Now with 50% more useless text Circulation: 177,073,951 Issue: 331 | 22nd day of Awakening, Y10
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The Pant Devil - An Expose


by sarahreye

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'The Pant Devil'. It's a name we Neopians know all too well. Almost every day, another citizen of our fair Neopia is being attacked by this menace. His smug, blue face is known all throughout the lands, from the Haunted Woods all the way to Altador. But does anybody actually know this villain? Do we ever seek to understand the mechanics behind his obviously muddled brain? No. Instead we make merchandise, clothing, books, and above all, we taunt him in multiple fashions.

Now many Neopians have lured this fiend using various items, and have entered articles into the Neopian Times including interviews with the malicious lover of trousers. This article I am entering is something different entirely. You see, I have fathomed the courage to do something that no other reporter is willing to do.

I have entered the very lair of the Pant Devil.

I believed the best place to start was in the Haunted Woods. Where better a place to find a villain? So I took a quick journey across to the spooky forest itself. Along the way I ran into the usual shops and stores, selling spooky jack-o-lanterns and disgusting-yet-for-some-reason valuable candies. But it was only once I left the actual roads that I truly learnt why this area was called 'The Haunted Woods'. You see, once you leave the civilisation of the area... things become a little more... creepy. Trees seem to have a mind of their own, ruffling as you pass. Little gleaming eyes poke out of the bushes, and your mind keeps telling you that you can hear footsteps. I was even chased down by several hags attempting to sell me what looked a little like parts of a brain. Needless to say, I got rid of them by whacking them with sticks until they ran away.

So I trekked on, braving the bad weather (actually it was quite nice, really). After I had been going for about an hour, I realised that I didn't even know where I was supposed to be heading to. I took out a Haunted Woods map and sat on a rock. After finding out that this rock was actually a rather disgruntled grey Grarrl and running away, I sat down on a real rock, and pondered. I pondered and pondered. I took out my research on the notorious villain, and tried to figure out where would be the best direction to go. Suddenly, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. There, on the ground in front of me, was a pair of rather stylish purple pants. I shrieked with excitement, leaped forward, and soon enough found a whole trail of assorted pants.

I followed the trail for a long time. Then, as I had just finished picking up a delightful pair of white pants with love hearts on them, I saw what lay before me. It was a huge cave, bigger than any I had seen anywhere. And I've seen a lot of caves.

I reluctantly treaded inside. It was echoey, cold, dark, and smelled like pants. I knew at this point that I was definitely in the right place. As I proceeded, I noticed that eventually several lanterns appeared on the caveside, lighting up the dwelling. I grinned with excitement. Then I did my little 'I'm the best reporter in the world' dance, and moved on. It's a really cool dance. I ought to show you sometime. But the story is more important!

As I neared the end of the cave, I heard a shuffling noise. I sighed. There was nothing here except a chair and some other pieces of furniture. No Pant Devil to be seen. Then, just as I was about to leave the cave, I felt a tugging on the end of my pants. I grabbed my belt quickly, then lowered my vision to see none other than the Pant Devil himself.

There was an awkward pause there. Why? Well, it's a little bit weird when you're trying to pull down someone's pants and they catch you... not like I would know or anything..*nervous cough* So anyway, I summoned up the courage to speak. I had hoped at that point that I would think of something really clever and scary to say like 'COME HITHER, PANT DEVIL, AVAST, AND LET GO OF MY PANTS, OR I SHALL THWART THEE'. But instead I kinda just came out with an, "Ummm... hi".

At this, the Devil let go of my pants, and stared at me unusually. Then he spoke. His voice was raspy and dry. "What are you doing in my cave? I have it on good authority that I should be able to kick you out of here for trespassing." I was shocked. He was a villain and he was telling me about trespassing?

"Mr. Pant Devil... I'm here writing an article for the Neopian Times... I'd be happy if you could answer a few questions for me?"

He glared at me. "No. Get out."

I somehow knew this reaction was at hand, so I pulled out my secret weapon. A pair of limited edition, beautifully crafted leather pants. I grinned as his jaw dropped.

"I suppose I could answer... a... few questions." He gulped, his eyes gleaming at the sight of the pants.

So our Interview had begun:

Sarah: So, Mr. Pant Devil...

Pant Devil: Please, call me PD.

Sarah: Okay... So, How did your fascination with Pant... err... 'collecting' begin?

PD: Well, my parents were much like gypsies, they roamed the many plateaus of Neopia. I accompanied them on their travels, and because of this, I got to see a lot of pants. But living the poor lifestyle was such a downer, I could never afford to buy my own pants. So that was my first encounter with pants, and pantkind.

Sarah: Naturally. Then what happened?

PD: Well, my childhood took a sad turn, and my parents abandoned me. I was forced to fend out in the wild for a long time, before I was taken in by a mystical tribe. They were all pant lovers too. So my natural love of Pants, mixed with being raised by Pant lovers is mainly what caused my Pant collecting joy.

Sarah: I have an interesting question for you. I always used to mis-read your name as the 'Paint Devil'. Do you hate it when people misname you?

PD: Oh very much. Paint can, in no way, compare to the splendor of Pants.

Sarah: I see. There's a lot of stuff about you everywhere today. It seems that almost everything has 'The Pant Devil' printed on it. What are your thoughts on your merchandising?

PD: Well, how can I complain? I may not get any of the proceeds, but it's a delight to have a fanclub and have my work recognised.

Sarah: Interesting... What is your favourite type of pants?

PD: Unusual as it is, I actually really like pants with little pictures on them. I think they build character.

Sarah: Some people believe that gemstones and colors hold certain qualities. Do you believe this about pants?

PD: Of course! For example, one who wears blue pants is often calmed. Green pants cause liveliness, whereas red pants tend to cause energy or anger. Leather pants make you feel snooty, and scrappy pants raise your respect for the poor. Pants with pictures of leaves on them cause you to want to steal from the Money Tree, and pants with stripes on them make you feel nervous. Tyrannian pants lower your IQ, and black pants make you feel chic.

Sarah: Isn't that a bit unfair saying that Tyrannian pants make you stupid?

PD: It's true, though! Try it out sometime, I'm sure you'll be delightful surprised.

Sarah: I'm sure. Do people ever have casual conversations with you?

PD: Why yes, of course! Like I said before, I have a fanclub. I regularly run into members of this club and we have nice little chats.

Sarah: Sweeet. There are lots of rumours that all the villains get together and play 'Cheat'. Is this true?

PD: I can't tell you that. It's confidential.

Sarah: I'm sure you're just saying that because you get beaten all the time?

PD: THAT'S NOT TRUE... I mean... Sloth... he's a dirty liar! One time he put down six kings. SIX kings. I mean. Come on!

Sarah: That's pretty amazing. I have one more question for you. It's an important one.

PD: Go ahead.

Sarah: Why do you feel the need to steal the pants of Neopian Citizens?

PD: Well, when I was still with my parents, I was often taunted by other children because of the state of my pants. They were baggy things with lots of holes, because that's all I could afford. Then it dawned upon me on day. Why bother trying to buy pants when I could steal them, getting new pants, and also getting revenge at the same time?

Sarah: Well, that's just great. I'm happy for you, I suppose.

PD: Now, it's been a delight talking to you... can I have the leather pants now?

Sarah: No. They're mine.

PD: What!? You said you were going to give them to me!

Sarah: No I didn't. *maniacal cackle*

PD: But... But that's not fair! You... you said that...

At this point an expression of anger crossed his face, and the Pant Devil chased me out of his den. To tell you the truth, I was happy to be out of there. The smell of pants was really making me nauseated.

So I was out in the open, having recorded the interview. You can choose not to believe me. I don't care. I know deep inside that I have done something that's never been done before.

So to complete my article, I'd like to just say a little something about this villain. Is it really fair to judge this fiend upon his actions? After having such a troublesome and taunting childhood? Isn't he at least entitled to have a little bit of credit for the fact that he has become a household name? And don't we all know that the land of Neopia would be a troubling place if it wasn't for the gentle hum of his stealing pants? I think that he's been unfairly judged, and that...

Wait what is that... I can feel something tugging on my pants...

Hey!

What are you doing? Get away from those!

Hey you little devil! Come back here! Those are mine! Oh I feel so exposed... COME BACK HERE... MY PANTS!

Man, I hate that guy...

If this gets in, that means second article! Whoop Whoop! I'd just like to thank my mum :D Cause she's uber cool.

 
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