Now with 50% more useless text Circulation: 111,611,307 Issue: 221 | 22nd day of Celebrating, Y7
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series
 

20 Things you DON'T Want Under the Christmas Tree


by skittleiciousgirl

--------

HAPPY VALLEY - It's that special time of year again. You know, the time of year when everyone around you has that special feeling of giving. The time of year where you hear carols everywhere you go and the air is full of merry laughter. The time of year when the Marketplace is so packed with restockers and bargain hunters, it's a great danger to lurk there. Can you guess what holiday I'm talking about? ... What? Halloween? How on Neopia did you get that idea? I'm talking about CHRISTMAS.

Now that you know - well, I think you know - what I'm talking about, you may wonder what this is all leading up to. So here it is... What do many neopets and owners look forwards to the most? Presents! But every year, lots of people bustle over to the Christmas tree and discover something that's not really to their liking. I mean, one time I received a bit of barbed wire! Sure, that'll really add a lot of decoration to the Neohome.

So as I stand here munching candy canes and dodging snowballs from mischievous grundos, I want to present to you a list of what you DON'T want to see under the Christmas tree. Yeah, it's another list article. Please don't hurt me.

Anyway, heed my warning; this may dampen your holiday spirit. Muahaha. Um, I mean merry Christmas and enjoy!

1. Dung. Well, some rather strange people will squeal with joy when they see it. But if you leave it lying under the tree all night long, it adds an icky stench to the room.

2. School supplies. I don't want to fill out my thank you cards with something like "Dear (insert name here), thanks for the notebook paper! It was really nice of you. Especially since Neoschools don’t even exist! Happy Holidays!"

3. Poisonous Jelly. I think the last thing you would want to do on Christmas is spend the whole day stuck with your sick pets that have caught Neomonia.

4. A packet of gravel. Whoohoo! Let's go give the road outside a makeover!

5. A squashed tomato. It's all... squashed. Now I can't even throw it at those annoying Christmas carolers!

6. A little cheery holiday card that says "Thank you for shopping at the Marketplace! We will need 250,000 neopoints by tomorrow or we will be forced to hunt you down. Have a wonderful Christmas!"

7. A yellow snowball. Ewwww, who knows how it became yellow...

8. A Kadoatie. Once it sees you it will never stop wailing until you feed it neggs and any other rare gourmet foods worth at least 100,000 NP.

9. Books. I mean, unless you want to display it in your gallery, I don't see the point in having a super smart pet. Neoschools aren't coming out any time soon. And either way, whenever I try to read my pets a book, they throw it back in my face and scream "That is like such a boring book!" Seriously, they throw it in my face. I haven't liked the book "Advanced Poetry" ever since it gave me a black eye.

10. A Mortog. All your pet has to do is get really excited, kiss it, then kaboom! Instant mess that takes hours to clean up. What a wonderful way to spend the holidays.

11. An Abominable Snowball. Yet another petpet I don't like and possible other Neopians don't as well. I've spent several times delighting my neopets with these cute little guys. But I've spent an equal amount of time lying to them when they find a small puddle left on the floor after one night and their precious petpet gone. I can't believe they actually fell for the one about how it ran away to the non-existent Jelly World and wet its bed before it left.

12. Toenail Soup. I don't even want to imagine who those toenails belong to. *shudders*

13. Pickled Olives. You know, they wouldn't be so bad if I could open them. I and my pets combined can't even open it. Even when you drop it off a cliff, it doesn't break. So now we have over a dozen jars of pickled olives rotting away in our Safety Deposit Box.

14. The Stuff. No... NO! It can't be! Run for your lives! It's THE STUFF! If you ever see the Stuff anywhere near you, donate it to the Money Tree right away. Or even better, give it to someone you don't appreciate as a present. They'll be so delighted with this wonderful gift, you won't ever hear from them again!

15. Sponge Grundo Sponge. Wow. The next thing they'll be making is a Sponge Grundo Sponge Sponge... Sponge. Ack! It's so confusing! Make it sto-o-o-o-op!

16. A pile of sludge. No one really wants sludge. I've got so much sludge already I could build an extra neohome.

17. Tiki Tack Keyring. I don't see the point in these. Unless you want to display it in a gallery, you can't use it. It'll just sit there until you donate or discard it. Well, like the description says, you can turn it into an earring. But I only have two ears, and twenty seven keyrings.

18. Sloth Faerie Plushie. Okay, green wings and brown hair do not go well with the whole evil genius look.

19. Stale Bread. I tried to eat this once but it was so hard I lost a tooth. So now it is currently being used as a doorstop.

20. Squishy Brain Wrap. Yuck! It's brain food. Literally.

And there you have it. A list of all the items you shouldn't buy when you're doing your holiday shopping. If for some strange reason you want these sort of things, I suggest checking the Money Tree. You'll find loads of junk there. And if you're trying to get the pack rat avatar, some of this stuff is perfect for you! Cheap stuff that's easy to find. What more could you want? Maybe a million neopoints, a luxurious neohome, a hundred paint brushes, an impressive trophy cabinet, and an award winning gallery. Not much, really.

I would continue, but I must go waste my neopoints on some scratchcards. Have fun shopping! And if you've already done your holiday shopping, good luck trying to wrap all those presents!

 
Search the Neopian Times




Great stories!


---------

Ehm...
It's that time of year again...

by ladyariel32

---------

What Not To Do at Holiday Parties
The least you can do is grit your teeth, plaster a smile on your face and follow these gentle reminders to have a good time.

by playmobil_is_my_life

---------

Snowball Fight!
You are supposed to throw snowballs at the Neopets and Petpets on the other side of the cool-colorful-stone-thing wall. That means no hitting Faeries.

by fip

---------

Starry Stuff
Where's my Sketched Babaa?

by marilltachiquin



Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.