101 Ways to Speak Evilly: Jhudora's Top 3 Excerpts
Greetings, readers of Neopia! In case you have been living under a rock for the past few months, we at the Neovian Printing Press would like to inform you about the book that’s sweeping the globe: 101 Ways to Speak Evilly by Dr. E. Vilian, the renowned speech analyst and former terror to society!
Now you may be thinking that you already know how to add that certain evil edge to your voice, but this book chronicles a mindboggling 101 methods to get your point across along with helpful tips on how to master each of them! Still not sold? Well, then maybe we should mention that for the first time ever, the Neovian Printing Press has teamed up with the Neopian Times to present you with a couple of excerpts from this fascinating book, right here in this very article! Yes, now you can read some of this wonderful book for absolutely free!
However, while coming up with this promotion, a fundamental question arose at our headquarters: Which sections should we choose? After all, with 101 solid methods of speaking evilly, making a choice would not be easy. Well, a quick look at the calendar answered that for us: With Jhudora Day fast approaching, we decided that the dark faerie’s top three choices would be perfect.
Jhudora bought—well, er... stole—a copy of this book a couple months ago, and sent us a heartfelt review a few days after finishing: “101 Ways to Speak Evilly was quite an interesting book. Although I, Jhudora the Great, am already a master at the art of evil speaking, this book provided me some new and interesting ideas to try on some
Neopians in the future. As for the ones I didn’t like so much, the paper fueled my fire nicely.”
And so, after a few neomails between us and the dark faerie herself to uncover her favorites, and a slight legal debate with Lawyerbot, we now proudly present Jhudora’s top three chapters for your perusing pleasure! Without further ado, please enjoy!
101 Ways to Speak Evilly
By Dr. E. Vilian
Chapter 7 – Shouting
Shouting, or the act of raising one’s voice to yell dastardly things at our enemies, may seem like an obvious choice when it comes to speaking in an evil manner; however, there is a very refined art to it all. Many common villains start shouting and never stop... and then while they’re at it, they accidentally reveal their entire evil plan, anger a few hundred sound-sensitive Meepits, and end up locked in a mental institution for a good twenty years where they pass their time scrounging up spare pieces of toilet paper to write the first draft of their future book containing an amazing sum of 101 ways to help villains speak with an evil intonation.
Believe me, it’s not fun.
However, if you can master this careful craft of shouting, you can strike fear into the hearts of anyone who crosses your path. The trick is all in the timing. For this technique, it’s all about “when” you do it as opposed to “how.”
For example, as much as we all hate lines in stores, throwing an evil shouting tantrum will more likely get you kicked out and banned from all subsequent venues than make the line move quicker. However, if someone is walking past your evil lair and steps on your lawn that you’ve meticulously brainwashed some poor minion into trimming for you with a pair of scissors, then that would be the perfect time to raise your voice and let out all your pent up emotions (preferably anger).
Of course, if your victim makes any move to call the Defenders on you, you must act quickly. I would advise you to quickly throw your hands up into the air in exasperation, turn on your heels, and storm away angrily. And if you’re of the magical sort, maybe turn that wretch of a Neopet into an ugly petpet of your choosing.
May I suggest Intesteens?
Chapter 19 – Scowling
As discussed in Chapter 11 - Glaring, facial expressions can help to spice up even the most seemingly innocent conversation, and the scowl is one of those fundamental spices you should keep in your evil arsenal. (Note: An evil arsenal in this case is a figure of speech. Please do not come after me thinking I’m hoarding Battledome weapons in my Neohome to take over Neopia with. Because, after all, that would just be silly—Anything of value like that would be inside my Safety Deposit Box.)
Now, what exactly is a scowl? Well, it’s somewhat a look of evil annoyance/anger. With scowling, technique is very important, because even a slight error in your facial expression can cause horrible outcomes such as smiling, looks of fright, and the appearance that you might need to use the restroom. This surely will have your enemy dying of laughter rather than of fear.
So how to make that scowl perfect? Well, the best way is to practice! Grab a mirror and an irritating acquaintance of your choosing, and as soon as an annoying word escapes their lips, contort your face into a look of angered annoyance, or perhaps even annoyed anger. Squint your eyes slightly, and set your mouth into a frown while at the same time revealing a couple of teeth to warn your companion that you’re serious. Then follow this up with an evil remark of your choice.
Practice makes perfect with this technique, but it’s also important to make it your very own. Change it up a bit each time you try it. Maybe arch an eyebrow or jut out your chin! However, if you’re still trying to practice when your victim somehow slips out of the chair you’ve bound them in ropes to, relax. An Intesteen makes a great test subject as well! When it looks even uglier than it originally had, you know you’ve finally succeeded!
Now this method may seem difficult, but make sure to keep at it! When you’ve finally created your own signature scowl, it’s quite rewarding and it sticks with you forever.
Chapter 25 – Sarcasm
Many of Neopia’s finest writers have come up with definitions for sarcasm, but this fine concept is sometimes lost on us normal people who don’t like to read dictionaries for fun. Most agree that it’s a form of verbal irony based on the fact that when you say something sarcastically, you truly mean the opposite.
And might I say that using the opposite to your advantage is oh so much fun!
For example, let’s say you’re at your rival’s evil lair for their annual Halloween party. Everything is wonderful from the Chilled Eyeball Custard to the festive decorations. You’re obviously impressed, but the dilemma is that you don’t want your rival to have the satisfaction of knowing that. This is when sarcasm becomes your best friend! With a simple sarcastic response such as, “This party is great,” you can crush your competitor’s hopes at ever succeeding in life. And the best thing is that they can’t blame you for anything since you technically said something nice!
Now, in order for sarcasm to work properly, you must practice the intonation of your voice. “This party is great,” appears to be a heartfelt statement on paper, but when you say it out loud, you must make sure that the opposite point is sent across; otherwise, you could accidentally be giving someone a compliment! This is a very careful procedure that takes a lot of practice to nail perfectly. My suggestions would be to lower your tone of voice slightly, add a hint of monotone, and stretch a few key words.
Having trouble? Well, maybe then the best thing to do is say something in a sarcastic tone that is so absurd it can’t be remotely true. An example? “That Intesteen is adorable.”
I’ll pause for a moment as you try to contain your laughter.
Anyway, that statement is so obviously false that the sarcasm should come to you easily now, slipping out of your mouth at opportune moments and deflating the self-esteem of everyone around you! No need to thank me; it’s all in a day’s work.
Well, there you have it! All of us at both the Neovian Printing Press and the Neopian Times hope that you enjoyed these three chapters from 101 Ways to Speak Evilly, picked out by Faerieland’s most infamous dark faerie!
So if you’re now curious to read the 98 other ways, have no fear! Just slip over to the Neovian Printing Press shop located at 88 Cobblestone Way and pick up your own copy for the magnificent price of 2,387 neopoints! Learn to speak evilly today!
NOTE: The Neopian Times, the Neovian Printing Press, Dr. E. Vilian, and Jhudora the dark faerie are not in any way responsible for any strange tendencies that might spring up after reading this article or the book, including and not limited to the development of maniacal laughs, hacking coughs, and the want to destroy the world. Also, to read more about Jhudora and her experience with this book, check out The New Prophecy from Issue 294. Happy reading and have a happy Jhudora Day!