Hello there, Kestiny at your service! Today as a concerned and loyal Neopian, I decided to bring up the current matter at hand: marshmallows. We’ve all seen these around Neopia, whether in our desserts, soup, toys, coffee, books, and some even go as far as turning them into PETS—I kid you not, my friend. Fortunately for you, I took this current dilemma upon myself in hopes that I will change your mind about this sickly sweet delight (all ways of cheap merchandising, I tell you! They’re anything but innocent!).
As I was saying, I decided to make a list of evidence concerning these vicious things we call “marshmallows.” What you read here today is from careful months of constant researching on these pesky items. I’ve often found myself stuck at a dead end but fear not! I’ve finally completed my research and unraveled the shady truth, ready to share my discoveries to the world. It is solely your decision whether or not to believe me, but I assure you—what you read here today is nothing but THE real deal.
Yes, the real deal.
Are you ready to begin the journey of TRUTH?!
Good, let’s begin!
Item #1: Ghost Marshmallows
Ah, this item seems innocent enough.
Underneath the apparent “cutesy” exterior lies hidden evil. I mean, coming in a package of just one is normal, but FIVE? Pretty suspicious if you ask me. Also, that little ghost mallow in the middle to the left? Yeah, I bet you noticed that he’s missing a smile—HIDDEN, really. The other four marshmallows act as decoys at an attempt to throw you off towards the product as a whole, while secretly there’s one hidden in the middle sitting there tauntingly.
Ready to attack at any given moment—yeah, you heard me.
Ghost Marshmallows? HA! More like Ghost Marshmallows of Evil!
Item #2: Marshmallow Invasion
The name of this book speaks for itself.
Could they be even more obvious about their diabolical plan?!
I’m telling you, the proof lies in that hidden ghost marshmallow smile. I bet at this moment they’re finding ways to plot against us, slowly gathering minions in order to take over Neopia when they least expect it.
Yes, my friends. It is neither the meepits nor Dr. Frank Sloth—
... it is the dreaded marshmallows.
Item #3: Mini Marshmallows on a Stick
If you’re asking, “Is this what I think it is?” then you are right.
This, my fellow Neopian, is their weapon of mass destruction.
It may appear harmless but take a closer look! Do you see the sharp tips at the end of the seemingly “fragile” branch?! This branch might as well be called the branches of STEEL! Ready to penetrate through any pet standing in their way, slicing the wings of powerful faeries, cutting through cake on our birthdays... and here’s the worst part—it can poke our EYES out.
If that isn’t dangerous, I don’t know what is.
Which leads me to the next item...
Item #4: Kacheek Marshmallows on a Stick
IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?!
It’s a death threat, foreshadowing the fate of us all.
And what will decide our doom? Yeah, you got it—the branches of steel.
Item #5: Marshmallow Grundo, Chocolate Dipped Marshmallow Grundo, Strawberry Marshmallow Grundo, etc.
Remember my subtle comment towards the gathering of marshmallow minions? Well, there we have it, folks. And what better way for them to start than with the Grundos! Do you see the gleam in those little marshmallow eyes...? It’s red! RED! Red is the color of evil and strawberry flavored goodies! It figures, really. I mean, have you seen all the Grundos that Dr. Frank Sloth has?!
Come on, Marshmallow Leader, if you’re going to take over Neopia, at least be a bit original about it with your choice of followers!
Item #6: Marshmallow Grundo Plushie
I have to hand it to them, this item had me fooled at first.
My original thought upon seeing this plushie was, “Aww! Marshmallow pets are adorable!” There are two things wrong with that sentence: One, I don’t say “adorable” nor do I associate myself and/or any objects under that category. Two, marshmallows originate from the fruit (or factory) of pure evil—therefore it is utterly impossible for it to be deemed even the least bit “adorable.”
Item #7: Meepit Juice Break Marshmallow
A worshiping monument of the meepits?!
Even worse, made entirely of marshmallows... as if we needed to combine the forces of two (yes, TWO) evils. It’s defying the laws of the Earth Faerie, it simply cannot be done—but they did it.
Who exactly are we dealing with here?
I’m afraid to find out.
Item #8: Chocolate Marshmallow Pasty
This item is notoriously symbolic, there’s no doubt about that.
Let me elaborate.
The outer dough represents our fragile skulls, the protector of our brains which is the most important part of our body (aside from the heart, that is). Why is this brain so important, you ask? Because our brains aid us in our daily tasks, ordering our bodies to breathe, eat, sleep, move, etc. as we want. Now do you see the stuffed marshmallows in that pasty?
You got it, the marshmallows represent our brains.
And do you see the chocolate?
That, is the CORRUPTION, the EVIL, and the LIES of the marshmallows that are slowly penetrating our pure minds (which isn’t really made of marshmallows, I promise!). Soon our brains will be like that of the Chocolate Marshmallow Pasty.
That will be a sad day indeed.
Item #9: Usuki Marshmallow Set
The marshmallow manufacturers (The Leader) are pretty clever, aiming their products at the young pets. Who can resist this fun-loving marshmallow set (except me)? Usukis these days are some of the most demanded toys in Neopia, each day the factory being able to manufacture 5,000 dolls at the least! More dolls means more sets. More sets means more of those tainted Usuki Marshmallow Sets.
It really irks me how the Leader has gotten this far into the merchandising of their marshmallow products, due to the fact that the majority of Neopians are still left in the dark towards their plans.
Which is why I’m here! But still...
Item #10: Marshmallow Milkshake
Believe it or not, this is the item that started it all.
One day while I was casually browsing through the Food Shop I came across this little number, which was waiting prettily and decorated on the counter for me to purchase. ‘It was fate!” I originally thought, because it led me to my wonderful discoveries of the unknown world of marshmallow madness.
But back to my story.
So after I purchased the milkshake, I went to sit by the Rainbow Pool in order to drink my shake peacefully... and then IT happened.
The marshmallow—in all its white evil—got caught in the straw.
Of course it was no trouble, I’ve dealt with difficult foods before. So I added more pressure and BAM! The liquid (of EVIL) hit my throat with such force that I found myself choking on the darned thing, unable to spit it back out because of its gooey substance that lodged itself stubbornly in my throat.
I was devastated and horrified—I was going to die.
Luckily the Grarrl passing by knew the basics of the Heimlich maneuver and he saved my life (in which I am eternally grateful, of course). After that petrifying day, my life failed to remain the same. And one day while watering my beautiful garden filled with dreary roses I suddenly had a thought—
...marshmallow milkshakes were created to intentionally destroy the lives of others!
And thus my research began...