Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 90,555,864 Issue: 166 | 12th day of Storing, Y6
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50 Ways To "Finish" A Boring Book

by gingie8


Hello! My name is Landia74, the invisible Kacheek of Gingie8. I’ll be hosting this article today to give you 50 simple tips on “finishing” a book you’d rather NOT read. Believe me, these techniques will be very simple once you’ve practiced on a few books!

Suppose that your owner gave you a book called Krawk Dental Care, when you’re a Baby Shoyru who couldn’t care less about dental care because you don’t actually have teeth. Even though you don’t want to read it, you grudgingly accept the book to make your owner happy. Now what do you do? Well, for one thing, you should have turned it down while you had the chance. Ooh, you’re just itching to hear the rest, aren’t you? Well, okay, on with the article. No more listening to lousy introductions!

And we begin with 50!

50. If you are a Skeith, Grarrl, or any Neopet who enjoys chewing paper in their mouth (which leaves a very disgusting aftertaste…not that I ate paper…), then EAT the book!

49. Go to the Battledome and look for any pet with a Zafara Torch…then, throw the book at the pet and/or fire and watch it burn!

48. Pound it into oblivion (if you have more strength than two weak things, that is).

47. Donate it to the Money Tree; someone else might want to read your donated book!

46. Let the Nimmo in the Magical Bookshop sit on it so he feels taller.

45. Ask your owner if she wants to read it before you do (in which the book may never return to you again because, in most cases, your owner is too absorbed in the book to recognize that you just don’t want to read it).

44. Make the book a hat for your head and hope that your owner doesn’t notice it.

43. Toss it at one of your siblings (if you have none, then toss to your Petpet) and ask if THEY want to read the book.

42. Paste the book onto your wall and say that it’s “decoration” to make your room look pretty.

41. Distract your owner for a whole day by juggling, dancing, and singing songs…making him or her forget about that book.

40. Shove the book down your throat and pretend to have Ugga-Ugga. When your owner examines your throat, they will only see a healthy throat with a soggy book stuck inside it.

39. Walk around Neopia, searching for a quest. Then, if you see a quest in which your unwanted book is needed, give it to them and blame it on the Faerie who wanted you to give them the book when your owner asks where the book is.

38. Request a game called “Get The Book In The Garbage” to be made, with you as the main character and the unwanted book as the book you have to get in the garbage.

37. Convince Adam that it’s a new kind of asparagus and force him to eat it.

36. Just skim through the useless book and PRETEND you actually absorbed all of the information.

35. Flush it down the toilet, hoping that nobody plans on using that toilet again.

34. Unless your owner is more intelligent than YOU are, which I highly doubt, fabricate some lie about the reason you didn’t read the book.

33. Give the book to your friend. If you don’t have any, well, have your owner make a new account with a few other pets and give it to them.

32. Cry your poor little eyes out so your owner will buy you a lollipop. While he or she is out, dispose of the book in any means possible.

31. Wash the book in water. Trust me on this one; your owner will KNOW that you’ve touched the book! (If you don’t have water in your house, travel to Maraqua and bring the book with you.)

30. Think of a better idea than I can for getting rid of your book and fill it in here.

29. Read the back of the volume and tell your owner that you read the WHOLE thing in three minutes because of your amazing speed and intelligence. Works especially well on uneducated pets, as your owner will be impressed.

28. Scribble in your book and explain that you thought that the insignificant book was merely a coloring book.

27. Purchase a Pusberry and press it into your book like you would a flower. This will result in your book being not only a flower-pressing book, but this also destroys it and could increase its value! Just think…the only Pusberry-Filled Krawk Dental Care Book! You could be a millionaire!

26. Cook it in the Giant Omelette, and make sure you get the piece with your insignificant (and scorched, due to the sun cooking the Giant Omelette AND book) source of knowledge. If you eat the whole thing, you DID finish the book! In a way…

25. Make a shirt out of the novel and give it to your owner. She’ll think it’s adorable and will be wearing what should have been in your brain!

24. Avoid the book by any means. Don’t talk about it or anything related to it (for example, if the book was Krawk Dental Care, you should avoid speaking of: Krawks, books, dental care, other things in that field).

23. Just read the book. I’m sure we’ve all HAD to read a manuscript one time or another, so I suggest you cope with the pain, misery, and drowsiness and open it up.

22. Read the Neopian Times! There’s probably at least ONE other tip on removing this book from the premises in any way possible…or perhaps an article saying, “Books are good!” Show any of these to your legal guardian, and highlight an area specifying that pets should not be forced to read books that they don’t wish to.

21. Consult a pet that hasn’t read a single book in their life. In the process of a long interview or perhaps a question-and-answer session, beg them to take the book off your hands (or paws/claws/talons).

20. Write a boring paperback book of your own and give it to your owner to read. Perhaps your caretaker will soon realize that the book she gave to you was a bore!

19. Have a marshmallow roast! Who can resist a fluffy marshmallow, a melted piece of chocolate, or the smoky smell of your book in the bonfire that you’re roasting your food upon?

18. Feed it to the Esophagor! He loves to eat, doesn’t he? Mmm, scrolls of knowledge would sound especially delightful to him! He will be intelligent because of your unwanted intelligence! The only bad thing: he will hunger for MORE and MORE books, and he will devour you if you don’t give him more! (Oh no!)

17. Buy a leash, wrap it around the book, and call it a stray Petpet.

16. Put on a magic show, and make the book disappear! (In other words, toss it into the nearest garbage pail in your house in front of your owner.)

15. Secretly place it into a mass-merchandise icon of Neopia and wait for someone to purchase the book with his or her item (for example, some kind of Usuki doll).

14. Whack random staff members on the head with it. If it’s a heavy novel, they will confess that they are banana milkshakes in disguise before being knocked out!

13. Host a BOOK FIGHT! Books will be provided by all of those boring books you’ve compiled over the years. Tomatoes cannot be provided, however--I’m going to make some tomato soup today after I raid your refrigerator--I mean, I’m going to give them to the needy Neopians.

12. Advertise on the Neopets chat room. Go to every board, then spread the word about your boring book so someone will either purchase it or see how awful the book is and take pity on you!

11. Seven words: art work. Oh wait, that’s two! Um, anyway, you can make a collage out of random pictures in the book and sell it for thousands of Neopoints! It’ll be the only one of its kind, I can assure you! (But include your name, because nobody will know who created the masterpiece otherwise.)

10. Buy some nice Christmas presents for your family and friends. In one of them, sneak in that awful book you’d prefer to not keep stored in your memory banks. How will your owner find out?

9. Instead of “finishing” the book by destroying or using it in another form, finish the book by bringing it to the Game Graveyard! Along with Techo Says, Kau Korrall, and Mutant Graveyard of Doom…now there’s your deceased book that’s stuck in a scary haunted graveyard! Hurrah!

8. Tell a tall tale about the book, which will now known as “The Lost Scribe”. Everyone will want to know what it is, and you’ll get great gifts just for them to see “The Lost Scribe”. Will they be disappointed when you show them an ordinary boring book!

7. Pick out one page with your lucky number written on it, read that page, and discard of it immediately. Hey, you DID read it, right?

6. Scheme of other ways to “finish” the book, or “destroy and remove” in many of these instances, in your own brain. Write a log of this--IN the uninteresting book.

5. Use it in Gormball. Millions play this game; I’m sure one of them will be whacked in the face with a sopping-wet paperback that they wish to discard of!

4. Put it up for auction at 5 NP or lower--WITHOUT your owner finding out. You’re sure to make a tidy profit while evicting your lackluster story from the premises!

3. Tell your owner that you’ll finish it right away (they’ll believe you too!) and hide it under your bed or chair.

2. Actually discard it, by use of a drop-down menu controlled by your guardian. You can always sneak out of the computer and do this yourself!

1. Swallow the fumes of any paintbrushes by the Rainbow Pool and cough all over the book. It’ll be convincing enough to the point where you can tell your owner that it vanished into a cloud of purple/orange/electric smoke.

So there you have it…50 ways to “finish”, or in this case “wipe out and cast off”, your books! Please trust me here--it will be handy in the future, simply because I have read several boring books, and I’ve used any and all of these methods--

(Gingie8: AHEM!!!)

I mean, all of the books were absolutely DARLING, so just use these if you can’t stand the books! Thank you all, for reading this!

(Gingie8: She hasn't done ANY of this...she just wants to fit in, as you can see. All of the books I bought for her are enchanting, so....HEY! How did the book disappear into a BABY smoke!?)

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