Boochi and Dr. Landelbrot: An Exposé

I took it upon myself to track down and interview the infamous former villain, bringing him right to my Faerieland home. Believe me when I say I was incredibly anxious to publish this, given the possible consequences, but as a journalist it is my responsibility to get the truth out there. So, for all of you out there who have ever had your doubts about a certain Lutari, here is that interview.

[I am sitting on a plush cream-colored couch in my living room. Boochi, looking deadly serious, sits across from me in a matching chair.]

Thom: Boochi, uh...Mr. Boochi? I’m sorry, I really don’t know what to call you.

Boochi: Just “Boochi” is fine, thanks.

T: Right, Boochi. So, is it safe to assume that since you agreed to this interview, the topic isn’t too sensitive?

B: It’s been two years, Thom. I’m ready to tell my story.

T: Great. I suppose my first question has to be--well, why don’t you tell us what it’s been like for you, losing your ability to zap unsuspecting pets Baby?

B: Before I answer, can you confirm just one thing for me?

T: Um, of course, yeah.

B: Would you say you’re the proud owner of a Baby pet?

T: Well, yeah, Babies are adora--

B: Thank you. [Boochi never explains the relevance of my owning a Baby pet, but I can only assume he was making some kind of statement. It’s possible he was trying to determine whether or not I could be considered a friend.] Now that that’s out of the way, I’ll give you your answer. To tell you the truth, it hasn’t been easy. I want you to imagine something for me, Thom. I want you to imagine that you have a ray gun, a very powerful ray gun, and you have an entire planet quivering in fear because the last thing they want to see is you with that ray. Now imagine all of this is true, and you’re also very tiny. Some might say you’re the size of a Baby Bruce.

T: Okay--

B: Please, Thom. [Boochi raises a small pink...flipper? Fin? Arm? indicating he would like me not to interrupt.] As I was saying, I want you to imagine all that. Imagine the power. Now, imagine some snivelling Lutari comes along and destroys all of that. Imagine you once could turn a beautiful Faerie Draik to a Baby with the push of a button and one blinding flash--And someone takes all of that away.

T: That sounds...not fun. One thing I am curious about--Dr. Landelbrot, what is your connection to him? Plenty of rumors have flown around in recent years, but I’d like to hear from you your side of things.

B: First of all, I never mentioned Dr. Landelbrot by name, so as far as the record is concerned, you’re the one making accusations here. But yes, I do blame the scientist himself for all my ray’s misfirings.

T: I don’t know if that’s exactly right...Anyway, what exactly is at the root of your feelings towards Dr. Landelbrot?

B: [Boochi sits up straight and makes intense, direct eye contact, seemingly very eager to publicly attempt to sully the name of the scientist.] Let’s cut right to the story, shall we? Back then, in Y16, I had sensed something would go horribly wrong months before anything actually did.

T: You mean the arrival of Dr. Landelbrot?

B: Yes, exactly. I never had a good feeling about him, but because I was a villain and not someone to be trusted, no one would listen. No one believed me. The gut-wrenching dread I felt for months only intensified once he showed up in Neopia.

T: But, Boochi, everyone knows Dr. Landelbrot has been in Neopia for centuries.

B: Yes, but not in the public eye. When he was an ordinary quiet citizen like everyone else, I had nothing to worry about. Perhaps if he had stayed the way, all of Neopia would be in diapers by now! [Boochi gets a little worked up here. In an effort to keep the interview from spiraling into a one-Bruce tirade, I press him a little more.]

T: So, getting back on track--

B: Right, right. My apologies. Dr. Landelbrot seemed to think that random events were a nuisance, an unregulated chaos plaguing Neopian society. He also seemed to think he alone should have the power to regulate it. Does no one else see how arrogant that is?

T: Well, I could see how you could think that, certainly, but I don’t know of anyone else who was stepping up to do it.

B: That’s just it--It never needed regulation in the first place. It never needed a fancy scientist and his fancy contraption to “rescue” it. We were all doing just fine, terrorizing Neopians or [His face scrunches up a bit here] benefitting them, or whatever other entirely unannounced behavior we saw fit! But he couldn’t be happy with that; he had to come and ruin everything.

T: Right, so, aside from a personal vendetta, what is it that irks you about the scientist?

B: Most Neopians tend to have a favorable view of the Lutari. They see him as someone generally benevolent, who saved them from some of the less popular Random Events, rendering some of us altogether useless. The truth is, he’s far from benevolent. How benevolent can someone be who decides he should offer Random Events, something once handed out for free, in exchange for items?

T: Well, I see your point there.

B: Thom? I think it’s time I showed you something really interesting.

At this point the interview takes a more interesting, if illegal, turn. Boochi suggests that we break into the Coincidence. Three seconds of convincing later, we were on our way. (It really doesn’t take much to get a journalist to disregard a few boundaries, laws, or both.) Aboard the Coincidence, Boochi immediately leads me to the Random Event Machine, which he lovingly refers to as “The root of all evil.” (Please do not Neomail me questions regarding the logistics of breaking into a spaceship in orbit in less than an hour. I don’t know, and legally cannot say.)

T: Alright Boochi, why exactly have you dragged me all the way into space?

B: There’s something you should know about this heinous machine. Something everyone should know, really.

[Boochi walks over to the machine and begins pressing buttons, of course, randomly. To my surprise, five Random Events are spit out. No visual record of this event exists, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it on this one.]

T: I...I don’t understand? You didn’t put any Brown Sauce, Semolina, or Super Toy Sailboats into the machine. You didn’t give it anything?

B: That’s right. It produced not one, not two, but five Random Events all on its own. You see, Thom, this machine is a scam. Everything Dr. Landelbrot has been doing to Neopians for the past two years is a complete scam. Why do you think sometimes the Random Event you were expecting turns out to be nothing? There’s no real formula to this thing. That scientist just takes items from good, honest Neopians every day for--well, I don’t know what he wants them for, but I can’t imagine it’s for anything good.

T: Wow, this has been...illuminating. Boochi, I have to ask, how did you discover this for yourself?

B: I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say. That would be far too incriminating. Besides, I’m sure no one will give that a second thought once they’re preoccupied with Dr. Landelbrot’s crimes.

T: Well, thank you for your time and for this eye-opening experience. To tell you the truth, I never thought I’d see the day when Boochi did something good for the community, but I’m glad you did. Thank you for coming to me with this story.

My interview with Boochi concluded, but that only meant I was left alone with my thoughts in the days following. I wrestled with the information, unable to decide whether or not to publish. In the end, I decided it was best for everyone to know what Boochi knew--what I now also knew. You may not believe him because he is, as he said, an untrustworthy former villain, but I’m choosing to take his story for fact in light of what I saw on that spaceship. I hope you do the same, readers, and I encourage you all to stop visiting Dr. Landelbrot each day with your armloads of goods.