled Mynci looked out.

     "S-s-s-s..." she said, staring past me up to the super-villain. "Sloth!" she finally managed, eyes like saucers. A ghost Korbat came straight through the door and stared as well. Then a human came and stared.

     "Fuzzy?" was all Sloth said, and that made the Korbat fall backwards through the door laughing. The Mynci opened the door wider and stood in the doorway staring. The human had disappeared.

     Sloth smiled confidently.

     "Hello!" he said jovially, patting the Mynci on the head. In one deft movement she had karate chopped his arm, obviously not fond of head-pats. "Ow," he said, hand between his legs, hopping on one foot. The Mynci then slammed the door in our face.

     "Not very hospitable bunch," he said, bent over double. "That really hurt! She must be the Battledome pet of the family."

     I knocked on the door again, and this time the Korbat came back through and welcomed us in.

     As we entered a white Bori trotted in from another room and stopped when he saw me. He stared.

     "Uh, hello, ma'am?" he said uncertainly.

     "I'm a guy," I said icily.

     "Then why...?" But he changed his mind about asking the question when I growled.

     "Bif!" said Sloth, looking back at me reproachfully. "Don't be mean to our hosts. You do look rather like a girl; it's not his fault for being confused."

     I rolled my eyes and stood very still to try and figure this out, but I was interrupted by a scream. The human we had seen earlier came running back into the room. She had long brown hair, was thin and tall and wore plain old jeans and a black T-shirt.

     "Someone stole the muffins!" she said. The pets all gasped. "I went in to see how they were cooling off and they had gone, and this note was sitting in their place!" she added, waving a piece of pink paper around. Sloth grabbed the note and read it quickly.

     "I know this writing! It's the Darkest Faerie!" he said, face getting stormy and teeth grinding horribly. "Why on earth would she steal muffins?" he asked the human. The human shrugged.

     The Mynci had an idea. "They were very special muffins Key and I made, with a bit of magical elixir in them! If you eat one you'll be invincible for an hour!" she said, sobbing. The human looked shocked and placed her hands on her hips.

     "Oh, are they? Mekamuthull Loriann Aslo and Keyathra Bitter Aslo, what have you been doing in my kitchen without telling me?!" she said. The Korbat shook her head and grinned smugly and the Mynci looked woebegone.

     "What'll we do now?" she said, not even trying to answer her mother's question. Sloth had the answer:

     "I'll help you! Bif, go back to the Space Station pronto and get my car!" he said, tossing me some keys. I coughed slightly.

     "Sir, cars don't exist," I said.

     "Oh," Sloth said, suddenly remembering this detail. Apparently he comes from some dimension originally that has these odd things called "cars". They sound very stupid. "I meant 'Get my spaceship!', Bif."

     I sighed, and obeyed my orders.

     — — — — —

     Skipping some boring details that I'm sure you have no wish to read, I'll jump right over them and simply tell you that I got the spaceship, then drove Sloth, Kale the Neopian and her two pets Key and Meka to Faerieland.

     We arrived at an inconspicuous looking cloud and stopped. Sloth left the ship on "hover" and helped us get out and onto the cloud. We snuck along until we came to an unlocked iron door, which Sloth pushed open. We snuck into a corridor which really should have been dark and cobwebby and dank, but instead was pink and purple, with blue cobwebs spun by faerie spyders and lots of very cheerful pictures on the wall.

     We walked along for awhile until we heard a groaning noise. We opened a nearby and peered inside:

     In the middle of a cloudy dreamland in all shades of pink and blue sat a distraught Darkest Faerie, sobbing into her hands.

     Sloth pushed me forward and closed the door nearly all the way. The faerie spun and saw me. I gulped.

     "Why so miserable?" I asked, smiling sympathetically. I really felt like crying now too.

     The faerie sniffed emotionally. "My sister's come for the weekend and she's redecorating my secret lair! It's horrible!" she sobbed, flinging herself onto the ground and kicking her feet. "The clouds should be dark and foreboding! And stormy! But no, she made them pink and blue! It's an insult!"

     I patted her gently on the shoulder as she sobbed.

     "If you'll give me the muffins that you stole from the Aslos..." She jerked her head up, staring at me in shock. I continued, "Then I'll help you get rid of your sister."

     She considered this, then finally gave in. "Fine, deal."

     She left the room (thankfully through a different door than Sloth and the Aslos were listening through), got the muffins and then looked at me critically.

     "How do you propose to get rid of her?" she asked, eyes just slits. I smiled winningly.

     "I'm not quite sure, but I'm sure I'll be able to," I said. "Now, where is she!"

     The Darkest Faerie led me to the door which led to the room where the dreaded pink-loving sister was.

     I entered, and saw, to my shock, Fyora, sitting in the middle of the room, looking through a home improvement magazine.

     "You're the Darkest Faerie's sister?!" I asked incredulously. She spun around and stared at me.

     "Who are you?!" she squeaked, dropping her magazine, which sank into the cloud floor.

     "I'm... a reporter!" I said, brain whirring. "I'm trying to find the next big story for my newspaper, and if it's true that you're the Darkest Faerie's sister and that you've done so little to end her reign of terror, that'll get me a promotion, no doubt!" I said, grinning wildly and wishing I had a pad of paper and a pen to pull whip out of a hidden pocket.

     But that wasn't needed, because Fyora was already on her feet, out the door and running down the hallway. I chased her, yelling out stupid reporter-esque questions and trying hard to keep up in those stupid Neocash shoes.

     I chased her all the way to an exit from the cloud and saw her leap into her cloud racer. I was grinning happily, pride inflating my chest ever second when a green hand grabbed me and dragged me into a passing mini spaceship.

     There was Sloth and all the Aslos, Meka holding the tray of precious muffins.

     "Okay, back home now?" I said shakily.

     "No, we're going after Fyora!" Sloth said, his eyes glowing. I groaned.

     — — — — —

     I woke up in Sloth's big swivel chair, still in my ridiculous outfit. Sloth was across the room, straightening a plaque or something. When he noticed I was awake, he smiled at me brightly.

     "Glad you're up. You were knocked out in a fight with a faerie Uni. You did a wonderful job, Bif," he said proudly. He stalked over to the chair, lifted me out of it and set me down in front of his desk.

     "I'm thinking, since you proved yourself so game to help me in these odd jobs of mine, that I'd like to give you a promotion and a pay raise. Whadya say?"

     I shook my head and took the offensive clothing off. Sloth looked at me, slightly befuddled.

     "What's wrong, Bif?"

     "I'm quitting," I stated, pulling off the glasses and feeling very tempted to try and break them, but I resisted. "These past two days have been agony for me, Sloth, and I will never be able to work for you without every second thinking of these two days and feeling a chill run along my spine." I placed the folded up clothing on his desk, those shoes resting on top, glittering in their extreme femininity.

     Sloth looked at me, his face oddly twisted. "Really?"


     He shook his head, then reached below the desk and pulled out a package. I took from his hands and looked at it, puzzled. It was squishy.

     "Well then, I'll just give you this now. It was going to be a birthday present, but if you're quitting you can have it now," he said, voice slightly choked. "I will miss your punctuality, Bif."

     Then he pressed a button and the floor opened beneath me. I flew down the silvery chute until I hit the foam padding at the end. A mutant Grundo standing near the foam handed me my last paycheck (with a little bonus) and I set off for the locker rooms to collect my junk.

     — — — — —

     When I finally was on the SiPUT (Special interPlanetary Unit of Transportation) leaving the Space Station and heading for Kreludor, I turned my attention back to the package. I tore off the brown paper to find–

     "Ooh nice!" said a kacheek sitting next to me. "Someone must like you a lot to give you an NC item! That's a Daring Sea Captain Coat!" She smiled at me then went back to reading her book.

     I stared at the coat and blinked. It was a manly item. It was warm and fleecy on the inside and the outside felt waterproof.

     I put it on and found a lump in the pocket. I reached into it and pulled out a brown paint brush.

     A manly colour. Not pink.

     I nearly choked. Then I smiled.

The End

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