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lordbarny - Food Critic


by the_spirit_realm

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lordbarny, Food Critic

     Greetings, my adoring fans! You might recall my previous listicle from a while back, steering all my faithful readers to suitable reading material with my witty comments. However, after that particular instance, I may have, uh, offended a certain Library Faerie with my scathing remarks, and we have been exchanging some rather heated Neomails ever since.

     So! Since literature is clearly a touchy subject, I have decided to turn my extraordinary paws to culinary critique instead. No, we aren’t talking about such basics like the Soup Kitchen or the horribly stale popcorn you can cadge from Movie Central. This is the best of fine dining, expertly scouted out by yours truly, from little hole-in-the-wall places to haute cuisine that only the richest can aspire to grace their doorways!

     Forget Kelp. That’s so last week.

     (Disclaimer: I have no control over lordbarny or what he considers a restaurant. Proceed at your own risk).

      1. The Kadoatery, Neopian Plaza

     lordbarny’s favourite dish: Grey Toast

      His comments: This is quite the noisy place! Delightfully themed with little Kadoaties presenting the meals to you, it becomes a sport to fight this little Petpet for your dessert. At approximately 2 million Neopoints, Grey Toast is wonderful for a rainy day, and you’ll burn off the calories quite quickly as you hold your own against a Kadoatie’s claws with your fork. Regrettably, I was not allowed to take one home with me.

     (Editor’s note: I’ve sent an apologetic fruit basket to the Kadoatery to stop the flurry of complaints).

     2. The Hidden Tower, Faerie City

     lordbarny’s favourite dish: Everlasting Apple

     His comments: This beautiful tower doesn’t have a wide array of dishes; in fact, the only thing on offer is the Everlasting Apple, so I must deduct points for lack of variety. Nonetheless, the apple is crisp and sweet, amplified by the gorgeous balcony where you can sit and enjoy the view of Faerie City. However, customer service is abysmal, and I was promptly vacated. I would not recommend unless you are thoroughly enamoured with overpriced apples.

     3. Glass Bottom Boat Tours, Kiko Lake

     lordbarny’s favourite dish: Clam Chowder in a Bread Bowl

     His comments: As you can probably tell by now, my favourite thing is food with a view. The Glass Bottom Boat Tours have particularly lax views on searching bags, so I was able to bring my lunch in without detection. It makes for a relaxing time as you behold the citizens of Kiko Lake, and those of you with gills might consider it worth diving to the bottom of the lake itself to see what else they have on offer. I did get many irritated looks from fellow patrons, but do not despair – they are simply jealous they didn’t come up with such a splendid idea themselves.

     4. Edna’s Tower, Haunted Woods

     lordbarny’s favourite dish: Tombscones

     His comments: This is certainly a strange little place; Edna does not accept money. Instead, she insists that you bring her various ingredients before she will serve you the food you have ordered. How bizarre! I reminded myself that not everyone has the Super Shop Wizard on demand, so I relented and went searching. Quite how she produced Tombscones out of Glittery Gold Soap and a Rainbow Elephante Toy, I have no idea, but the result was quite edible. Would recommend if you fancy a little whimsy with your afternoon tea.

     5. Lutari Island, Unnamed Residence

     lordbarny’s favourite dish: None, as they refused to serve me!

     His comments: Now I am fully aware that Lutari Island has been a source of mystery for a very long time, but that was not to deter a bold critic like myself. So I chartered a boat and set off for their misty shores. I could clearly see buildings there, so my conclusion was that there must be something to discover, new culinary delights to be sampled. But alas, it was not to be. Try as I might, I could not seem to find a path through the dense greenery that framed the shoreline and was forced to turn back in disgust. One star. I do not recommend.

     6. Giant Omelette, Tyrannian Plateau

     lordbarny’s favourite dish: Honey Blossom Omelette

     His comments: For a little rustic charm, Tyrannia is the place to go. The Giant Omelette serves both the poor and the wealthy, and thus I was able to attend this restaurant much more easily than my previous endeavours. They have a wide variety of omelettes on offer, but to my dismay, they will not let you choose your meal. Moreover, it seems to be random, so some pets will walk away with a Chocolate Omelette whilst others will be stuck with a mere Clay Omelette. Needless to say, I snuck back through several times in cunning disguises, until I finally managed to snag a piece of Honey Blossom, which was very much worth it.

     7. Magma Pool, Moltara Caves

     lordbarny’s favourite dish: Fried Ginger

     His comments: Now this is surely a sight to behold! Take a seat by the Magma Pool, and pet watch as crowds try and find the elusive time they can enter the pool. Moltara is perfect for those freezing winter months up in Neopia Central, and with Molten Morsels just around the corner, you can pick up a piping hot snack and thoroughly warm up. Granted, I don’t think the guard understood why I wanted to eat here and not throw myself into boiling lava, but he was generally a good sport about it and let me stay for several hours. He also seemed to appreciate me bringing him a Sweet Potato Fizzy Drink, so I may return here for future musings.

     And there you have it, everyone! Seven crucially underappreciated eateries that I discovered through skill alone. I encourage you all to do the same – take a trip down those unexplored alleys or small parts of town. With a little imagination, wit, and daring, you’ll never know what you could find!

     (Editor’s note: just have a substantial budget on hand for letters of apology, reimbursement gifts, and bribes).

     

 
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