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Kreludor Revealed: Gravity, a Stick, and a Top Hat


by simpleregret

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KRELUDOR - My dearest Neopians, loyal fans, dedicated readers, and secret admirers from across the globe: I’m here to present to you a topic that requires urgent attention. This topic- this oddity, dilemma, freak of nature, or whatever other terminology you want use to describe it- could decide the fate of us all. What I am about to present to you is so immensely huge that it will certainly blow your mind. In fact, it would be wise to read this article in manageable pieces to help control the shock that may endure. I, Simpleregret, am not to be held responsible for any of the following conditions that may occur after reading this article: fainting, shock, dizziness, falling off your chair and hurting your bum, explosive diarrhea, chapped lips, bad fashion sense, or a newfound paranoia of anything that moves.

With that said, let us continue onwards!

Today, I took a trip to Neopia's lovely moon, Kreludor. I began on my journey wearing my lucky fishing boots and ultra-fashionable devious top hat and cane, ready for a day packed with relaxation and fun. I only intended to be on Kreludor for a few hours; I had made plans to play a nice, rousing, and completely legal game of "Shake And Kick The Neocola Machine Until Something Falls Out Because I’m A Writer And I Don’t Have Extra Neopoints To Buy Neocola Tokens" and head home. However, after many minutes of shaking and kicking the Neocola Machine, I headed over to the world-renounced Kreludan Café filled with much distress, frustration, and aching arms. And this, my adoring fans, is where the story begins.

I was sitting comfortably on a stool, reading the latest issue of the Neopian Times, while waiting for the server to take my order. Casually, I glanced out the window. To my surprise, something far off in the distance caught my eye; it appeared that a meteor had crashed and landed! Always up for a challenge, I leaped up, (rather enthusiastically, might I add), to begin my expedition towards this mysterious heap of debris, unaware of the horrors I was about to discover.

After hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours- or maybe around twenty minutes- of strenuous power walking, I reached my destination. Amazed by what I saw, I scribbled down a journal entry of my observations, which I will share with you now:

“19th day of Running, Y12-My eyes seem to deceive me, as what I’m seeing is astronomical. (LOL, PUNS.) Sitting in front of me is a huge-o-rific meteor. Color is a lighter shade of black... it has no luster. There are about three visibly larger craters with the diameters of 14.5 cm, 7.3 cm, and 2.8 cm. Cracks are common on the surface, and a hot magma leaks out of some of the deeper ones.

Simpleregret, 5:48 NST”

Being a woman of science, I used my expertise, logic and reasoning skills to decide that the best course of action for me to take would be to poke this flaming hot chunk of rock. But with what would I use to poke? My devious cane? Ha, yeah, I don’t THINK so. Like any good scientist, I began analyzing my surroundings. It wasn’t long before I found my poking object of choice: a stick. No sooner had I got into the proper meteor poking position when it hit me... a STICK.

My loving comrades, since not everyone can be as genius as I am, let me ask you a simple question: Where do sticks come from?

That’s right. TREES. They come from trees. STICKS COME FROM TREES. Trees. Indeed, indeed, they come from trees.

Think, dear reader, think! The fate of Neopia could lie in your hands. Let’s make a list of what we know:

1] Kreludor is the moon of Neopia.

2] A meteor crashed into Kreludor mysteriously.

3] Hot magma appears to fill the meteor.

4] There is a random stick just chilling out on the moon, next to the meteor.

5] Sticks come from trees.

When was the last time you heard about trees growing on the moon? Huh? That’s right, never. So, I decided to do a little research on Kreludor, which began with me interviewing one of the local residents. The gentleman I spoke with was an orange Grundo, who, for privacy reasons upon his request, we will refer to as “Patrick”.

Simpleregret: Hi, I’m with the Neopian Times, and I’m writing an article on Kreludor, would you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Patrick: Not at all. That's quite a dashing hat you have on.

Simpleregret: Thanks, I know! It amazes me how it can be so dashing, yet still devious. Anyways, First off, how long have you been a resident to Kreludor?

Patrick: I’ve lived on Kreludor my entire life. In fact, while I was growing up, my brothers and I used to play by where the Kreludan Mining Corp is now.

Simpleregret: The Kreludan Mining Corp?

Patrick: Yep, it’s the only one still working. The S750 Kreludan Defender Robot always guards it, though, so no one really knows what goes on. Some people say it has something to do with Doctor Sloth’s plan to take over Neopia, and, frankly... that wouldn’t surprise me...

At this point, I could tell Patrick was becoming uncomfortable with this subject. So, like the good journalist I am, I prodded him even more.

Simpleregret: Doctor Sloth? He’s old news! He’s just a joke to villains everywhere! He doesn’t have it in him to hurt a fly anymore. What would he want to do with Kreludor anyways?

Patrick [nervously]: Grundos... the biggest colony of orange Grundos in Neopia... I have to go now.

Simpleregret: One last question!

Patrick: What?

Simpleregret: Where do sticks come from?

Patrick: ...I don’t know, trees?

Simpleregret: Yes! Trees! Trees! Indeed! Sir, do you see any trees on Kreludor? Have you ever? Hmm? Yes! The trees!

Patrick: ...I have to go.

Let’s add more to what we now know:

6] Kreludor is home to the largest colony of Orange Grundos in Neopia.

7] The Kreludan Mining Corp is the only mine that is still running on Kreludor, which some weird-o robot always guards.

8] Doctor Sloth may be behind the Kreludan Mining Corp.

9] Sticks do, in fact, come from trees.

I began to walk back to the Kreludan Café, thinking I would talk to some of the people there and gather more information. However, on my way, I noticed a sign I must have missed before.

“Welcome to Kreludor, the first (and only) moon of Neopia! Gravity is currently 29% that of Neopia. Boing! Breathable air is roughly 82% of normal quality.”

We now know:

10] Gravity is only 29% that of Neopia.

11] Breathable air is about 82% of normal quality.

I began to contemplate these two new facts, and came to my conclusion: trees on Kreludor would not have a very good chance of survival, if they did grow. However, they don’t. Why, you may be asking? Not only is the lower quality of breathable air on Kreludor lower than on Neopia, making the gas trees need to survive lower in quality, along with poor soil nutrients but the main reason is...

Energy.

The sun doesn’t hit Kreludor, and trees can’t grow without sunlight! They need the energy to live.

So, without sun and nutrients, trees cannot grow on Kreludor. Plus, with the gravity levels that low, the trees would be pulled from the ground before their roots could set in place!

So, why in the name of Queen Fyora, is there a STICK from a TREE on the moon, where, as we just discovered, cannot survive?

Oh, I’ll tell you why.

It’s all Doctor Sloth. He’s been planning, and soon, his time will come. He caused that meteor to crash on Kreludor, knowing that we Neopians would find it. He realized that our curiosity would drive us to find out more, so he planted a stick there, just tempting us to poke that giant slab of debris. He tempts us with gifts that occasionally fall from the cracks, getting us to eventually develop a trust, then one day, when we’re least expecting it... BAM. Now what’s with the Mining Corp? It’s obviously the control center! There are workers down there, programming who’s going to get what, making the meteor simply disappear for some, and deciding who they’re going to take and force to work for Doctor Sloth.

‘Why?’ you might be asking, and the reason is simple: He’s tired of all the mockeries. He knows he’s behind the times, a joke to the rest of the villainous world. He’s aware people don’t consider him a threat anymore. So he’s determined to prove us wrong. And what better time then now, when no one’s expecting it?

He’s going to demand our silent, obedient consent, either willingly, or by force. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my pets growing up in a world controlled by an evil genius. Sure, it may look doubtful now, but soon he will strike and get his revenge. Is there a chance we can fight off this villain? Maybe, but then again, maybe not. However, if I’ve learned anything from being a superhero, it’s that villains are less likely to cause harm as long as we all obediently oblige to them and do their bidding without question. –shiftyeyes- ¡VIVA LA DOCTOR SLOTH!

Reading this? I'm probably dancing in glee :{D or eating ice cream in my rather dashing, yet devious top hat. ;{D

 
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