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Altador Cup Conspiracy Theories

by thatsextraheretical


I’ll admit, this is the first cup I’ve been a part of in a long while, as a true Darigan Citadel supporter since that time we came in second in the very first Cup. Since then, I’ve noticed quite a few changes have occurred and the Cup has brought bigger and newer teams from around the world to new slushie businesses and sound-o-meters.

But these changes have really put me off; the landscape of the Altador Cup has changed as I know it, and I’m positive some sort of dark, sinister (dare I say my namesake’s word: heretical) plots. Some of you may be blind to these little changes and weird happenings, but let me enlighten you with just a few of my theories.

That Slushie Shop is Rather Shady

I’m all for businesses and connoisseurs of frozen drinks to soothe the frayed and heated nerves of some of the more perturbed contestants among us, and I must say that Tuskaninny runs a rather quaint shop with some fairly fast service. But, I’m not here to praise her on her entrepreneurial spirit!

No! I’ve been there once or twice, but I’ve noticed things. I’m not sure what kind of slushies she’s serving, but some of her customers get rather angry. They charge to the front of the line, and then leave promptly, and the look on some of their faces would be enough to make Sloth think twice about doing so much as breathing funny. I understand that some of our limits may be tested when we lose our matches, but I think some of us need to maybe look into a psychiatrist, not a Tuskaninny with a few slushie machines. Some of us our bound to get hurt.

Another thing I’d like to point out is that while things may look clean, she doesn’t have a trash receptacle anywhere in her store, not even at the back where she spends all her time. This wouldn’t be a problem if people walked off with their delicious frozen drinks, but they don’t. They sit there and finish them, and slide the empty cups back to her, as stated in her store policy.

What does she do with used, empty, clear plastic cups? I’ll tell you that while this shady practice may cut your costs, I’m on to you! You’re reusing your cups, and never once have I seen you wash them! You’re committing a terrible breach of Altadorian Health codes, and I hope they read this and shut you down! You’re going to spread germs and diseases at this rate! Think of the children!

Techo Fanatic Better Chill Out

I like watching the nightly broadcasts of the games on Neovision. Those Ixi and Grarrl sportscasters know what they’re talking about, and the awesome replays of the better plays done by the teams never cease to amaze me.

I also noticed they added a short segment dedicated to that famous blue Techo loon with one of the most notable cheering styles ever. But as he cried and the camera zoomed out to show his group of wildly flailing groupies and between the flashes of the camera equipment, I could have sworn, just for a few seconds, I saw what appeared to be a floating letter on a beige and curved square.

A keyboard key, no doubt. Though they never, ever spelled anything out, they were a strange sight to behold. Either someone at the broadcasting station is messing with me, or that Techo fanatic is screaming so loud, it’s tearing the very fabric of time and space to a dimension of floating letters; I may never know, but surely something weird is going on here. We need to open our eyes and see for ourselves that something weird is at work here!

Where Fear and Terror are Measurable Land Speeds

I’m sure some of you remember a certain... happening that occurred not too far along into the start of the competition. A few of my friends now suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder because of it, and I’m sure those of you who are lucky enough to not know what I’m talking about were far away when it happened.

That team moved at the speed of fear and terror itself. Their reflexes, for that entire game (more or less), were impossibly heightened, their speed was ludicrous, and those who stood before them stood no chance, no more.

Now, I’m not sure what caused it, be it they were all drinking slushies from that Tuskaninny, the Techo’s floating letters gifted them otherworldly powers for that instant, or maybe some dark ritual took place in those missing eight seconds between balls being collected from nets and put back on the center of the field, but I do know for sure that it wasn’t normal.

Foul play

Now, I know it’s been a few years since the first Altador Cup, but surely some things haven’t changed, like a sense of respect. Not once have I see the other team NOT hold my players in place as they try to move back to their starting positions or bowl them over as one makes a beeline for the goal. All this pushing and shoving and holding is so flagrant, it isn’t even possible NOT to miss it. It’s irksome, and terrible, that the teams have resorted to these types of tactics.

I think someone is bribing that council in charge of everything to turn a blind eye to this blatant foul playing. Probably that Tuskaninny, with all the money she’s saving on disposable cups and dish washing costs. Obviously she’s working for some dark ends, but whatever those may be, I hope we’ve caught on to them before they come to fruition.

Mind Control is as Easy as 1, 2, 3

I sometimes catch the warm up practice in the mornings and evenings, where the players do their best to score goals against that peculiar, jolly jelly goalie. It’s only recently, however, that I’ve begun to notice that as strange as it may be, the two draped Altador Cup Unity Banners actually spins slowly around in an almost hypnotic fashion.

This, readers, I am positive to be some sort of mind control attempt on us! While we watch our favorite players score goals, are we not overcome with urges to cheer? To go out to see the games in person and cheer our hardest (though hopefully not as hard as the Techo)? To buy slushies?

Be aware when you watch those practice sessions, people! They’re invading our brains in every way they can! And remember, readers: Stay alert, watch your neighbors, and know the truth is out there. And don’t trust that Slushie Slinger, I tell you!

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