Still thwarting Sloth's mind control... Circulation: 174,678,845 Issue: 383 | 13th day of Running, Y11
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In Other News: More Changes in Neopia


by yippo_yippee

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I am back.

Following on from our last report, new data has emerged from the DC-Height-Monitor crew showing that Darigan Citadel will not collide with Virtupets thus bringing upon Neopia the big bang capable of wiping out the entire world. The drastic movement of 0.0001 metres away from Neopia which had sparked the alleged event was quieted as Darigan Citadel settled 0.0002 metres closer to Neopia. “In order for Darigan Citadel to return to its original placement,” John Faerielover explained, “they would have to move 0.0001 metres closer to Neopia’s globe, yet instead, they moved 0.00002 metres – which is quite disturbing, considering the extra digit”. This sudden move probes for further research into Darigan Citadel’s placement in order to determine the possibility of Darigan Citadel colliding with Neopia and causing a big bang capable of wiping out Virtupets altogether.

Finding its way into the art gallery this week was a rather disturbing submission by an artist who calls himself “the great big man of evil and authentic hair gel”. It was later revealed that Sloth is in fact the man behind the façade and may be considering a career in the arts. The painting he painted depicts an image of Sloth himself playing with a big bouncy ball. Such entries to the gallery are unheard of and have stirred interesting debates. Art psychiatrist Jesuis Artistic (who has never treated Sloth... whoever lives to tell the tale?) says that the image “is implying that Sloth feels the desire to play with a big bouncy ball”. Orders are being placed to have the image removed and sunk to the depths of Maraqua as we speak.

In conjunction with his sudden obsession with bouncy balls, Sloth intends to save the world and even issued this statement, quoted directly from his mouth: “As long as the follicles of my hair remain adequately saturated in my favourite hair product, I will strive to thrust upon all you insignificant life forms justice!” Somehow, analysts are picking up tyrannical vibes from the oddity of his sentence structure but upon learning that a rather lethal laser gun was currently on the choleric Sloth’s person, failed to identify any substantial reasons to say thus.

The DoN’s leading chief man, Judge Hog, has sued fellow DoN member, Captain K, for “cramping his style”. Apparently to Hog, K’s uniform is too similar to his own, despite the distinctive difference in color and tone. When questioned whether he was color blind, Hog merely snorted and decked the questioner with a precise swipe of his paw. No more questions were asked. In a string of crazy events, Hog released Meuka on one condition – that he slimed all over K’s uniform to make it unrecognizable. A new laundry mat has since opened.

Soaring paint brush prices have indicated an international obsession of painting pets in Neopia. The craze which had started off as an experimental trip to the Rainbow Pool launched into a full blown painting spree with more than 85% ACers repainting their pets, 75% of BCers and so forth. In fact, surprising records have proven that 100% of pets created by Neopians –amazingly, especially newbies- come painted in one of these seemingly obsessive shades of color: red, green, blue and yellow. A disgraced Pets-Appreciation-Board activist, Joan Deathbringer, claims that painting pets is ridiculous and utterly unnecessary. “I do not see how the concept of painting pets should be included as an aspect of daily Neopian life,” she told the media. “Of course, the coating of a pet in paint can be justified as affection towards the poor victim, who will evidently smell of a newly furnished neohome after the paint, but why would you do that when you can adopt an innocent –and equally painted- pet from the Pound?” Joan Deathbringer demanded of all Neopians. She is currently being redirected to an asylum.

Two regular Kelp diners are currently in the Neopian Hospital in critical condition after a public display of violence broke out in Maraqua’s only adequate restaurant. Protestors armed with breadsticks stormed into the restaurant, urging Kelp to stop stealing all the kelp from the Underwater Fishing Game. The waiters became visibly flustered and ended up giving free samples of Thornberry grog which prompted a horde of Golden Dubloon diners to storm into their counterpart’s restaurant and angrily object to the idea of selling Krawk Island foods at Kelp. What remains of Kelp is currently in the process of being rebuilt. Again. The two Kelp diners will be undergoing surgery to remove the kelp which has latched onto their fins, tails, teeth and eyes.

A Virtupets Grundo has been hospitalized in the Neopian Hospital after he allegedly passed out in his newly built Virtupets neohome. “I thought that Virtupets had finally reached Neopia so I thought it would be safe,” the dazed Grundo said. The MEEP committee had found no faults of the neohome. The Grundo is in no immediate danger, merely suffering from oxygen inhalation.

Now I pass over to Drabolius for the sports report.

***

Thanks again, Expulsed.

More yooyuball rumors continue to surface even after the Cup’s terminal earlier this year. Yooyuball fans have likened Darigan Citadel’s right forward; Tandrak Shaye to Terror Mountain’s left defender, Selwick Phoss. This rather bizarrely matched rumor has sparked a query in the minds of all fanatics: Is Tandrak Shaye related to Selwick Phoss? To this, Phoss answers, “I do not see any resemblance between Shaye and me. JubJubs and Gelerts do not resemble one another.” Tandrak agreed, issuing this statement: “I am offended that any of you even suggested that. Even the fur on my forehead is shaking in rage.” But indeed it was his tuft of fur which sparked the query. Apparently, during the player photo shots, Phoss looked exactly like the tuft of fur on Shaye’s head. Both vehemently denied it. Tandrak Shaye has since had a hair cut.

The Realistic-Views Committee leader, Illusion Deception, is notably arguing that Meridell’s famous cheese rolling game is a dud. Quoting directly from his mouth, Deception said, “It is not humanely possible to dodge potholes and if you were accidentally running a cheese into an obvious tree or boulder visible from any vantage point, losing six seconds on the clock should not be the biggest of your worries like the game implies.” The Cheese Rolling Techo is currently replacing boulders with invisible rocks and is attempting to do the same for the trees.

Sabre, my dear friend. What does the weather bring?

***

Ahem, Drab. Remember: strict professionalism, please.

Weather in Neopia Central rarely changes which is why it was quite an exciting morning when the atmosphere changed from gloomy to sunny, to rainy to thunder. The shift of temperatures was thought to be the results of the globe of Neopia experiencing “mood swings”. “At the moment, Neopia is feeling anxious and perhaps a little hungry,” says Robert Firelighter, researcher at A-Happy-Neopia. “You see how she rotates slightly faster than yesterday? That’s a clear indication of agitation.”

It seems several icebergs in Terror Mountain are melting. Terror Mountain has sent out a plea for help but has been ignored by the majority of Neopians as everyone struggles to even remember seeing icebergs in Terror Mountain. This supposed event is causing Terror Mountain’s temperatures to decrease rapidly, a contradiction of what really should be happening if this is the case. Terror Mountain has been predicted to experience an ice age if nothing is done to stop the continuous melting of the nonexistent icebergs.

That’s all for weather, Expulsed.

***

Thank you, Sabre. That’s all we have time for this week. I’m Expulsed, signing off from In Other News. Until we meet again, farewell.

 
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