The Truth About the National Neopian Bank

It's a sunny day. You're strolling along the dusty trails and nicely paved roads of Neopia.

You play the odd game or two, find the rare codestone on the ground, and buy an interesting-looking sofa at Neopian Furniture and sell it at your shop for a profit. This is repeated several times.

Suddenly, you find your pockets bulging to the brim with coins and sacks of Neopoints rightly earned by you and your pets. Where in Neopia will you put all of it? You even try stuffing it where one would usually not stuff money. But it doesn't work.

There's no way you can just skip around Neopia and drop Neopoints like that person ahead of you, that, ooh! just dropped 200 neopoints. Again.

...No wonder you're following him. *cough*

Anyway. You ask a fellow Neopian where you can safely store your extra neopoints, and they point you along to a large stone building in Neopia Central.

The "National Neopian Bank", the sign reads.

As you enter through the shiny wooden door, you see a rather frightening green Skeith with a... suitcase...?

What the unexpected. He smiles grimly at you, showing a row of pointed teeth.

You shudder repulsively.

"Good morning Sir/Madam," he says.

"I see you don't currently have an account with us. I can offer you some of the best interest rates in town today! To open an account, simply fill in the form below and we can get started. We are now giving 30 Neopoints to all new applicants!"

You timidly take the form he gives you. The form reads:

Your Name: _________________

Your Neopian Address: _________________

Current Employment: _________________

Initial Deposit: _________________

It seems a bit fishy to you. Especially that green Skeith with the suit.

And what's that "Your Neopian Address" thing?! It seems pretty stalker-ish.

You decide to dive deeper into understanding the history of the Neopian Bank.

Starting at the famous Neopedia, you find out a few interesting facts about the National Neopian:

“Run by: A tight-fisted Skeith banker... Among the oldest buildings in Neopia Central, the National Neopian has served as an economic cornerstone in Neopia for many years... Since ... the bank has seen well over a trillion Neopoints deposited and withdrawn!...Though the bank ... Neopians are still greeted warmly from time to time by the Skeith manager, who strives to bring a personal touch ... of every customer that he meets."

Using the brain that I hope you have, you figure out that the Neopedia article mentions the Skeith manager quite a lot, but it doesn’t go into that much detail. Also, you notice that the National Neopian is quite important in the lives of many Neopians.

Hopping on over to the Games Room, you take a little break. Suddenly you come across the game "Trouble at the National Neopian".

The description to the game reads:

"You're a cashier at the National Neopian, and it's an extremely busy day! Not only are people coming in by the dozen to deposit money, a nasty band of thieves has decided to come and steal it all. It's your job to work the security system to keep the customers in and the robbers out!"

After playing a couple of times, you just can't keep the thieves out.

So what is this game implying?

Here's what you come up with: The National Neopian Bank isn't that secure.

With its trillion of Neopoints deposited, it gives thieves the opportunity of a lifetime. But there must be someone that’s letting them into the bank.

...NOT GOOD.

It's probably better to avoid this bank.

But where else would you store your Neopoints?

Ask another Neopian that just happens to pass by; they give you a puzzled look.

"Another bank? Are you kidding? It's only the National Neopian. There is no other bank."

WHOA. Dead end.

With this evidence, you come up with a scary and startling theory:

THE GREEN SKEITH MANAGER IS TAKING OVER NEOPIA.

The Skeith manager has brainwashed millions of Neopians and their pets into putting their Neopoints into his bank. I mean, his is the only bank in Neopia! He also probably scared the writer of that Neopedia article so that they wouldn’t mention that. And with no other place to put your Neopoints, you have no choice but to store it there to try to keep it safe.

He has also probably brainwashed TNT so that they will never create another bank for your use.

He most likely hired those thieves to steal from average Neopians, little by little, so they don't notice.

Hey, no wonder I couldn't find that 23 neopoints yesterday!

Also, if you apply for a bank account, he will know exactly where you live. So not only will thieves be able to access your account, they will be able to access your Neohome.

So what can you do?

1. DO NOT, IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, PUT YOUR NEOPOINTS IN THE NATIONAL NEOPIAN.

By doing so, you are opening your account to thieves that many have tried to stop.

Those thieves that will report back to the Skeith manager, who'll say, "What a job well done!"

Instead, buy items that you can easily sell again, like paint brushes, and stock it into your Safety Deposit Box.

...Unless the Skeith manager has also taken over that.

3. Do not go into the National Neopian. Do not stop at the National Neopian. Do not even look at the National Neopian.

Chances are, the green Skeith manager will lure you in with his scarily polite manners. After a meeting with him, you will probably be compelled to sign up for a bank account.

2. Spread the word!

You don't want other Neopians to be stolen from, either, do you? Advise your friends. Your family and relatives. Your neighbors, your colleagues, your neighbors' colleagues, and your colleagues' neighbors. That random person ahead of you that, ahem!, just dropped another 150 neopoints.

Make sure to tell them that the green Skeith manager is the one that they should be afraid of. Everyone else, including those Neopians that work as cashiers in the game Trouble at the National Neopian, is innocent and is not in on this plan of taking over the world.

Or, you can just link them to this article.

Hopefully, I have helped other Neopians into understanding that the National Neopian Bank is not as safe as it may seem, and that the green Skeith manager is to be avoided. Please follow my advice, and you’ll stay safe. No one wants a green Skeith as ruler of the world. Especially one that has a poor taste in suits.

Excuse me while I go hide under my box and hope that the green Skeith manager does not find me.

This article was written purely for enjoyment. Do not take it too seriously.